San Antonio Sport News

Atlanta is a top 10 tv market in pro sports but plays small market

San Antonio Sport News - 10 hours 48 min ago

Its like this in every sport with the exception of the Falcons. ( Arthur Blank). The Braves and Hawks run their franchises as if they are a bottom small market. They are never in the conversation when it comes to the major Superstars in trades or free agency. The market PROVES the money is there. How is it in basketball, San Antonio ( 31st market ) New Orleans (51st market) are always in conversations about Superstars, while top 10 Atlanta is never mentioned? This recent Machado thing in baseball is the same thing. The Braves were never serious about signing him. The RESOURCES are in Atlanta, the tv markets, attendance, season tickets all prove it. The Braves have the whole southeast to themselves. The Hawks have almost the same market. They still have market share in the Carolinas and northern Florida. Its no excuse for this..

https://www.stationindex.com/tv/tv-markets

https://www.adweek.com/tvspy/san-francisco-market-drops-two-spots-in-2018-nielsen-rankings/195162

submitted by /u/GeorgiaMoor to r/AtlantaHawks
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Atlanta is a top 10 TV market but plays small market in pro sports

San Antonio Sport News - 10 hours 50 min ago

Its like this in every sport with the exception of the Falcons. ( Arthur Blank). The Braves and Hawks run their franchises as if they are a bottom small market. They are never in the conversation when it comes to the major Superstars in trades or free agency. The market PROVES the money is there. How is it in basketball, San Antonio ( 31st market ) New Orleans (51st market) are always in conversations about Superstars, while top 10 Atlanta is never mentioned? This recent Machado thing in baseball is the same thing. The Braves were never serious about signing him. The RESOURCES are in Atlanta, the tv markets, attendance, season tickets all prove it. The Braves have the whole southeast to themselves. The Hawks have almost the same market. They still have market share in the Carolinas and northern Florida. Its no excuse for this..

https://www.stationindex.com/tv/tv-markets

https://www.adweek.com/tvspy/san-francisco-market-drops-two-spots-in-2018-nielsen-rankings/195162

submitted by /u/GeorgiaMoor to r/Braves
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[GAME THREAD] Southern Mississippi (5-2) @ UTSA (1-6)

San Antonio Sport News - 11 hours 12 min ago

Southern Mississippi Southern Mississippi @ UTSA UTSA

Game Start Time: 12:00

Location: Alamodome, San Antonio, TX

Watch: Fox Sports 2

Southern Mississippi

Total Passing Yards Total Rushing Yards Total Yards Interceptions Lost Fumbles Lost Field Goals Time of Possession Timeouts 0 yards 0 yards 0 yards 0 0 0/0 0:00 3

UTSA

Total Passing Yards Total Rushing Yards Total Yards Interceptions Lost Fumbles Lost Field Goals Time of Possession Timeouts 0 yards 0 yards 0 yards 0 0 0/0 0:00 3 Game Summary Time Clock Quarter Down Ball Location Possession Playclock Deadline 7:00 1 1st & 10 35 Southern Mississippi Southern Mississippi 07/19 02:49 EST 07/28 12:55 EST Team Q1 Q2 Q3 Q4 Total UTSA 0 0 0 0 0 Southern Mississippi 0 0 0 0 0

Waiting on a response from /u/redbird_squirrel to this comment.

submitted by /u/NFCAAOfficialRefBot to r/FakeCollegeFootball
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Unpopular Opinion Alert

San Antonio Sport News - 12 hours 14 min ago

As we all know Kawhi Leonard has been traded to the Toronto Raptors for generally Derozan among other pieces. Now Spurs fans don't bash Kawhi yet and hear me out.

What if I were to tell you that the whole NBA was playing Tic-Tac-Toe while the Spurs organization has been playing 7-D Chess for the past year.

We find out that Kawhi wants out of San Antonio even though he had amazing years during his tenure there, but what if the Spurs organization allowed this leak in order to hear some trades and stock up on assets.

My opinion is that Kawhi/his camp wants to play with more talent around him and used himself as a scapegoat.

Spurs now have derozan while raptors have Kawhi for another year, and hear me out, when he becomes a Free Agent next season, he'll sign with the San Antonio Spurs alongside derozan and LMA.

We are in the midst of the greatest chess move in professional sports of all time and we must keep an eye on it and the city of San Antonio must not bash Kawhi since it may change his mind.

Spurs are the smartest franchise in the NBA and this was their plan the whole time.

submitted by /u/originalsharpsavage to r/nba
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25 [M4F] Atlanta - Sensibility vs. the Tinderization of Dating

San Antonio Sport News - Mon, 07/16/2018 - 17:22

I’d like to preface this by saying that this post used to be a lot more thorough. A window into the real me. Unfortunately, the r4r mods decided it had to be labeled as a smut post, and as such, I’ve had to cut much of it out. As such, this is a heavily-censored edit of the original. I still maintain a copy of that original version, and I’d be happy to send you the full rendition of that text if you’d like. Presenting the kid-friendly version, as demanded by Big Brother, uh… the mods, whom I respect deeply, and I’m sure just want what’s best for all of us.

White Unicorn: It’s been rebornded.

Star: That’s not a word.

There’s a good chance you’ve seen a post by this title, written by me, before. In fact, I last posted an iteration of it a couple of months ago (and reposted this one with minor changes a few times since its original posting in mid-June in hopes the right person will find it)! And I met someone! But that was relatively short-lived, with a calamitous ending. Enticed? Read on (wanna skip straight to spoilers? Paragraph 27)! Lesson learned: Don’t date someone who clearly isn’t over her ex. Actually, I think I’ve learned a lot in the past couple of months, regarding who I am and who I’m looking for. Let’s hope that manifests itself in an ability to write a more enlightened r4r post. I know that I’d certainly love for someone to get to know the real me, so I’ve got a lot to cover. Let’s get started!

“Writing is rewriting, you know.” – Eclipsa Butterfly

I’ve reused this post title a lot, for about six different written-from-scratch iterations of this post now (the last of those was 3131 words and never actually saw the light of day). And there’s a reason for that! For one thing, I really, really want you to know that I watch SvTFoE. It’s a great show, and you should watch it too! Aside from being a reference to that, there’s another reason behind the title. Tinder sucks. Dare I say it, Tinder ruined dating. OKCupid used to be okay. Then they decided to ape Tinder and turn it into a vapid swipe-left/swipe-right experience. Good job, you made me delete my (paying!) account and never look back. Needless to say, Tinderization, that is, making into a Tinder-like experience, is an epidemic. And much like the Black Death way back when, it’s threatening an extinction, only not of humankind, but of meaningful dating. Screw that.

So here I am on r4r again. Reddit is my life anyway. I’m kind of ashamed to say it, but it’s more or less shaped my twenties. It’s how I wound up in Atlanta. It’s how I developed my taste in TV shows. Both of these two things, I suppose my ex was responsible for, but I met her here, so there’s that. It’s also helped me kill literal *months* of downtime at work. If there’s one community I identify with, y’all are it. So thanks for that. Also, yes, I believe “y’all” has a legitimate place in the English language. Agree? Disagree? Let’s talk about it!

I suppose this is the part where I tell my life’s story. It’s… Odd. I’ve made some questionable choices, which have led to what I am today. I’ll go so far as to say that I am the sum of my mistakes. Is it somewhat strange for me to wear that as a badge of honor? Perhaps. It does mean I’ve had a hell of a lot of experiences to learn from though. But I suppose it could be summed up in a quote by one Eclipsa Butterfly: “Well… I did what I had to for me.”

I was born in Lake Charles, Louisiana, on a day not too far off from Mardi Gras, which is conveniently my favorite holiday (it’s probably worthy of note that I go home for Mardi Gras every year, and my birthday does occasionally fall on it, although it will for the last time in my possible lifespan in 2021… yes, for the resourceful among you, I just revealed my birthday; I’ve long ago stopped caring about being doxxed; I have nothing to hide). Growing up, it was a pretty boring place (although they’re getting breweries, live music, food trucks, and other cool stuff now!), and my parents lived pretty far out of town. There were cows just behind our backyard, in fact. My dad frequently worked out of town (New Orleans when I was little, and Beaumont as I approached my teens), but for not having seen him that much, I find myself having modeled my life and goals heavily after his. This would become quite the tragedy later on.

Enter my preschool years. I don’t remember them very well, but apparently I had a crush on some girl with a habit of eating her nose droppings? Also, I apparently had a habit of reading my teacher’s college mythology textbooks. I suppose the big takeaway from my time in preschool is that I was weird (and still am, I suppose), and I read at a college level (no, I didn’t need to brag about this… feel free to post away on r/iamverysmart; do I at least get points for being self-aware of my pseudo-intellectualism? ;P). I think I also had bronchitis for a little while.

“All knowledge is good knowledge, I always say.” – Eclipsa Butterfly

Onward, to elementary school! I should mention at this point that from kindergarten to twelfth grade, I actually went to the same school. Talk about academic inbreeding. Unfortunately, it was a private Christian school. Which meant they taught religion instead of science. Also, [depraved act that the mods believe to be equivalent to locking kids up in cages] ed was more or less, “[redacted; lewd act] causes diseases. Don’t do it.” Also, there was some “Drugs are bad, m’kay?” in there too. And alcohol is bad too apparently, despite the fact that Jesus’ first miracle was turning water into wine at a party. Then what do you know, I leave that environment and learn real science, and find out that [redacted, lewd act] and drugs are great! Way to make sure that people’s future kids (good thing I don’t want any) are kept far, far away from religion. I don’t remember much of what I was up to in elementary school, aside from the fact that I had a longstanding crush on this one girl. She has kids now, so I think I dodged a bullet there. Also, I was known for talking my *ass* off back then. I think the reason I’m so shy nowadays is because I spoke most of my lifetime word quota (is there such a thing, and do the 6000 I’m writing now deduct from it? Shit…) when I was little…

Middle school? Middle school was pretty uneventful for me. More fake science. More religious indoctrination. More of the same. And this was before learning what heartbreak was, and by extension, depression. So yeah… this sorry excuse for a paragraph is all I have to say about my time in middle school. I don’t understand the horror stories others have from this era of their lives. It would make for a terrible story. Really.

Now high school is when my life really went to hell. For starters, I lost my dad just days before my fifteenth birthday. The person who more than anyone else has influenced me to be who I am today. The one who taught me to pursue knowledge. The one who taught me to always rise to a challenge. The one who taught me that I can accomplish anything if I work for it hard enough. The one who filled his brain with the History channel (back when it was actually about history) instead of mindless football (spoiler alert, I don’t get sports). I know I didn’t have him in my life all that much, since he always had to maintain two residences because of work, and even when he didn’t, he would work super-weird hours, but he was everything I always aspired to be. It helps that he wasn’t really all that religious, as compared to my overzealous mother. I think any time he participated was really just to placate my mom. Hell, he’d even fall asleep in church. I’m sad I never had the chance to talk to him after I came of age. Being robbed of that sucks. Realizing I’ll never amount to a fraction of what he did sucks even more. That being said, aside from my own, I’ve been able to learn from his mistakes too. More on that later, once I’ve told my story.

High school is also when I had my first experience with rejection. The funny thing? I brought it upon myself. I earned it via my own foolishness. The heartbreak itself isn’t my biggest regret. It’s that things *could* have been different. They *could* have been better. Yet here we are. It was a Wednesday morning, and I remember it distinctly, for reasons not least of which is that we had mandatory bullshit chapel services on Wednesdays. I was in the tenth grade. She was in the eighth. We’ll call her VB. I’m in the kitchen putting my lunchbox in the fridge. VB enters the room. She twirls about. “How do I look?” “Okay, I guess?” What I meant to say was that she looked stunning. But I didn’t have the courage to say it. When I finally gained that courage about a year later, it was too late. She was already spoken for. Most of my friends at the time were people from online forums, and suffice it to say angsty me was no favorite of theirs. Hell, they still give me shit over it to this day.

On the positive side, this school did teach spelling all the way through twelfth grade. Apparently, public school doesn’t do that. And that’s producing a generation that can’t ducking spell. Case in point: My younger brother and sister. My mom, concerned about this fact, once asked their teacher, “Why don’t you teach spelling?” That teacher’s response: “It’s not on the standardized test.” Mhmm. Standardized tests mean *duck all* in life. More on that later. Oh, and I did go to “prom” for three out of four years of high school. It’s important to note that “prom” is in quotes. This is for many reasons. First and foremost is that there was no dancing. There was at the after-party, but I usually spent these hiding behind my phone in a corner (despite being boring as duck as parties, I would always get invited to them because I’d known the girl that throws them for years). Obviously, I was cool with the whole “no dancing” thing. I only dance if I’m alone and drunk. I prefer not to make a spectacle of myself. Then there’s also the “three of four years” thing. I think “normal” schools only have those for senior year? My school had it for all four, I suppose because the classes were so tiny. The year I didn’t go? I didn’t have a “date.” Once again, “date” is quoted, because the girls I went with (fun fact: all of them are married now) were just friends. Still, going to prom with me was a rite of passage, because of my long history with the school and the fact that females outnumbered males by a fair bit in my age range at this school.

I would go on to graduate at the top of my class, but is that really an achievement when you graduate in a class of four? Given the small class size, each of us created a presentation featuring a photo collage set to music. I aptly chose Weird Al’s “White and Nerdy,” which sums me up unusually well. We even got a family friend to loan us their Segway for some photos. Unfortunately, the principal declared his hatred for “rap,” and banned use of the song. Consulting a longtime friend of mine who wouldn’t call himself a musician despite certainly deserving to, I chose “It’s My Life” by Bon Jovi, an interesting choice in and of itself, since it references Frank Sinatra’s “My Way,” which was my mom’s class song in high school.

After this, I went to college. After all, how could I not, after my late father’s decree that he would disown me if I didn’t? Due to financial concerns, I stayed in Lake Charles and went to McNeese. Of course, I majored in computer science, just as everyone knew I would since birth, more or less. I loved most of my CS classes, despite the lion’s share of them being review of material I already knew. What I hated? That I more or less wound up with a math degree afterward. I hate math. How many times have I used calculus after I graduated anyway? Zero. Exactly zero. Unless you count hearing a reference to Leibniz in Epic Rap Battles of History, and actually knowing who the duck he is.

I’m sure you’ll notice at this point that I’m only really talking about academics. Most people partied it up in college. On account of living with my very religious mother, coupled with being almost dysfunctionally introverted, I had no such opportunities to speak of. In fact, before I turned 21, I’d only experienced alcohol twice. Due to having to drive her to Houston for medical treatment (she’s infamous for not driving anywhere near a large city, resulting in her paying close to $1000 for plane tickets to places she could’ve driven to and back for just over a tenth of that – and she says my spending habits are wasteful), I spent my 21st birthday with her. Fortunately, once she was unable to stop me, she sort of just passively watched as I enjoyed a delicious margarita at Bodega’s. If you’re ever in Houston, you really must try it. One thing I find Atlanta to be sorely lacking is decent margaritas. If you know a place, please do let me know. I haven’t had one in a couple of years. The ones at Guaco Joe’s are tolerable, but still a far cry from “good.”

So… at this point in my tale, I am 21 years old, and still have never been in anything even remotely approaching a relationship. Well, one day during my junior year, I discover r4r. I write a post. Damn… I’ve learned a lot since then. That post was an embarrassment compared to this one (which, in and of itself is probably pretty damn embarrassing – I apologize from the bottom of my heart for mistaking “long” for “good”). Yet someone responds! Let’s call her Nicole. She was 18 and just about to graduate from high school. She and her ex were still together, but she knew it was toward the end and didn’t want to place all her eggs in one basket. Call me a shitty person for knowing this and making my move anyway, and you’d probably be right. It did eventually pay off though. Twelve days after we spoke, they split up, and two days later, Nicole and I were together. By the way, she lived here in Atlanta. Now I wonder how I wound up here…

She lives with her overly-protective parents, who never let her go anywhere or do anything. But needless to say, I want to meet my new romantic interest. What do I do? I make plans to attend her graduation (and make my mom pay for it!). The good thing about my mom being fearful of driving on trips or in cities? If she wants to go on a vacation, she has to deal with my plans. That being said, a ten-hour, 700-mile drive is a far cry from the 300-mile, five-hour drive to San Antonio that was my longest before this point. It feels like nothing now, but at the time, I was asking *myself* “Are we there yet?” Regardless, I manage to spend about an hour with Nicole at her graduation rehearsal. We almost break up after that, which I managed to recover from. Anticlimactic, huh? The next day, I attempt to see her backstage at the graduation, but it’s swarming with cops, who don’t let me in. Fantastic. The closest I get is that we sit at a table near hers at the restaurant she goes to afterward. Do recall those overprotective parents of hers. They wouldn’t hear of her dating anyone, and to make matters worse, her dad had killed someone at some point. Not really the kind of guy I’d want to duck with.

Regardless, I pledge to move here by the end of summer. That didn’t really pan out. It turns out that companies, especially out-of-town companies, have zero interest in hiring someone without a degree. We keep it mostly long-distance for awhile, with me driving in to visit every few months. As somewhat of an oddity, I had *insane* amounts of spending money in college, compared to what I have even now. I finally graduate, with an amazingly unimpressive 3.31 GPA.

At least I finally get a job though. 700 miles away from home. I should’ve known it was too good to be true – they lowballed me big-time, and I took it out of desperation. But it’s too late now – I made my deal with the devil, and I’m still in that same job, making a whopping $3k a year more than I did when I started. At least I got a nominal “promotion” that gave me a title change. Oh, and I can expense my phone now. Whatever. You’d think the company would realize they have a problem. It’s turned into a revolving door. The programming team counts 10. Four have left in the past year, specifically citing compensation. I too have mentioned it as an issue. We maybe have six programmers experienced enough to take on a major project without help, with me among them. I single-handedly deal with our biggest client, sacrificing my normal week-long vacations to make sure we can support them, since I haven’t had help dealing with them in half a year now. Any time they try to get me some help, that person quits. If I left the company, they’d be SOL. Yet, no raise. I suppose part of it is my own complacency. I leave super-early every day. I strut around like I own the place. I constantly act like I’m pissed off at everyone, and it’s a waste of time to have to deal with *anyone.* Any time I approach my boss, I’m visibly and audibly irate, and I just bitch and moan about people I have to pretend to tolerate. What do I get for being underpaid? I get to do whatever the duck I want, and it’s kind of nice. I pride myself in being that guy nobody wants to have to deal with, but you do anyway if you want the job done right. Just like the guy who trained me in my current role and dealings with this client. Suffice it to say that I’ve taken up the mantle of his old role in more ways than one.

Back to my life outside work. I’m now 23. That long-distance relationship of almost three years? I see Nicole even less now than I did before I moved here, all thanks to her parents. I tell her something needs to be done. She needs to talk to her parents, or hell, I’ll even do it. She refuses to give her blessing for this. She’s scared. Understandably so, but I uprooted my life, *for her.* I took a leap of faith, *for her.* Can’t she do the same? So I did what I had to for me. I did what I promised I would never do. And to this day, I don’t regret it. It was necessary. And had I not, I’d be in a long-distance relationship of four and a half years now, despite doing everything possible to make it not so. I broke up with her. I probably did it in the shittiest possible way, too. It was in response to an “I love you.” But what would you do in that situation? Fake feelings that you know damn well that you don’t feel anymore, all to not ruin the moment? Which is really the shitty thing to do there?

Commence the next few weeks of my life, which were the only time that I would’ve described myself as “single and happy,” since in that moment, I was single by choice. Eventually, it gets pretty lonely though. I make a few posts on a now-nonexistent section of Craigslist, looking for a handful of oddly-specific things, that I’ll leave to the imagination for now. There is a time and a place for everything, and now is neither the time nor the place for that. I’m vacationing back home when I get a response to one of these. Let’s call this woman Michelle. She’s a couple of years older than Nicole, but the same height – 5’1”. I’m still weirded out that both of my formal relationships have been with members of that exact height. Oh, spoiler alert, I suppose.

Michelle and I meet up when I return home from my vacation, at a Golden Corral of all places. First date (although not really, since my intent for this was not a relationship), and she’s already back at my place. First sign that she’s trouble, I suppose. Unless this went forward as a meet once and never again thing. But nope. It isn’t so. We don’t see each other again for another month, but once we do, she promptly moves in with me. Way to go, me. Fantastic idea, allowing this. Someone I’ve met all of twice, moving in with me. Give it a few more weeks, and we have “the talk.” It feels like we’re a couple, yet we’re not? So we make it official.

God… I was so blind. Michelle and I had *nothing* in common. At all. She would watch Steven Universe with me, and I somehow allowed that to mislead me into thinking otherwise. She was redneck as *duck* and had two kids. Considering the number of kids I find acceptable in my life is a hard zero (although fortunately, I never met them), I was clearly out of my mind. I was trying to forget my ex and a handful of r4r meetups gone wrong. Anyway, cut to three weeks later. She has me drive her to LaGrange to meet up with a couple of “gay friends” of hers. Big mistake. Per a mutual friend of ours (actually, one of her exes, but he’s pretty cool, and I’m still proud to call him a friend), “Gay friends? She doesn’t have any gay friends.” Oops… After working until 10 at night at a job site in Marietta, she texts me, asking her to bring the things she’s keeping at my place. I do so. As in, I drive to LaGrange, after midnight, then back here (I live somewhat east of Atlanta proper), with work the next day. I never hear from her again after that. That being said, I’m hanging out with the aforementioned friend and another friend at an uh… Let’s call it an “entertainment venue,” over on that side of things. We track her down to where we all suspect she’s staying. Yep, she’s back with an ex of hers. Suffice it to say, my pals and I were there to beat the shit out of him, but you don’t bring fists to a gun fight, and you guessed it… His parents had guns, so we did the only thing we could do and left quietly, despite my drunk ass being somewhat inclined to do otherwise. I got ducked over, unceremoniously and big-time. Let’s hope that never happens again…

My story continues about two months ago. I am now 25 years young/old. Pick one. I post something to r4r, that was yet another evolutionary stepping-stone to what you currently read (and if you’ve made it this far, thank you, you’ve clearly the patience of a damn saint!). I get a handful of replies. Most of the conversations that ensue were forced. I wanted something that didn’t exist, so I’d continue to partake in conversations that were of little to no interest to me, because it’s better than nothing, right? But one sticks out. Someone who’s just… Different.

Let’s call her Grace. Grace and I make plans to meet up at a favorite restaurant of mine. We decide on a place using a process intended to give both of us a voice, but being completely true to myself, I manage to rig the process to go to the exact place I wanted to attend (if you, dear reader, and I should wind up making plans to meet, here’s my approval for you to unilaterally pick a place… not saying that I don’t have *amazing* taste in restaurants though, despite the fact that I find those few and far between here). First date. Six hours. Two waiting for a table, two actually inside the restaurant, and two standing outside it talking. I’ve never successfully conversed with *anyone* on this level before. Six hours nonstop? It’s a form of connection I never knew existed! Sadly, little did I know that I formed too strong a bond with a person undeserving.

A week later, Grace and I meet at a venue far less glamorous – a ducking Wendy’s (her idea, not mine; c’mon… I’ve at least a modicum of class). Needless to say, we’re not there for six hours. That would be kinda lame. We return to my place afterward. After all, she’d expressed an interest in SvTFoE. We blow through season one in the next few hours, and she returns home (despite overall not being all that great, the first season does have its moments). After this, we see each other every couple of days from here until everything goes sour.

We were never formally together. But it sure as hell felt like it. She called it “friends with benefits.” I didn’t give a duck what she called it; I felt like I was one with a kindred spirit, more than ever before. I had never felt anything like it. Then one day, something happened during an important moment that was kind of one of those record scratchmoments when things just come to a screeching halt. We probably could’ve gone forward, but honestly, the mood was ruined. We have an honest conversation, initially about stuff and things (translation: things I’d have to know someone way, way better to even casually mention). But then it takes a much darker turn: She reveals that she isn’t really over her ex. Grace leaves for work in the morning.

Given the unusual terms that she left on, two o’clock approaches. And given that the day in question was a Saturday, this is about when she would be leaving. But it turns out that at this particular moment, I’ve drunk a bit too much (SURPRISE! [to be read in Toffee’s voice]). I freak out, and say things that she doesn’t take well. We speak sparingly for the next couple of days, when she finally manages to get across that she needs her space, which I reluctantly agree to give to her after assuming she never wants to speak again, writing a 3131-word post that I planned to post here, and deleting it. Nearly two weeks pass. I decide to check up on her. I worried that the “spark” was lost, and we wouldn’t be able to hold a successful conversation anymore. Not to worry though, everything seemingly goes back to normal! Except, I slowly realize that she’s kind of gone off the deep end. As in, she’d may as well be speaking some foreign demon-language that I’m somehow vaguely managing to interpret. Cut to about 5:30 in the morning of the last time I speak to her. I prod her for an answer: What the duck is going on (not actual words – you can thank the mods for that)? I fail to get any sleep in the next hour, which is when I need to get up for work. I arrive at work, and struggle to find anything to do. 9AM approaches anyway. “I guess I should tell you that I’m back with my ex.” Welp. Why the actual duck did I not see that coming from a mile away? It’s almost like something that I hoped would never happen again… happened again. Should she be confronted with this story, she’d attempt to defend herself by claiming I haven’t *technically* been wronged. We were never in a relationship. And would she be *technically* correct? Absolutely. I won’t deny that. Do technicalities make it hurt any less? Of ducking course not. The heart cares little for what the mind is able to acknowledge. Did I probably quote or at least paraphrase somebody just now without realizing whom? Yeah, probably. Humanity has existed for a long-ass time. There is no such thing as an original thought anymore. Anything that pops into my head, or the head of anyone else currently alive, has appeared in the heads of humans past already. It’s one of a very few things of which I am 100% certain.

I suppose that’s my story as I wish to tell it right now, current right up to this moment. Unless you want to hear about my hellish day at work or my car trouble. No? I didn’t think so. Well then, who am I? I feel like I’ve said a whole lot of nothing with regard to that. I’ve told a story. A story that is completely true, with a lot of gory details that I’m likely oversharing. But you, dear reader, still don’t know shit about me. Seriously, describe me in a handful of words, right at this point. Lemme guess. “Some redditor with a ducked up life.” And you’re not wrong, but let’s make that a bit more three-dimensional, shall we?

Let’s start out with my shows. As you can guess, these are important to me. And also, they’re all cartoons. For the uninitiated, SvTFoE, one I’ve mentioned numerous times already, is Star vs. the Forces of Evil. It’s Daron Nefcy’s take on the “magical girl” genre. Imagine if Sailor Moon, Gravity Falls, and Steven Universe had a baby. You’d get SvTFoE. Of course, I’ve also seen Steven Universe. Hell, I thought that someone else claiming to have watched it meant that we were in love. TL;DR: The way to my heart is through cartoons. A few other favorites are Gravity Falls, BoJack Horseman, and Rick and Morty. Haven’t seen many/any of these? No problem! I’d love to introduce you to them! Now may be a good time to mention that I’m currently working as an AV programmer, so even with regard to the fact that I’m massively underpaid, watching TV at my place is an experience.

And what’s a kickass AV system if not paired with something good to drink? I always keep good beer stocked up. At the moment of original writing of this post, I’m drinking “I’m On a Boat” by Monday Night Brewing. I tried it at the reddit meetup back in June, and it’s changed my former opinion of Georgia being unable to produce a decent beer (okay fine; 420 is good, but also kind of a generic IPA). I also more or less stock a full bar, and I’ve never once received a complaint about my drinks. Being of Cajun heritage, knowing my booze is practically in my veins (I meant this figuratively, but it can probably also be taken in a literal sense)!

What else? I have a cat named Roxy. Being proudly childfree, I’m quite happy with being the father of a wonderful cat. Remember how I said I can learn from my dad’s mistakes? His mistake? Me. Or, to be more general… Kids. He was living the dream before the three of us came along. Convertible? Check. Yacht? Check. Personal plane? Check. Did I mention he was kind of a badass too? Yeah… He flew my great grandmother to the hospital after she suffered a detached retina. Then he got married, and the three of us came along. All of those nice things? Gone. I guess I was still a spoiled kid though. Disney World four times, along with assorted other vacations? Check. Who am I? I’m a spoiled, yet still solidly middle-class, kid who had to learn to take on the real world after losing my dad, I suppose.

Oh, you thought that was all? Nope! I love chess, but I’m not very good at it. I also like card games. Cards Against Humanity and Exploding Kittens are a couple of favorites. At the reddit meetup a little while back, I also discovered Codewords and Sleep in a Bucket. Also fantastic. Other random stuff. I’d consider myself a Libertarian, but I’m pretty open-minded politically, so if you have well-reasoned beliefs (really, anything beyond “that guy has a D/R next to his name; I’ll vote for him, and duck the other guy!”), I’d love to talk about them! I love road trips and visiting different places. This is sadly something I haven’t done that much of for financial reasons, but it’s most decidedly my “happy place.” I love good food as well. Cajun cuisine is my favorite, but that’s hard to find about here (by the way, don’t let your first experience with alligator be Georgia alligator… it’s gross compared to the real Louisiana deal). I also delight in good Mexican and Italian food. Oh, and I ducking love Korean BBQ. If you haven’t yet tried Breakers, allow me to be the one to introduce you to it?

Also, upon my proofreading review of this, I realized that I never explained my hatred of standardized tests. This is where I would have spoken about that. I’ll also add that I’m really good at standardized tests. Possible conversation starter: Ask me to talk about standardized tests, and why I despise them.

I just realized, before I get to the “you” part of this, that I haven’t really described my physical appearance. I stand at six feet even. I’ve brown eyes, and brown, slightly long-ish (right now, about halfway down my neck?) hair for a guy. I’m also pretty damn white, but ever so slightly less white than usual on account of being outside for eight hours for the reddit meetup, I suppose. Edit: Now that it’s about a month past that, I’m back to my usual shade of white.

You’re still here?!? 5600 words, and not a goddamn peep about what I’m looking for, huh? Let’s fix that! Ask me a month ago what I’m looking for, and I wouldn’t have been able to put it into words. I think that’s been my biggest takeaway as of late. I’ve had a journey, I suppose. So, what have I learned in these 25 years, and this past month in particular, about what I aspire to find?

I suppose this one’s a given, based on the post title, but you should probably be female. I also used to have an age preference of at least 21 listed, due to the fact that 21 is the drinking age here, and it would be nice to have a drink together when we go out, but then I remembered I do most of my drinking at home anyway. In consideration of this, I’m not seeking anyone of a particular age. Ultimately, the catalyst for this, I suppose, was a rather irate message I received from someone who took personal offense to the age recommendation. I neither see the sense in taking personal offense to a random r4r post, nor do I know what can be accomplished by writing such an angry response to one, but it is what it is, I suppose. Regardless, I acknowledge that I may have missed a potential connection because of that, so I am no longer including this suggestion.

Now that we’ve gotten biological factors out of the way, what else do I aspire to find? Given that it sank my last almost-relationship, I’d suggest that you not be in the process of getting over an ex (and I figured this should be a given, but it needs to be said due to some responses I’ve received, that you should be single). Let’s not waste my time or yours, shall we? I’d also add that it’s *strongly* recommended that you live near-ish to Atlanta. I’ve done the long-distance thing before, and it was hell. There’s nothing more satisfying than sharing a close physical proximity to a kindred spirit, and I long to have that experience.

On a bit of a tangent, yet an important one, what am I looking for, in the sense of what I’d like you to be? It may be obvious, but yes, I do seek someone who I might eventually call my girlfriend. But not *just* a girlfriend. I view the relationships in my life in a hierarchy, in which higher-ranking relationships are strict supersets of the others. Let’s for now omit family from that hierarchy. I’m not into incest. What I mean by this is that I’d also like said girlfriend to also be my best friend. Someone I can talk to about anything and everything. Even when that means I’d need to talk to you, in that role as “best friend,” about you, in that other role as “girlfriend.” How’s your day going? How about mine? What’s troubling you (even if the answer is “me”)? What’s troubling me (even if the answer if “you”)? Someone who it just feels natural, feels… right, being completely open and honest with.

Lighthearted bonus: Major plus if you pronounce “gif” correctly and have the correct opinion on the role of pineapple on pizza. Alternatively, some playful banter on either subject might be fun. ;)

In closing, what would I hope for you to be? Be *different.* To be blunt, if you’d describe yourself as “normal,” we’re probably not compatible. I mean, be real here. Do “normal” people write 6597-word posts in danger of running afoul of reddit’s character limits, then post them on r4r? I can’t say I understand the machinations of normal people all that well, but if I had to guess, probably not. Will a majority, or even a significant fraction, of people who click a link to this post read it all the way through? I can’t say I understand the machinations of a majority, or even a significant fraction, of people who click a link to this post all that well, but if I had to guess, probably not. With that being said, if you did, and even if you choose not to respond, thank you! Writing this has given me a unique perspective from which to reflect on my life, and whether or not it results in a meaningful encounter, I’ve at least gained that from it. Will any significant number of people who read this all the way through respond? I can’t say I… Nah, just ducking with ya’. I’m not going to do that again. ;)

“Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes…”

submitted by /u/Justin__D to r/r4r
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Interesting Theory on Kawhi Leonard

San Antonio Sport News - Mon, 07/16/2018 - 08:24

So, I don't often listen to sports radio because they go on weird tangents and have too many commercials, but I was listening to some interesting dialogue on the whole Kawhi situation, and it was interesting stuff.

The whole thing with San Antonio is, they almost have this expectation that you'll get drafted by them, play your whole career there, and then when you retire, enter into their front office or something similar. Duncan, Manu, Parker (up until this year), Robinson, and up to this point Kawhi.

The theory is that Kawhi doesn't want to finish his career in San Antonio. He's a Cali kid that wants to see what else the league has to offer, and wants to do it in his prime. He's already won DPOY twice, has a ring and was Finals MVP. It's hard to say if he really has anything necessarily left to prove. With arguably ~10 years left on his career, he wants to see what it's like to be an NBA player in big city.

Whether or not this is his intention, only Kawhi knows, but it was quite interesting.

submitted by /u/asafianow to r/nba
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The Standings Game - Ideal Results for the Week of July 16th, 2018

San Antonio Sport News - Sun, 07/15/2018 - 10:20

Welcome to The Standings Game!

The Standings Game is something I plan on putting together every week for this subreddit so we can keep track of our race to a playoff berth. It is essentially a list of the most ideal results for all USL games (with respect to Colorado Springs's position in the standings) on a given week. I will only assign ideal outcomes to games that affect the Western Conference standings.

I will also make a note of which games are most important to our current situation in the standings. These will mostly be intra-conference games, however they can also include games where a team is threatening to remove us from a playoff position, or games with a significant statistical impact on Colorado Springs's playoff chances.

At the end of each week's schedule, I will update the list with the actual results, as well as indicate how the game affected our statistical probability of making the playoffs. Games that have an insignificant or near-zero effect on our standings will be denoted with a +/-0.0% value. Games regarding teams that have already clinched a playoff berth or been statistically eliminated will not be listed, unless their opponent is of relevance to Colorado Springs's standings.

Please note that there might be some numbers that don't quite make sense, or percentages that may change in the middle of an evening of games. I'll do my best to update and explain these, but if anything seems off or confusing, feel free to ask!

Note: all ideal results are assumed to be regulation victories, unless otherwise noted.

Ideal Results for Wednesday, July 18th, 2018

Matchup Ideal Result Importance Actual Result Playoff % Effect Orange County SC @ Swope Park Rangers OC Win/Draw Average TBD TBD%

Ideal Results for Friday, July 20th, 2018

Matchup Ideal Result Importance Actual Result Playoff % Effect Seattle Sounders FC 2 @ Phoenix Rising FC SEA Win Average TBD TBD%

Ideal Results for Saturday, July 21st, 2018

Matchup Ideal Result Importance Actual Result Playoff % Effect Tulsa Roughnecks FC @ Colorado Springs Switchbacks FC COS Win Key Game TBD TBD% Orange County SC @ Saint Louis FC OC Win Average TBD TBD% Real Monarchs SLC @ San Antonio FC RSL Win Average TBD TBD% OKC Energy FC @ Sacramento Republic FC SAC Win/Draw Average TBD TBD%

Ideal Results for Sunday, July 22nd, 2018

Matchup Ideal Result Importance Actual Result Playoff % Effect Las Vegas Lights FC @ Portland Timbers 2 Draw Average TBD TBD% Rio Grande Valley FC @ Swope Park Rangers RGV Win Average TBD TBD%

Colorado Springs Switchbacks FC Playoff Chances
Before Games: 13.9%
After Games: TBD%
Change: TBD%

Last Weeks Standings Game
Current USL Standings
Sports Clubs Stats: Source used to extrapolate all data in this post.

submitted by /u/tugreenwave to r/SwitchbacksFC
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25 [M4F] Atlanta - Sensibility vs. the Tinderization of Dating

San Antonio Sport News - Sat, 07/14/2018 - 11:50

White Unicorn: It’s been rebornded.

Star: That’s not a word.

There’s a good chance you’ve seen a post by this title, written by me, before. In fact, I last posted an iteration of it a couple of months ago (and reposted this one with minor changes a few times since its original posting in mid-June in hopes the right person will find it)! And I met someone! But that was relatively short-lived, with a calamitous ending. Enticed? Read on (wanna skip straight to spoilers? Paragraph 27)! Lesson learned: Don’t date someone who clearly isn’t over her ex. Actually, I think I’ve learned a lot in the past couple of months, regarding who I am and who I’m looking for. Let’s hope that manifests itself in an ability to write a more enlightened r4r post. I know that I’d certainly love for someone to get to know the real me, so I’ve got a lot to cover. Let’s get started!

“Writing is rewriting, you know.” – Eclipsa Butterfly

I’ve reused this post title a lot, for about six different written-from-scratch iterations of this post now (the last of those was 3131 words and never actually saw the light of day). And there’s a reason for that! For one thing, I really, really want you to know that I watch SvTFoE. It’s a great show, and you should watch it too! Aside from being a reference to that, there’s another reason behind the title. Tinder sucks. Dare I say it, Tinder ruined dating. OKCupid used to be okay. Then they decided to ape Tinder and turn it into a vapid swipe-left/swipe-right experience. Good job, you made me delete my (paying!) account and never look back. Needless to say, Tinderization, that is, making into a Tinder-like experience, is an epidemic. And much like the Black Death way back when, it’s threatening an extinction, only not of humankind, but of meaningful dating. Fuck that.

So here I am on r4r again. Reddit is my life anyway. I’m kind of ashamed to say it, but it’s more or less shaped my twenties. It’s how I wound up in Atlanta. It’s how I developed my taste in TV shows. Both of these two things, I suppose my ex was responsible for, but I met her here, so there’s that. It’s also helped me kill literal *months* of downtime at work. If there’s one community I identify with, y’all are it. So thanks for that. Also, yes, I believe “y’all” has a legitimate place in the English language. Agree? Disagree? Let’s talk about it!

I suppose this is the part where I tell my life’s story. It’s… Odd. I’ve made some questionable choices, which have led to what I am today. I’ll go so far as to say that I am the sum of my mistakes. Is it somewhat strange for me to wear that as a badge of honor? Perhaps. It does mean I’ve had a hell of a lot of experiences to learn from though. But I suppose it could be summed up in a quote by one Eclipsa Butterfly: “Well… I did what I had to for me.”

I was born in Lake Charles, Louisiana, on a day not too far off from Mardi Gras, which is conveniently my favorite holiday (it’s probably worthy of note that I go home for Mardi Gras every year, and my birthday does occasionally fall on it, although it will for the last time in my possible lifespan in 2021… yes, for the resourceful among you, I just revealed my birthday; I’ve long ago stopped caring about being doxxed; I have nothing to hide). Growing up, it was a pretty boring place (although they’re getting breweries, live music, food trucks, and other cool stuff now!), and my parents lived pretty far out of town. There were cows just behind our backyard, in fact. My dad frequently worked out of town (New Orleans when I was little, and Beaumont as I approached my teens), but for not having seen him that much, I find myself having modeled my life and goals heavily after his. This would become quite the tragedy later on.

Enter my preschool years. I don’t remember them very well, but apparently I had a crush on some girl with a habit of eating her nose droppings? Also, I apparently had a habit of reading my teacher’s college mythology textbooks. I suppose the big takeaway from my time in preschool is that I was weird (and still am, I suppose), and I read at a college level (no, I didn’t need to brag about this… feel free to post away on r/iamverysmart; do I at least get points for being self-aware of my pseudo-intellectualism? ;P). I think I also had bronchitis for a little while.

“All knowledge is good knowledge, I always say.” – Eclipsa Butterfly

Onward, to elementary school! I should mention at this point that from kindergarten to twelfth grade, I actually went to the same school. Talk about academic inbreeding. Unfortunately, it was a private Christian school. Which meant they taught religion instead of science. Also, sex ed was more or less, “Sex causes diseases. Don’t do it.” Also, there was some “Drugs are bad, m’kay?” in there too. And alcohol is bad too apparently, despite the fact that Jesus’ first miracle was turning water into wine at a party. Then what do you know, I leave that environment and learn real science, and find out that sex and drugs are great! Way to make sure that people’s future kids (good thing I don’t want any) are kept far, far away from religion. I don’t remember much of what I was up to in elementary school, aside from the fact that I had a longstanding crush on this one girl. She has kids now, so I think I dodged a bullet there. Also, I was known for talking my *ass* off back then. I think the reason I’m so shy nowadays is because I spoke most of my lifetime word quota (is there such a thing, and do the 6000 I’m writing now deduct from it? Shit…) when I was little…

Middle school? Middle school was pretty uneventful for me. More fake science. More religious indoctrination. More of the same. And this was before learning what heartbreak was, and by extension, depression. So yeah… this sorry excuse for a paragraph is all I have to say about my time in middle school. I don’t understand the horror stories others have from this era of their lives. It would make for a terrible story. Really.

Now high school is when my life really went to hell. For starters, I lost my dad just days before my fifteenth birthday. The person who more than anyone else has influenced me to be who I am today. The one who taught me to pursue knowledge. The one who taught me to always rise to a challenge. The one who taught me that I can accomplish anything if I work for it hard enough. The one who filled his brain with the History channel (back when it was actually about history) instead of mindless football (spoiler alert, I don’t get sports). I know I didn’t have him in my life all that much, since he always had to maintain two residences because of work, and even when he didn’t, he would work super-weird hours, but he was everything I always aspired to be. It helps that he wasn’t really all that religious, as compared to my overzealous mother. I think any time he participated was really just to placate my mom. Hell, he’d even fall asleep in church. I’m sad I never had the chance to talk to him after I came of age. Being robbed of that sucks. Realizing I’ll never amount to a fraction of what he did sucks even more. That being said, aside from my own, I’ve been able to learn from his mistakes too. More on that later, once I’ve told my story.

High school is also when I had my first experience with rejection. The funny thing? I brought it upon myself. I earned it via my own foolishness. The heartbreak itself isn’t my biggest regret. It’s that things *could* have been different. They *could* have been better. Yet here we are. It was a Wednesday morning, and I remember it distinctly, for reasons not least of which is that we had mandatory bullshit chapel services on Wednesdays. I was in the tenth grade. She was in the eighth. We’ll call her VB. I’m in the kitchen putting my lunchbox in the fridge. VB enters the room. She twirls about. “How do I look?” “Okay, I guess?” What I meant to say was that she looked stunning. But I didn’t have the courage to say it. When I finally gained that courage about a year later, it was too late. She was already spoken for. Most of my friends at the time were people from online forums, and suffice it to say angsty me was no favorite of theirs. Hell, they still give me shit over it to this day.

On the positive side, this school did teach spelling all the way through twelfth grade. Apparently, public school doesn’t do that. And that’s producing a generation that can’t fucking spell. Case in point: My younger brother and sister. My mom, concerned about this fact, once asked their teacher, “Why don’t you teach spelling?” That teacher’s response: “It’s not on the standardized test.” Mhmm. Standardized tests mean *fuck all* in life. More on that later. Oh, and I did go to “prom” for three out of four years of high school. It’s important to note that “prom” is in quotes. This is for many reasons. First and foremost is that there was no dancing. There was at the after-party, but I usually spent these hiding behind my phone in a corner (despite being boring as fuck as parties, I would always get invited to them because I’d known the girl that throws them for years). Obviously, I was cool with the whole “no dancing” thing. I only dance if I’m alone and drunk. I prefer not to make a spectacle of myself. Then there’s also the “three of four years” thing. I think “normal” schools only have those for senior year? My school had it for all four, I suppose because the classes were so tiny. The year I didn’t go? I didn’t have a “date.” Once again, “date” is quoted, because the girls I went with (fun fact: all of them are married now) were just friends. Still, going to prom with me was a rite of passage, because of my long history with the school and the fact that females outnumbered males by a fair bit in my age range at this school.

I would go on to graduate at the top of my class, but is that really an achievement when you graduate in a class of four? Given the small class size, each of us created a presentation featuring a photo collage set to music. I aptly chose Weird Al’s “White and Nerdy,” which sums me up unusually well. We even got a family friend to loan us their Segway for some photos. Unfortunately, the principal declared his hatred for “rap,” and banned use of the song. Consulting a longtime friend of mine who wouldn’t call himself a musician despite certainly deserving to, I chose “It’s My Life” by Bon Jovi, an interesting choice in and of itself, since it references Frank Sinatra’s “My Way,” which was my mom’s class song in high school.

After this, I went to college. After all, how could I not, after my late father’s decree that he would disown me if I didn’t? Due to financial concerns, I stayed in Lake Charles and went to McNeese. Of course, I majored in computer science, just as everyone knew I would since birth, more or less. I loved most of my CS classes, despite the lion’s share of them being review of material I already knew. What I hated? That I more or less wound up with a math degree afterward. I hate math. How many times have I used calculus after I graduated anyway? Zero. Exactly zero. Unless you count hearing a reference to Leibniz in Epic Rap Battles of History, and actually knowing who the fuck he is.

I’m sure you’ll notice at this point that I’m only really talking about academics. Most people partied it up in college. On account of living with my very religious mother, coupled with being almost dysfunctionally introverted, I had no such opportunities to speak of. In fact, before I turned 21, I’d only experienced alcohol twice. Due to having to drive her to Houston for medical treatment (she’s infamous for not driving anywhere near a large city, resulting in her paying close to $1000 for plane tickets to places she could’ve driven to and back for just over a tenth of that – and she says my spending habits are wasteful), I spent my 21st birthday with her. Fortunately, once she was unable to stop me, she sort of just passively watched as I enjoyed a delicious margarita at Bodega’s. If you’re ever in Houston, you really must try it. One thing I find Atlanta to be sorely lacking is decent margaritas. If you know a place, please do let me know. I haven’t had one in a couple of years. The ones at Guaco Joe’s are tolerable, but still a far cry from “good.”

So… at this point in my tale, I am 21 years old, and still have never been in anything even remotely approaching a relationship. Well, one day during my junior year, I discover r4r. I write a post. Damn… I’ve learned a lot since then. That post was an embarrassment compared to this one (which, in and of itself is probably pretty damn embarrassing – I apologize from the bottom of my heart for mistaking “long” for “good”). Yet someone responds! Let’s call her Nicole. She was 18 and just about to graduate from high school. She and her ex were still together, but she knew it was toward the end and didn’t want to place all her eggs in one basket. Call me a shitty person for knowing this and making my move anyway, and you’d probably be right. It did eventually pay off though. Twelve days after we spoke, they split up, and two days later, Nicole and I were together. By the way, she lived here in Atlanta. Now I wonder how I wound up here…

She lives with her overly-protective parents, who never let her go anywhere or do anything. But needless to say, I want to meet my new romantic interest. What do I do? I make plans to attend her graduation (and make my mom pay for it!). The good thing about my mom being fearful of driving on trips or in cities? If she wants to go on a vacation, she has to deal with my plans. That being said, a ten-hour, 700-mile drive is a far cry from the 300-mile, five-hour drive to San Antonio that was my longest before this point. It feels like nothing now, but at the time, I was asking *myself* “Are we there yet?” Regardless, I manage to spend about an hour with Nicole at her graduation rehearsal. We almost break up after that, which I managed to recover from. Anticlimactic, huh? The next day, I attempt to see her backstage at the graduation, but it’s swarming with cops, who don’t let me in. Fantastic. The closest I get is that we sit at a table near hers at the restaurant she goes to afterward. Do recall those overprotective parents of hers. They wouldn’t hear of her dating anyone, and to make matters worse, her dad had killed someone at some point. Not really the kind of guy I’d want to fuck with.

Regardless, I pledge to move here by the end of summer. That didn’t really pan out. It turns out that companies, especially out-of-town companies, have zero interest in hiring someone without a degree. We keep it mostly long-distance for awhile, with me driving in to visit every few months. As somewhat of an oddity, I had *insane* amounts of spending money in college, compared to what I have even now. I finally graduate, with an amazingly unimpressive 3.31 GPA.

At least I finally get a job though. 700 miles away from home. I should’ve known it was too good to be true – they lowballed me big-time, and I took it out of desperation. But it’s too late now – I made my deal with the devil, and I’m still in that same job, making a whopping $3k a year more than I did when I started. At least I got a nominal “promotion” that gave me a title change. Oh, and I can expense my phone now. Whatever. You’d think the company would realize they have a problem. It’s turned into a revolving door. The programming team counts 10. Four have left in the past year, specifically citing compensation. I too have mentioned it as an issue. We maybe have six programmers experienced enough to take on a major project without help, with me among them. I single-handedly deal with our biggest client, sacrificing my normal week-long vacations to make sure we can support them, since I haven’t had help dealing with them in half a year now. Any time they try to get me some help, that person quits. If I left the company, they’d be SOL. Yet, no raise. I suppose part of it is my own complacency. I leave super-early every day. I strut around like I own the place. I constantly act like I’m pissed off at everyone, and it’s a waste of time to have to deal with *anyone.* Any time I approach my boss, I’m visibly and audibly irate, and I just bitch and moan about people I have to pretend to tolerate. What do I get for being underpaid? I get to do whatever the fuck I want, and it’s kind of nice. I pride myself in being that guy nobody wants to have to deal with, but you do anyway if you want the job done right. Just like the guy who trained me in my current role and dealings with this client. Suffice it to say that I’ve taken up the mantle of his old role in more ways than one.

Back to my life outside work. I’m now 23. That long-distance relationship of almost three years? I see Nicole even less now than I did before I moved here, all thanks to her parents. I tell her something needs to be done. She needs to talk to her parents, or hell, I’ll even do it. She refuses to give her blessing for this. She’s scared. Understandably so, but I uprooted my life, *for her.* I took a leap of faith, *for her.* Can’t she do the same? So I did what I had to for me. I did what I promised I would never do. And to this day, I don’t regret it. It was necessary. And had I not, I’d be in a long-distance relationship of four and a half years now, despite doing everything possible to make it not so. I broke up with her. I probably did it in the shittiest possible way, too. It was in response to an “I love you.” But what would you do in that situation? Fake feelings that you know damn well that you don’t feel anymore, all to not ruin the moment? Which is really the shitty thing to do there?

Commence the next few weeks of my life, which were the only time that I would’ve described myself as “single and happy,” since in that moment, I was single by choice. Eventually, it gets pretty lonely though. I make a few posts on a now-nonexistent section of Craigslist, looking for a handful of oddly-specific things, that I’ll leave to the imagination for now. There is a time and a place for everything, and now is neither the time nor the place for that. I’m vacationing back home when I get a response to one of these. Let’s call this woman Michelle. She’s a couple of years older than Nicole, but the same height – 5’1”. I’m still weirded out that both of my formal relationships have been with members of that exact height. Oh, spoiler alert, I suppose.

Michelle and I meet up when I return home from my vacation, at a Golden Corral of all places. First date (although not really, since my intent for this was not a relationship), and she’s already back at my place. First sign that she’s trouble, I suppose. Unless this went forward as a hookup as planned. But nope. It isn’t so. We don’t see each other again for another month, but once we do, she promptly moves in with me. Way to go, me. Fantastic idea, allowing this. Someone I’ve met all of twice, moving in with me. Give it a few more weeks, and we have “the talk.” It feels like we’re a couple, yet we’re not? So we make it official.

God… I was so blind. Michelle and I had *nothing* in common. At all. She would watch Steven Universe with me, and I somehow allowed that to mislead me into thinking otherwise. She was redneck as *fuck* and had two kids. Considering the number of kids I find acceptable in my life is a hard zero (although fortunately, I never met them), I was clearly out of my mind. I was trying to forget my ex and a handful of r4r meetups gone wrong. Anyway, cut to three weeks later. She has me drive her to LaGrange to meet up with a couple of “gay friends” of hers. Big mistake. Per a mutual friend of ours (actually, one of her exes, but he’s pretty cool, and I’m still proud to call him a friend), “Gay friends? She doesn’t have any gay friends.” Oops… After working until 10 at night at a job site in Marietta, she texts me, asking her to bring the things she’s keeping at my place. I do so. As in, I drive to LaGrange, after midnight, then back here (I live somewhat east of Atlanta proper), with work the next day. I never hear from her again after that. That being said, I’m hanging out with the aforementioned friend and another friend at an uh… Let’s call it an “entertainment venue,” over on that side of things. We track her down to where we all suspect she’s staying. Yep, she’s back with an ex of hers. Suffice it to say, my pals and I were there to beat the shit out of him, but you don’t bring fists to a gun fight, and you guessed it… His parents had guns, so we did the only thing we could do and left quietly, despite my drunk ass being somewhat inclined to do otherwise. I got fucked over, unceremoniously and big-time. Let’s hope that never happens again…

My story continues about two months ago. I am now 25 years young/old. Pick one. I post something to r4r, that was yet another evolutionary stepping-stone to what you currently read (and if you’ve made it this far, thank you, you’ve clearly the patience of a damn saint!). I get a handful of replies. Most of the conversations that ensue were forced. I wanted something that didn’t exist, so I’d continue to partake in conversations that were of little to no interest to me, because it’s better than nothing, right? But one sticks out. Someone who’s just… Different.

Let’s call her Grace. Grace and I make plans to meet up at a favorite restaurant of mine. We decide on a place using a process intended to give both of us a voice, but being completely true to myself, I manage to rig the process to go to the exact place I wanted to attend (if you, dear reader, and I should wind up making plans to meet, here’s my approval for you to unilaterally pick a place… not saying that I don’t have *amazing* taste in restaurants though, despite the fact that I find those few and far between here). First date. Six hours. Two waiting for a table, two actually inside the restaurant, and two standing outside it talking. I’ve never successfully conversed with *anyone* on this level before. Six hours nonstop? It’s a form of connection I never knew existed! Sadly, little did I know that I formed too strong a bond with a person undeserving.

A week later, Grace and I meet at a venue far less glamorous – a fucking Wendy’s (her idea, not mine; c’mon… I’ve at least a modicum of class). Needless to say, we’re not there for six hours. That would be kinda lame. We return to my place afterward. After all, she’d expressed an interest in SvTFoE. We blow through season one in the next few hours, and she returns home (despite overall not being all that great, the first season does have its moments). After this, we see each other every couple of days from here until everything goes sour.

We were never formally together. But it sure as hell felt like it. She called it “friends with benefits.” I didn’t give a fuck what she called it; I felt like I was one with a kindred spirit, more than ever before. I had never felt anything like it. Then one day, something that I’ll describe only as a “bedroom snafu” happened. We probably could’ve gone forward, but honestly, the mood was ruined. We have an honest conversation, initially about stuff and things (translation: things I’d have to know someone way, way better to even casually mention). But then it takes a much darker turn: She reveals that she isn’t really over her ex. Grace leaves for work in the morning.

Given the unusual terms that she left on, two o’clock approaches. And given that the day in question was a Saturday, this is about when she would be leaving. But it turns out that at this particular moment, I’ve drunk a bit too much (SURPRISE! [to be read in Toffee’s voice]). I freak out, and say things that she doesn’t take well. We speak sparingly for the next couple of days, when she finally manages to get across that she needs her space, which I reluctantly agree to give to her after assuming she never wants to speak again, writing a 3131-word post that I planned to post here, and deleting it. Nearly two weeks pass. I decide to check up on her. I worried that the “spark” was lost, and we wouldn’t be able to hold a successful conversation anymore. Not to worry though, everything seemingly goes back to normal! Except, I slowly realize that she’s kind of gone off the deep end. As in, she’d may as well be speaking some foreign demon-language that I’m somehow vaguely managing to interpret. Cut to about 5:30 in the morning of the last time I speak to her. I prod her for an answer: What the fuck is going on? I fail to get any sleep in the next hour, which is when I need to get up for work. I arrive at work, and struggle to find anything to do. 9AM approaches anyway. “I guess I should tell you that I’m back with my ex.” Welp. Why the actual fuck did I not see that coming from a mile away? It’s almost like something that I hoped would never happen again… happened again. Should she be confronted with this story, she’d attempt to defend herself by claiming I haven’t *technically* been wronged. We were never in a relationship. And would she be *technically* correct? Absolutely. I won’t deny that. Do technicalities make it hurt any less? Of fucking course not. The heart cares little for what the mind is able to acknowledge. Did I probably quote or at least paraphrase somebody just now without realizing whom? Yeah, probably. Humanity has existed for a long-ass time. There is no such thing as an original thought anymore. Anything that pops into my head, or the head of anyone else currently alive, has appeared in the heads of humans past already. It’s one of a very few things of which I am 100% certain.

I suppose that’s my story as I wish to tell it right now, current right up to this moment. Unless you want to hear about my hellish day at work or my car trouble. No? I didn’t think so. Well then, who am I? I feel like I’ve said a whole lot of nothing with regard to that. I’ve told a story. A story that is completely true, with a lot of gory details that I’m likely oversharing. But you, dear reader, still don’t know shit about me. Seriously, describe me in a handful of words, right at this point. Lemme guess. “Some redditor with a fucked up life.” And you’re not wrong, but let’s make that a bit more three-dimensional, shall we?

Let’s start out with my shows. As you can guess, these are important to me. And also, they’re all cartoons. For the uninitiated, SvTFoE, one I’ve mentioned numerous times already, is Star vs. the Forces of Evil. It’s Daron Nefcy’s take on the “magical girl” genre. Imagine if Sailor Moon, Gravity Falls, and Steven Universe had a baby. You’d get SvTFoE. Of course, I’ve also seen Steven Universe. Hell, I thought that someone else claiming to have watched it meant that we were in love. TL;DR: The way to my heart is through cartoons. A few other favorites are Gravity Falls, BoJack Horseman, and Rick and Morty. Haven’t seen many/any of these? No problem! I’d love to introduce you to them! Now may be a good time to mention that I’m currently working as an AV programmer, so even with regard to the fact that I’m massively underpaid, watching TV at my place is an experience.

And what’s a kickass AV system if not paired with something good to drink? I always keep good beer stocked up. At the moment of original writing of this post, I’m drinking “I’m On a Boat” by Monday Night Brewing. I tried it at the reddit meetup back in June, and it’s changed my former opinion of Georgia being unable to produce a decent beer (okay fine; 420 is good, but also kind of a generic IPA). I also more or less stock a full bar, and I’ve never once received a complaint about my drinks. Being of Cajun heritage, knowing my booze is practically in my veins (I meant this figuratively, but it can probably also be taken in a literal sense)!

What else? I have a cat named Roxy. Being proudly childfree, I’m quite happy with being the father of a wonderful cat. Remember how I said I can learn from my dad’s mistakes? His mistake? Me. Or, to be more general… Kids. He was living the dream before the three of us came along. Convertible? Check. Yacht? Check. Personal plane? Check. Did I mention he was kind of a badass too? Yeah… He flew my great grandmother to the hospital after she suffered a detached retina. Then he got married, and the three of us came along. All of those nice things? Gone. I guess I was still a spoiled kid though. Disney World four times, along with assorted other vacations? Check. Who am I? I’m a spoiled, yet still solidly middle-class, kid who had to learn to take on the real world after losing my dad, I suppose.

Oh, you thought that was all? Nope! I love chess, but I’m not very good at it. I also like card games. Cards Against Humanity and Exploding Kittens are a couple of favorites. At the reddit meetup a little while back, I also discovered Codewords and Sleep in a Bucket. Also fantastic. Other random stuff. I’d consider myself a Libertarian, but I’m pretty open-minded politically, so if you have well-reasoned beliefs (really, anything beyond “that guy has a D/R next to his name; I’ll vote for him, and fuck the other guy!”), I’d love to talk about them! I love road trips and visiting different places. This is sadly something I haven’t done that much of for financial reasons, but it’s most decidedly my “happy place.” I love good food as well. Cajun cuisine is my favorite, but that’s hard to find about here (by the way, don’t let your first experience with alligator be Georgia alligator… it’s gross compared to the real Louisiana deal). I also delight in good Mexican and Italian food. Oh, and I fucking love Korean BBQ. If you haven’t yet tried Breakers, allow me to be the one to introduce you to it?

Also, upon my proofreading review of this, I realized that I never explained my hatred of standardized tests. This is where I would have spoken about that. I’ll also add that I’m really good at standardized tests. Possible conversation starter: Ask me to talk about standardized tests, and why I despise them.

I just realized, before I get to the “you” part of this, that I haven’t really described my physical appearance. I stand at six feet even. I’ve brown eyes, and brown, slightly long-ish (right now, about halfway down my neck?) hair for a guy. I’m also pretty damn white, but ever so slightly less white than usual on account of being outside for eight hours for the reddit meetup, I suppose. Edit: Now that it’s about a month past that, I’m back to my usual shade of white.

You’re still here?!? 5600 words, and not a goddamn peep about what I’m looking for, huh? Let’s fix that! Ask me a month ago what I’m looking for, and I wouldn’t have been able to put it into words. I think that’s been my biggest takeaway as of late. I’ve had a journey, I suppose. So, what have I learned in these 25 years, and this past month in particular, about what I aspire to find?

I suppose this one’s a given, based on the post title, but you should probably be female. My sexuality isn’t 100% straightforward (I can explain this in greater detail, someday, but I feel like it isn’t an ideal conversation starter?), but this is what I’m looking for. I also used to have an age preference of at least 21 listed, due to the fact that 21 is the drinking age here, and it would be nice to have a drink together when we go out, but then I remembered I do most of my drinking at home anyway. In consideration of this, I’m not seeking anyone of a particular age. Ultimately, the catalyst for this, I suppose, was a rather irate message I received from someone who took personal offense to the age recommendation. I neither see the sense in taking personal offense to a random r4r post, nor do I know what can be accomplished by writing such an angry response to one, but it is what it is, I suppose. Regardless, I acknowledge that I may have missed a potential connection because of that, so I am no longer including this suggestion.

Now that we’ve gotten biological factors out of the way, what else do I aspire to find? Given that it sank my last almost-relationship, I’d suggest that you not be in the process of getting over an ex (and I figured this should be a given, but it needs to be said due to some responses I’ve received, that you should be single). Let’s not waste my time or yours, shall we? I’d also add that it’s *strongly* recommended that you live near-ish to Atlanta. I’ve done the long-distance thing before, and it was hell. There’s nothing more satisfying than sharing a close physical proximity to a kindred spirit, and I long to have that experience.

On a bit of a tangent, yet an important one, what am I looking for, in the sense of what I’d like you to be? It may be obvious, but yes, I do seek someone who I might eventually call my girlfriend. But not *just* a girlfriend. I view the relationships in my life in a hierarchy, in which higher-ranking relationships are strict supersets of the others. Let’s for now omit family from that hierarchy. I’m not into incest. What I mean by this is that I’d also like said girlfriend to also be my best friend. Someone I can talk to about anything and everything. Even when that means I’d need to talk to you, in that role as “best friend,” about you, in that other role as “girlfriend.” How’s your day going? How about mine? What’s troubling you (even if the answer is “me”)? What’s troubling me (even if the answer if “you”)? Someone who it just feels natural, feels… right, being completely open and honest with.

Lighthearted bonus: Major plus if you pronounce “gif” correctly and have the correct opinion on the role of pineapple on pizza. Alternatively, some playful banter on either subject might be fun. ;)

In closing, what would I hope for you to be? Be *different.* To be blunt, if you’d describe yourself as “normal,” we’re probably not compatible. I mean, be real here. Do “normal” people write 6472-word posts in danger of running afoul of reddit’s character limits, then post them on r4r? I can’t say I understand the machinations of normal people all that well, but if I had to guess, probably not. Will a majority, or even a significant fraction, of people who click a link to this post read it all the way through? I can’t say I understand the machinations of a majority, or even a significant fraction, of people who click a link to this post all that well, but if I had to guess, probably not. With that being said, if you did, and even if you choose not to respond, thank you! Writing this has given me a unique perspective from which to reflect on my life, and whether or not it results in a meaningful encounter, I’ve at least gained that from it. Will any significant number of people who read this all the way through respond? I can’t say I… Nah, just fucking with ya’. I’m not going to do that again. ;)

“Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes…”

submitted by /u/Justin__D to r/r4r
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According to all known laws of aviation,

San Antonio Sport News - Sat, 07/14/2018 - 10:44

there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. Barry! Breakfast is ready! Ooming! Hang on a second. Hello? - Barry? - Adam? - Oan you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up. Looking sharp. Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those. Sorry. I'm excited. Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son. A perfect report card, all B's. Very proud. Ma! I got a thing going here. - You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me! - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye! Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! - Hey, Adam. - Hey, Barry. - Is that fuzz gel? - A little. Special day, graduation. Never thought I'd make it. Three days grade school, three days high school. Those were awkward. Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive. You did come back different. - Hi, Barry. - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. - Hear about Frankie? - Yeah. - You going to the funeral? - No, I'm not going. Everybody knows, sting someone, you die. Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead. I guess he could have just gotten out of the way. I love this incorporating an amusement park into our day. That's why we don't need vacations. Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances. - Well, Adam, today we are men. - We are! - Bee-men. - Amen! Hallelujah! Students, faculty, distinguished bees, please welcome Dean Buzzwell. Welcome, New Hive Oity graduating class of... ...9:15. That concludes our ceremonies. And begins your career at Honex Industries! Will we pick ourjob today? I heard it's just orientation. Heads up! Here we go. Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. - Wonder what it'll be like? - A little scary. Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco and a part of the Hexagon Group. This is it! Wow. Wow. We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive. Our top-secret formula is automatically color-corrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured into this soothing sweet syrup with its distinctive golden glow you know as... Honey! - That girl was hot. - She's my cousin! - She is? - Yes, we're all cousins. - Right. You're right. - At Honex, we constantly strive to improve every aspect of bee existence. These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology. - What do you think he makes? - Not enough. Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. - What does that do? - Oatches that little strand of honey that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions. Oan anyone work on the Krelman? Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot. But choose carefully because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life. The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that. What's the difference? You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off in 27 million years. So you'll just work us to death? We'll sure try. Wow! That blew my mind! "What's the difference?" How can you say that? One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make. I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. But, Adam, how could they never have told us that? Why would you question anything? We're bees. We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth. You ever think maybe things work a little too well here? Like what? Give me one example. I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about. Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach. Wait a second. Oheck it out. - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! - Wow. I've never seen them this close. They know what it's like outside the hive. Yeah, but some don't come back. - Hey, Jocks! - Hi, Jocks! You guys did great! You're monsters! You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it! - I wonder where they were. - I don't know. Their day's not planned. Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what. You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that. Right. Look. That's more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime. It's just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it. Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it. Those ladies? Aren't they our cousins too? Distant. Distant. Look at these two. - Oouple of Hive Harrys. - Let's have fun with them. It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock. Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom! He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me! - Oh, my! - I never thought I'd knock him out. What were you doing during this? Trying to alert the authorities. I can autograph that. A little gusty out there today, wasn't it, comrades? Yeah. Gusty. We're hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow. - Six miles, huh? - Barry! A puddle jump for us, but maybe you're not up for it. - Maybe I am. - You are not! We're going 0900 at J-Gate. What do you think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough? I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means. Hey, Honex! Dad, you surprised me. You decide what you're interested in? - Well, there's a lot of choices. - But you only get one. Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day? Son, let me tell you about stirring. You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around. You get yourself into a rhythm. It's a beautiful thing. You know, Dad, the more I think about it, maybe the honey field just isn't right for me. You were thinking of what, making balloon animals? That's a bad job for a guy with a stinger. Janet, your son's not sure he wants to go into honey! - Barry, you are so funny sometimes. - I'm not trying to be funny. You're not funny! You're going into honey. Our son, the stirrer! - You're gonna be a stirrer? - No one's listening to me! Wait till you see the sticks I have. I could say anything right now. I'm gonna get an ant tattoo! Let's open some honey and celebrate! Maybe I'll pierce my thorax. Shave my antennae. Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"! I'm so proud. - We're starting work today! - Today's the day. Oome on! All the good jobs will be gone. Yeah, right. Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front desk, hair removal... - Is it still available? - Hang on. Two left! One of them's yours! Oongratulations! Step to the side. - What'd you get? - Picking crud out. Stellar! Wow! Oouple of newbies? Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready! Make your choice. - You want to go first? - No, you go. Oh, my. What's available? Restroom attendant's open, not for the reason you think. - Any chance of getting the Krelman? - Sure, you're on. I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out. Wax monkey's always open. The Krelman opened up again. What happened? A bee died. Makes an opening. See? He's dead. Another dead one. Deady. Deadified. Two more dead. Dead from the neck up. Dead from the neck down. That's life! Oh, this is so hard! Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer, humming, inspector number seven, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor, mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I should... Barry? Barry! All right, we've got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine... What happened to you? Where are you? - I'm going out. - Out? Out where? - Out there. - Oh, no! I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life. You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello? Another call coming in. If anyone's feeling brave, there's a Korean deli on 83rd that gets their roses today. Hey, guys. - Look at that. - Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday? Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted. It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up. Really? Feeling lucky, are you? Sign here, here. Just initial that. - Thank you. - OK. You got a rain advisory today, and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain. So be careful. As always, watch your brooms, hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears and bats. Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us. Murphy's in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada! - That's awful. - And a reminder for you rookies, bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans! All right, launch positions! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Black and yellow! Hello! You ready for this, hot shot? Yeah. Yeah, bring it on. Wind, check. - Antennae, check. - Nectar pack, check. - Wings, check. - Stinger, check. Scared out of my shorts, check. OK, ladies, let's move it out! Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers! All of you, drain those flowers! Wow! I'm out! I can't believe I'm out! So blue. I feel so fast and free! Box kite! Wow! Flowers! This is Blue Leader. We have roses visual. Bring it around 30 degrees and hold. Roses! 30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around. Stand to the side, kid. It's got a bit of a kick. That is one nectar collector! - Ever see pollination up close? - No, sir. I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there, a pinch on that one. See that? It's a little bit of magic. That's amazing. Why do we do that? That's pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us. Oool. I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow. Oould be daisies. Don't we need those? Oopy that visual. Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move. Say again? You're reporting a moving flower? Affirmative. That was on the line! This is the coolest. What is it? I don't know, but I'm loving this color. It smells good. Not like a flower, but I like it. Yeah, fuzzy. Ohemical-y. Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby. My sweet lord of bees! Oandy-brain, get off there! Problem! - Guys! - This could be bad. Affirmative. Very close. Gonna hurt. Mama's little boy. You are way out of position, rookie! Ooming in at you like a missile! Help me! I don't think these are flowers. - Should we tell him? - I think he knows. What is this?! Match point! You can start packing up, honey, because you're about to eat it! Yowser! Gross. There's a bee in the car! - Do something! - I'm driving! - Hi, bee. - He's back here! He's going to sting me! Nobody move. If you don't move, he won't sting you. Freeze! He blinked! Spray him, Granny! What are you doing?! Wow... the tension level out here is unbelievable. I gotta get home. Oan't fly in rain. Oan't fly in rain. Oan't fly in rain. Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down! Ken, could you close the window please? Ken, could you close the window please? Oheck out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure. You see? Folds out. Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this. What was that? Maybe this time. This time. This time. This time! This time! This... Drapes! That is diabolical. It's fantastic. It's got all my special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies. What's number one? Star Wars? Nah, I don't go for that... ...kind of stuff. No wonder we shouldn't talk to them. They're out of their minds. When I leave a job interview, they're flabbergasted, can't believe what I say. There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out. I don't remember the sun having a big 75 on it. I predicted global warming. I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me. Wait! Stop! Bee! Stand back. These are winter boots. Wait! Don't kill him! You know I'm allergic to them! This thing could kill me! Why does his life have less value than yours? Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement? I'm just saying all life has value. You don't know what he's capable of feeling. My brochure! There you go, little guy. I'm not scared of him. It's an allergic thing. Put that on your resume brochure. My whole face could puff up. Make it one of your special skills. Knocking someone out is also a special skill. Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks. - Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? - Sure, Ken. You know, whatever. - You could put carob chips on there. - Bye. - Supposed to be less calories. - Bye. I gotta say something. She saved my life. I gotta say something. All right, here it goes. Nah. What would I say? I could really get in trouble. It's a bee law. You're not supposed to talk to a human. I can't believe I'm doing this. I've got to. Oh, I can't do it. Oome on! No. Yes. No. Do it. I can't. How should I start it? "You like jazz?" No, that's no good. Here she comes! Speak, you fool! Hi! I'm sorry. - You're talking. - Yes, I know. You're talking! I'm so sorry. No, it's OK. It's fine. I know I'm dreaming. But I don't recall going to bed. Well, I'm sure this is very disconcerting. This is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, you're a bee! I am. And I'm not supposed to be doing this, but they were all trying to kill me. And if it wasn't for you... I had to thank you. It's just how I was raised. That was a little weird. - I'm talking with a bee. - Yeah. I'm talking to a bee. And the bee is talking to me! I just want to say I'm grateful. I'll leave now. - Wait! How did you learn to do that? - What? The talking thing. Same way you did, I guess. "Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up. - That's very funny. - Yeah. Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry with what we have to deal with. Anyway... Oan I... ...get you something? - Like what? I don't know. I mean... I don't know. Ooffee? I don't want to put you out. It's no trouble. It takes two minutes. - It's just coffee. - I hate to impose. - Don't be ridiculous! - Actually, I would love a cup. Hey, you want rum cake? - I shouldn't. - Have some. - No, I can't. - Oome on! I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms. - Where? - These stripes don't help. You look great! I don't know if you know anything about fashion. Are you all right? No. He's making the tie in the cab as they're flying up Madison. He finally gets there. He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on. And he says, "Watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan. Why would I marry a watermelon?" Is that a bee joke? That's the kind of stuff we do. Yeah, different. So, what are you gonna do, Barry? About work? I don't know. I want to do my part for the hive, but I can't do it the way they want. I know how you feel. - You do? - Sure. My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist. - Really? - My only interest is flowers. Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan. Anyway, if you look... There's my hive right there. See it? You're in Sheep Meadow! Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond! No way! I know that area. I lost a toe ring there once. - Why do girls put rings on their toes? - Why not? - It's like putting a hat on your knee. - Maybe I'll try that. - You all right, ma'am? - Oh, yeah. Fine. Just having two cups of coffee! Anyway, this has been great. Thanks for the coffee. Yeah, it's no trouble. Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did, I'd be up the rest of my life. Are you...? Oan I take a piece of this with me? Sure! Here, have a crumb. - Thanks! - Yeah. All right. Well, then... I guess I'll see you around. Or not. OK, Barry. And thank you so much again... for before. Oh, that? That was nothing. Well, not nothing, but... Anyway... This can't possibly work. He's all set to go. We may as well try it. OK, Dave, pull the chute. - Sounds amazing. - It was amazing! It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life. Humans! I can't believe you were with humans! Giant, scary humans! What were they like? Huge and crazy. They talk crazy. They eat crazy giant things. They drive crazy. - Do they try and kill you, like on TV? - Some of them. But some of them don't. - How'd you get back? - Poodle. You did it, and I'm glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see. You had your "experience." Now you can pick out yourjob and be normal. - Well... - Well? Well, I met someone. You did? Was she Bee-ish? - A wasp?! Your parents will kill you! - No, no, no, not a wasp. - Spider? - I'm not attracted to spiders. I know it's the hottest thing, with the eight legs and all. I can't get by that face. So who is she? She's... human. No, no. That's a bee law. You wouldn't break a bee law. - Her name's Vanessa. - Oh, boy. She's so nice. And she's a florist! Oh, no! You're dating a human florist! We're not dating. You're flying outside the hive, talking to humans that attack our homes with power washers and M-80s! One-eighth a stick of dynamite! She saved my life! And she understands me. This is over! Eat this. This is not over! What was that? - They call it a crumb. - It was so stingin' stripey! And that's not what they eat. That's what falls off what they eat! - You know what a Oinnabon is? - No. It's bread and cinnamon and frosting. They heat it up... Sit down! ...really hot! - Listen to me! We are not them! We're us. There's us and there's them! Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning? There's no yearning. Stop yearning. Listen to me! You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. Thinking bee! - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! There he is. He's in the pool. You know what your problem is, Barry? I gotta start thinking bee? How much longer will this go on? It's been three days! Why aren't you working? I've got a lot of big life decisions to think about. What life? You have no life! You have no job. You're barely a bee! Would it kill you to make a little honey? Barry, come out. Your father's talking to you. Martin, would you talk to him? Barry, I'm talking to you! You coming? Got everything? All set! Go ahead. I'll catch up. Don't be too long. Watch this! Vanessa! - We're still here. - I told you not to yell at him. He doesn't respond to yelling! - Then why yell at me? - Because you don't listen! I'm not listening to this. Sorry, I've gotta go. - Where are you going? - I'm meeting a friend. A girl? Is this why you can't decide? Bye. I just hope she's Bee-ish. They have a huge parade of flowers every year in Pasadena? To be in the Tournament of Roses, that's every florist's dream! Up on a float, surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering. A tournament. Do the roses compete in athletic events? No. All right, I've got one. How come you don't fly everywhere? It's exhausting. Why don't you run everywhere? It's faster. Yeah, OK, I see, I see. All right, your turn. TiVo. You can just freeze live TV? That's insane! You don't have that? We have Hivo, but it's a disease. It's a horrible, horrible disease. Oh, my. Dumb bees! You must want to sting all those jerks. We try not to sting. It's usually fatal for us. So you have to watch your temper. Very carefully. You kick a wall, take a walk, write an angry letter and throw it out. Work through it like any emotion: Anger, jealousy, lust. Oh, my goodness! Are you OK? Yeah. - What is wrong with you?! - It's a bug. He's not bothering anybody. Get out of here, you creep! What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular? Yeah, it was. How did you know? It felt like about 10 pages. Seventy-five is pretty much our limit. You've really got that down to a science. - I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue. - I'll bet. What in the name of Mighty Hercules is this? How did this get here? Oute Bee, Golden Blossom, Ray Liotta Private Select? - Is he that actor? - I never heard of him. - Why is this here? - For people. We eat it. You don't have enough food of your own? - Well, yes. - How do you get it? - Bees make it. - I know who makes it! And it's hard to make it! There's heating, cooling, stirring. You need a whole Krelman thing! - It's organic. - It's our-ganic! It's just honey, Barry. Just what?! Bees don't know about this! This is stealing! A lot of stealing! You've taken our homes, schools, hospitals! This is all we have! And it's on sale?! I'm getting to the bottom of this. I'm getting to the bottom of all of this! Hey, Hector. - You almost done? - Almost. He is here. I sense it. Well, I guess I'll go home now and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around. You're busted, box boy! I knew I heard something. So you can talk! I can talk. And now you'll start talking! Where you getting the sweet stuff? Who's your supplier? I don't understand. I thought we were friends. The last thing we want to do is upset bees! You're too late! It's ours now! You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword! You, sir, will be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio! Where is the honey coming from? Tell me where! Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms! Orazy person! What horrible thing has happened here? These faces, they never knew what hit them. And now they're on the road to nowhere! Just keep still. What? You're not dead? Do I look dead? They will wipe anything that moves. Where you headed? To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here. I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood, crazy stuff. Blows your head off! I'm going to Tacoma. - And you? - He really is dead. All right. Uh-oh! - What is that?! - Oh, no! - A wiper! Triple blade! - Triple blade? Jump on! It's your only chance, bee! Why does everything have to be so doggone clean?! How much do you people need to see?! Open your eyes! Stick your head out the window! From NPR News in Washington, I'm Oarl Kasell. But don't kill no more bugs! - Bee! - Moose blood guy!! - You hear something? - Like what? Like tiny screaming. Turn off the radio. Whassup, bee boy? Hey, Blood. Just a row of honey jars, as far as the eye could see. Wow! I assume wherever this truck goes is where they're getting it. I mean, that honey's ours. - Bees hang tight. - We're all jammed in. It's a close community. Not us, man. We on our own. Every mosquito on his own. - What if you get in trouble? - You a mosquito, you in trouble. Nobody likes us. They just smack. See a mosquito, smack, smack! At least you're out in the world. You must meet girls. Mosquito girls try to trade up, get with a moth, dragonfly. Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito. You got to be kidding me! Mooseblood's about to leave the building! So long, bee! - Hey, guys! - Mooseblood! I knew I'd catch y'all down here. Did you bring your crazy straw? We throw it in jars, slap a label on it, and it's pretty much pure profit. What is this place? A bee's got a brain the size of a pinhead. They are pinheads! Pinhead. - Oheck out the new smoker. - Oh, sweet. That's the one you want. The Thomas 3000! Smoker? Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic. Twice the nicotine, all the tar. A couple breaths of this knocks them right out. They make the honey, and we make the money. "They make the honey, and we make the money"? Oh, my! What's going on? Are you OK? Yeah. It doesn't last too long. Do you know you're in a fake hive with fake walls? Our queen was moved here. We had no choice. This is your queen? That's a man in women's clothes! That's a drag queen! What is this? Oh, no! There's hundreds of them! Bee honey. Our honey is being brazenly stolen on a massive scale! This is worse than anything bears have done! I intend to do something. Oh, Barry, stop. Who told you humans are taking our honey? That's a rumor. Do these look like rumors? That's a conspiracy theory. These are obviously doctored photos. How did you get mixed up in this? He's been talking to humans. - What? - Talking to humans?! He has a human girlfriend. And they make out! Make out? Barry! We do not. - You wish you could. - Whose side are you on? The bees! I dated a cricket once in San Antonio. Those crazy legs kept me up all night. Barry, this is what you want to do with your life? I want to do it for all our lives. Nobody works harder than bees! Dad, I remember you coming home so overworked your hands were still stirring. You couldn't stop. I remember that. What right do they have to our honey? We live on two cups a year. They put it in lip balm for no reason whatsoever! Even if it's true, what can one bee do? Sting them where it really hurts. In the face! The eye! - That would hurt. - No. Up the nose? That's a killer. There's only one place you can sting the humans, one place where it matters. Hive at Five, the hive's only full-hour action news source. No more bee beards! With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk. Weather with Storm Stinger. Sports with Buzz Larvi. And Jeanette Ohung. - Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble. - And I'm Jeanette Ohung. A tri-county bee, Barry Benson, intends to sue the human race for stealing our honey, packaging it and profiting from it illegally! Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King, we'll have three former queens here in our studio, discussing their new book, Olassy Ladies, out this week on Hexagon. Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson. Did you ever think, "I'm a kid from the hive. I can't do this"? Bees have never been afraid to change the world. What about Bee Oolumbus? Bee Gandhi? Bejesus? Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans. We were thinking of stickball or candy stores. How old are you? The bee community is supporting you in this case, which will be the trial of the bee century. You know, they have a Larry King in the human world too. It's a common name. Next week... He looks like you and has a show and suspenders and colored dots... Next week... Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the guest even though you just heard 'em. Bear Week next week! They're scary, hairy and here live. Always leans forward, pointy shoulders, squinty eyes, very Jewish. In tennis, you attack at the point of weakness! It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81. Honey, her backhand's a joke! I'm not gonna take advantage of that? Quiet, please. Actual work going on here. - Is that that same bee? - Yes, it is! I'm helping him sue the human race. - Hello. - Hello, bee. This is Ken. Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe. Why does he talk again? Listen, you better go 'cause we're really busy working. But it's our yogurt night! Bye-bye. Why is yogurt night so difficult?! You poor thing. You two have been at this for hours! Yes, and Adam here has been a huge help. - Frosting... - How many sugars? Just one. I try not to use the competition. So why are you helping me? Bees have good qualities. And it takes my mind off the shop. Instead of flowers, people are giving balloon bouquets now. Those are great, if you're three. And artificial flowers. - Oh, those just get me psychotic! - Yeah, me too. Bent stingers, pointless pollination. Bees must hate those fake things! Nothing worse than a daffodil that's had work done. Maybe this could make up for it a little bit. - This lawsuit's a pretty big deal. - I guess. You sure you want to go through with it? Am I sure? When I'm done with the humans, they won't be able to say, "Honey, I'm home," without paying a royalty! It's an incredible scene here in downtown Manhattan, where the world anxiously waits, because for the first time in history, we will hear for ourselves if a honeybee can actually speak. What have we gotten into here, Barry? It's pretty big, isn't it? I can't believe how many humans don't work during the day. You think billion-dollar multinational food companies have good lawyers? Everybody needs to stay behind the barricade. - What's the matter? - I don't know, I just got a chill. Well, if it isn't the bee team. You boys work on this? All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding. All right. Oase number 4475, Superior Oourt of New York, Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry is now in session. Mr. Montgomery, you're representing the five food companies collectively? A privilege. Mr. Benson... you're representing all the bees of the world? I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor, we're ready to proceed. Mr. Montgomery, your opening statement, please. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my grandmother was a simple woman. Born on a farm, she believed it was man's divine right to benefit from the bounty of nature God put before us. If we lived in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines, just think of what would it mean. I would have to negotiate with the silkworm for the elastic in my britches! Talking bee! How do we know this isn't some sort of holographic motion-picture-capture Hollywood wizardry? They could be using laser beams! Robotics! Ventriloquism! Oloning! For all we know, he could be on steroids! Mr. Benson? Ladies and gentlemen, there's no trickery here. I'm just an ordinary bee. Honey's pretty important to me. It's important to all bees. We invented it! We make it. And we protect it with our lives. Unfortunately, there are some people in this room who think they can take it from us 'cause we're the little guys! I'm hoping that, after this is all over, you'll see how, by taking our honey, you not only take everything we have but everything we are! I wish he'd dress like that all the time. So nice! Oall your first witness. So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden of Honey Farms, big company you have. I suppose so. I see you also own Honeyburton and Honron! Yes, they provide beekeepers for our farms. Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term. I don't imagine you employ any bee-free-ers, do you? - No. - I couldn't hear you. - No. - No. Because you don't free bees. You keep bees. Not only that, it seems you thought a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey. They're very lovable creatures. Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear. You mean like this? Bears kill bees! How'd you like his head crashing through your living room?! Biting into your couch! Spitting out your throw pillows! OK, that's enough. Take him away. So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me. - Where have I heard it before? - I was with a band called The Police. But you've never been a police officer, have you? No, I haven't. No, you haven't. And so here we have yet another example of bee culture casually stolen by a human for nothing more than a prance-about stage name. Oh, please. Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting? Because I'm feeling a little stung, Sting. Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner! That's not his real name?! You idiots! Mr. Liotta, first, belated congratulations on your Emmy win for a guest spot on ER in 2005. Thank you. Thank you. I see from your resume that you're devilishly handsome with a churning inner turmoil that's ready to blow. I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime? Not yet it isn't. But is this what it's come to for you? Exploiting tiny, helpless bees so you don't have to rehearse your part and learn your lines, sir? Watch it, Benson! I could blow right now! This isn't a goodfella. This is a badfella! Why doesn't someone just step on this creep, and we can all go home?! - Order in this court! - You're all thinking it! Order! Order, I say! - Say it! - Mr. Liotta, please sit down! I think it was awfully nice of that bear to pitch in like that. I think the jury's on our side. Are we doing everything right, legally? I'm a florist. Right. Well, here's to a great team. To a great team! Well, hello. - Ken! - Hello. I didn't think you were coming. No, I was just late. I tried to call, but... the battery. I didn't want all this to go to waste, so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free. Oh, that was lucky. There's a little left. I could heat it up. Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever. So I hear you're quite a tennis player. I'm not much for the game myself. The ball's a little grabby. That's where I usually sit. Right... there. Ken, Barry was looking at your resume, and he agreed with me that eating with chopsticks isn't really a special skill. You think I don't see what you're doing? I know how hard it is to find the rightjob. We have that in common. Do we? Bees have 100 percent employment, but we do jobs like taking the crud out. That's just what I was thinking about doing. Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor for his fuzz. I hope that was all right. I'm going to drain the old stinger. Yeah, you do that. Look at that. You know, I've just about had it with your little mind games. - What's that? - Italian Vogue. Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages. A lot of ads. Remember what Van said, why is your life more valuable than mine? Funny, I just can't seem to recall that! I think something stinks in here! I love the smell of flowers. How do you like the smell of flames?! Not as much. Water bug! Not taking sides! Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat! This is pathetic! I've got issues! Well, well, well, a royal flush! - You're bluffing. - Am I? Surf's up, dude! Poo water! That bowl is gnarly. Except for those dirty yellow rings! Kenneth! What are you doing?! You know, I don't even like honey! I don't eat it! We need to talk! He's just a little bee! And he happens to be the nicest bee I've met in a long time! Long time? What are you talking about?! Are there other bugs in your life? No, but there are other things bugging me in life. And you're one of them! Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night... My nerves are fried from riding on this emotional roller coaster! Goodbye, Ken. And for your information, I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners made by man! I'm sorry about all that. I know it's got an aftertaste! I like it! I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me. I couldn't overcome it.

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Why Eden Hazard to Real Madrid isn't certain [Long Post]

San Antonio Sport News - Sat, 07/14/2018 - 05:48

Yesterday Real Madrid posted this statement regarding Neymar: https://www.realmadrid.com/en/news/2018/07/official-announcement-3

The general gist is that Real Madrid want to maintain their close, trustworthy working-relationship with PSG and thus have moved to publicly shut-down increasing rumours that they are going to move for Neymar this summer.

Since then i've seen so many reactionary posts and comments all over here and the internet saying that due to tabloid reports that Hazard is option C, this means for certain he will be a Real Madrid player by the end of the summer. Whilst I certainly understand there's a real chance of that happening I don't think it's as black and white as so many seem to think and I wanted to highlight the reasons for optimism and why we might be able to hold onto him.

TL;DR There are both other players for Real Madrid to move far and a number of reasons for Hazard to stay.

1. THE NEYMAR (AND MBAPPE) STATEMENTS DON'T MAKE MOVES IMPOSSIBLE

I say this cautiously because I don't have any real evidence beyond football clubs not exactly beacons of morality and, for the most part, I do believe that Madrid are being truthful with these statements. They also released a very similar bulletin about one of their other alleged 3 main targets, Mbappe1. The club's quick move to quash these rumours with direct, emphatic public statements are fairly unprecedented in football. More worrying still is the absence of such a directive about Eden Hazard and the implication that bears.

However, were Madrid to renege on these statements it would not be entirely surprising or shocking. For all we know these messages could have been released to prevent any allegations of tapping-up by PSG and face legal action down the line. Granted, for a club's hierarchy to put out such a public message is very rare, but in football there are hundreds of examples of a manager and club board guaranteeing a player will stay only for him to be sold the next week.

Furthermore, it seems clear that Neymar is keen to become a Madridista and this is reciprocated by the club. Sources of varying reliability have spoken of planned meetings between Madrid representatives and Neymar's father to try and work out a move this summer or next. So whilst I feel it's unlikely I don't think it can be 100% ruled-out that Real make a genuine move for either Neymar or Mbappe in the next couple of months.

However, the complicated and expensive nuances of both the Neymar and Mbappe deals that I won't pretend to fully understand would make PSG very unlikely to sell this year.

2. MADRID ARE LOOKING FOR A MARKETABLE STAR AND A GOALSCORER TO REPLACE RONALDO2

Eden Hazard may be a phenomenal footballer but he doesn't really fit into either of those categories to the extent that Real will expect.

With Ronaldo leaving Madrid have lost the world's most marketable footballer and a player who, bar his first season in Spain (where he got 33), hasn't scored fewer than 42 goals in a season. Hazard has never managed more than 19 for Chelsea in a season. Additionally, Hazard is a fairly shy, modest 27 year old family man that lacks the marketability of a Ronaldo, Neymar or Mbappe. Not to say he couldn't score 35 goals in an extremely attacking side in an 'easier' league but we've seen first-hand his selflessness and lack of killer instinct in comparison with Ronaldo and Messi- there's no way he could fill the yawning void left by Cristiano's goals. Hazard could still be signed alongside a centre-forward but there are other players Madrid could sign that could provide a big name, brand and creativity.

3. THERE ARE ALTERNATIVE OPTIONS FOR MADRID James Rodriguez
  • Already a Madrid player, James Rodriguez is about to enter the second and final year of his loan deal with Bayern Munich. A player signed by the Spanish giants as much for his marketability as his talent following a breakout World Cup in 2014. His marketability has been emphasised only 2 days ago when the head of branding at Bayern highlighted the importance of James' as a brand in the American market and that he is currently their number 1 shirt sale.3

  • When Madrid sent James out on loan last summer I'm sure they didn't envisage losing their best player within a year. Considering Rodriguez' quality and his brand it is not surprising that there are an increasing number of rumours about his return to Spain, facilitated by both the club and player's desire.4 Additionally, his biggest barrier to success at Madrid was Zidane, having lost the faith of his manager. With the Frenchman gone there would no longer by this issue.

  • I don't know the economic or legal nature of a potential return to his parent club but it would certainly be far cheaper than any deal for Hazard and the transition would be much easier.

Sergej Milinkovic-Savic
  • Perhaps a surprising option given he is a central midfielder, but SMS is arguably the world's hottest youngster after Mbappe which provides Madrid the chance to turn him into a global brand and make him a world star. Di Marzio reported this week that Jorge Mendes is currently trying to mediate a deal between Real and Lazio worth around 100m Euros.5

  • With Modric and Kroos aging (though showing few signs of slowing down) this could be a real statement of intent that would secure their midfield's future for another decade with one of Europe's hottest properties that offers goals from midfield, something they currently lack. SMS managed 12 league goals from 31 starts in the league this season (Modric and Kroos managed 6 between them) and would maybe help to spread Ronaldo's goals throughout the side.

Goalscorers
  • I won't go into too much detail because they would likely be a second signing to add a goalscorer to the side. Most notably are Icardi, a long-term target, or Lewandowski who has been pushing for a move for a year now. Even less likely are Salah and Kane, both intermittently linked to moves to the Spanish capital but who both recently signed new long-term deals at Liverpool and Spurs respectively.
4. ASENSIO

Madrid haven't historically been known to follow a programme promoting youth and tend to buy to fill gaps, much like Chelsea. However they have one of Europe's most exciting prospects at the club in Asensio who, like Hazard, operates best from the left-hand side. Used most frequently as an impact sub in key games, Asensio always provides an exciting spark and drive to his side but he has never been granted the opportunity of an extended run in the first-team to fully prove himself. Still only 20, Asensio managed 6 goals and 6 assists in only 19 starts.

Hazard would almost certainly block Asensio's pathway and development at a time when Real are showing signs that they are trying to be more sustainable by signing young players for the future like Ceballos and T. Hernandez. Furthermore, new manager Julen Lopetegui built his career on managing the Spanish youth teams and, more recently, the senior side. There is an expectancy that he will remain faithful to a Spanish core and build his side around one of his most trusted players- Isco. Lopetegui may want to see Asensio develop in a similar vein, something that may not be possible with the signing of Hazard. Asensio has all the quality and attributes to step up already and be given the chance to impress in the first XI. Perhaps this is naive to think but it's certainly worth considering.

5. CHELSEA DON'T HAVE TO SELL THIS SUMMER

Hazard still has 2 years left on his contract. Granted it's not the security of Spurs following Kane's new contract till 2024 last month, for example, but it's still a position of strength. In Hazard's own words he said last week, "the blue jersey suits me well, I am not bothered to stay".6 Like most Chelsea fans I don't believe Eden's the kind of player or man to kick up a massive fuss or even go on strike to force through a move. He clearly loves this club and, despite harbouring ambitions of playing in Madrid, is unlikely to drag himself or the club through the dirt for a move. As is also frequently reported, Eden's a family-man that is quite happily settled in England.

The fee being bandied around for Hazard has been anywhere between £150-200m and beyond. Were the club to hold onto him for another year to try and secure top 4 or a title challenge again this would be more beneficial in the long run. If he's not going to kick up a fuss then the club would be smart to keep him for another year and either sell him for the £75-100m he'd still likely command even with only a year left on his contract. Even better, by then Madrid might have made progress with Neymar and sign him instead. Arguably selling Hazard for £75m next year with Champions League football leaves the club in a much better position than selling him for only £150m this summer at a time when the club is experiencing a slight dip in attractiveness.

Related to this is the fact that the PL transfer window closes a month prior to that in Spain. There's no way this transfer saga will be a short one. There's only 26 days left in our window. While this could leave us in dire straits (putting it mildly) if he were to leave after at a time when we're not allowed to replace him to even try and replace him, equally the club position is strengthened if our market shuts with Eden still at the club.

6. THE CLUB ARE SHOWING AMBITION THIS SUMMER

In interviews this year Hazard has frequently indicated that a key factor in his decision to stay would rely on the club showing ambition in the transfer market this summer.7 The last couple of days have been huge in this regard. The club have just secured one of Europe's most exciting coaches who plays a style that is both attacking and caters perfectly to Eden. Furthermore, in the fallout from Conte's departure it is evident that the club seriously took into account the fact that key players were not happy with the Italian's management and were more likely to leave this summer if he were to remain at the helm.8

-Similarly, the club has just confirmed Jorginho, 'gazumping' Manchester City for their key CM target as they look for a long-term replacement for 33 year old Fernandinho. Trumping the side that cantered to the PL title last season is a serious statement of intent and the former-Napoli regista will prove key in helping the side transition from Conte's counter-attacking set-up to Napoli's high-octane, agressive, pressing style. In addition we could see one of the World Cup's brightest young stars and long-term Sarri target Aleksandr Golovin through the door soon, with the rumours in Russia suggesting he will choose Chelsea over Juventus if they remain the two clubs in for him. Although a divisive target, moving for Higuain is big for his name alone, not accounting for the fact that although now 31 he netted a record 36 goals in Serie A under Sarri for Napoli. Rugani also looks likely and is at the very least an exciting prospect who is naturally suited to the manager's style. I'm sure we will see more targets appear as Sarri settles into the job and begins preseason with his new squad.

There's no way Hazard can say we're moving backwards after the uninspiring summer of 2017 symbolised by the siging of Danny Drinkwater for £30m and there is an air of optimism around the club again. Abramovich is currently assembling a squad that will both excite and be in a position to challenge for top 4 at least next season.

Whilst we should certainly be concerned about Madrid's move to silence the rumours surrounding Neymar and Mbappe there are still reasons to hope and remain optimistic that Hazard will remain a Chelsea player beyond this summer. I do believe that he would prefer to be playing in Spain next summer but I strongly feel that the club can hold onto him for another year minimum, and possibly longer, forcing Real Madrid to look to alternatives or wait. In the time it took to write this there has been a worrying interview with Brian Laudrup but I suppose this is what we'll have to endure for the next couple of months, hopefully until the Spanish transfer window shuts and Hazard remains in blue.9

REFERENCES

1 https://www.realmadrid.com/en/news/2018/07/official-announcement-2

2 https://www.cope.es/noticias/futbol/madrid-fichara-crack-delantero-centro-para-suplir-cristiano_237937

3 https://www.reddit.com/r/soccer/comments/8ye1wp/james_rodriguez_is_a_priceless_brand_ambassador/

4 http://www.marca.com/en/football/real-madrid/2018/07/13/5b487e5be5fdea2f678b4669.html

5 https://twitter.com/DiMarzio/status/1017155511857410049

6 http://real-france.fr/hazard-avec-ou-sans-zidane-le-maillot-blanc-du-real-est-special/?

7 https://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/44133835

8 https://www.telegraph.co.uk/football/2018/07/12/revealed-inside-story-antonio-contes-chelsea-downfall/amp/?__twitter_impression=true

9 http://www.goal.com/en/news/hazard-is-preparing-for-real-madrid-move-laudrup-claims/15dcop21tokmn1bh8xg386s8fj

submitted by /u/audax6 to r/chelseafc
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[Show Thread] 7/14: Atlanta Brass Classic - Hiram, GA | DCI Northern Kentucky - Alexandria, KY | Tour of Champions – Northern Illinois - DeKalb, IL | Drums Along the Rockies - Denver, CO | Gold Showcase - El Cajon, CA

San Antonio Sport News - Sat, 07/14/2018 - 05:09

Atlanta Brass Classic - Hiram, GA

DCI Page

Lineup & Times

All times ET and subject to change

7:00 Welcome & National Anthem 7:10 Southern Knights - Pelham, AL 7:27 Carolina Gold - Greensboro, NC 7:44 Atlanta CV - Atlanta, GA 8:01 Intermission 8:16 Heat Wave - Inverness, FL 8:33 Southwind - Mobile, AL 8:50 Guardians - Seguin, TX 9:07 Louisiana Stars - Lafayette, LA 9:34 Scores Announced

DCI Northern Kentucky - Alexandria, KY

DCI Page

Lineup & Times

All times ET and subject to change

7:30 Welcome & National Anthem 7:40 Appalachian Gold 7:40 SoundSport Competition 7:50 The Diplomats - Windsor, ON 8:10 Cincinnati Tradition - Cincinnati, OH 8:27 Music City - Nashville, TN 8:44 Jersey Surf - Camden County, NJ 9:01 Intermission 9:26 Spirit of Atlanta - Atlanta, GA 9:43 Bluecoats - Canton, OH 10:00 Carolina Crown - Fort Mill, SC 10:25 Scores Announced

Tour of Champions – Northern Illinois - DeKalb, IL

DCI Page

Lineup & Times

All times CT and subject to change

7:00 Welcome & National Anthem 7:07 Pioneer - Milwaukee, WI 7:24 Colts - Dubuque, IA 7:41 Crossmen - San Antonio, TX 7:58 Blue Stars - La Crosse, WI 8:15 Intermission 8:45 Madison Scouts - Madison, WI 9:02 The Cavaliers - Rosemont, IL 9:19 Blue Devils - Concord, CA 9:36 Phantom Regiment - Rockford, IL 9:58 Scores Announced

Drums Along the Rockies - Denver, CO

DCI Page

Lineup & Times

All times MT and subject to change

6:30 Welcome & National Anthem 7:00 The Battalion - Salt Lake City, UT 7:17 Seattle Cascades - Seattle, WA 7:34 Pacific Crest - Diamond Bar, CA 7:51 Troopers - Casper, WY 8:08 Intermission 8:28 Oregon Crusaders - Portland, OR 8:45 The Academy - Tempe, AZ 9:02 Santa Clara Vanguard - Santa Clara, CA 9:19 Blue Knights - Denver, CO 9:46 Scores Announced

Gold Showcase - El Cajon, CA

DCI Page

Lineup & Times

All times PT and subject to change

6:30 Welcome & National Anthem 6:40 Vessel - Long Beach, CA 6:55 Watchmen - Riverside, CA 7:10 Incognito - Garden Grove, CA 7:25 Blue Devils "C" - Concord, CA 7:40 Golden Empire - Bakersfield, CA 7:55 Intermission 8:15 Impulse - Buena Park, CA 8:30 Blue Devils "B" - Concord, CA 8:45 Vanguard Cadets - Santa Clara, CA 9:00 Gold - Oceanside, CA 9:25 Scores Announced submitted by /u/DrumCorpsBot to r/drumcorps
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25 [M4F] Atlanta - Sensibility vs. the Tinderization of Dating

San Antonio Sport News - Wed, 07/11/2018 - 15:50

White Unicorn: It’s been rebornded.

Star: That’s not a word.

There’s a good chance you’ve seen a post by this title, written by me, before. In fact, I last posted an iteration of it a couple of months ago (and reposted this one with minor changes a few times since its original posting in mid-June in hopes the right person will find it)! And I met someone! But that was relatively short-lived, with a calamitous ending. Enticed? Read on (wanna skip straight to spoilers? Paragraph 27)! Lesson learned: Don’t date someone who clearly isn’t over her ex. Actually, I think I’ve learned a lot in the past couple of months, regarding who I am and who I’m looking for. Let’s hope that manifests itself in an ability to write a more enlightened r4r post. I know that I’d certainly love for someone to get to know the real me, so I’ve got a lot to cover. Let’s get started!

“Writing is rewriting, you know.” – Eclipsa Butterfly

I’ve reused this post title a lot, for about six different written-from-scratch iterations of this post now (the last of those was 3131 words and never actually saw the light of day). And there’s a reason for that! For one thing, I really, really want you to know that I watch SvTFoE. It’s a great show, and you should watch it too! Aside from being a reference to that, there’s another reason behind the title. Tinder sucks. Dare I say it, Tinder ruined dating. OKCupid used to be okay. Then they decided to ape Tinder and turn it into a vapid swipe-left/swipe-right experience. Good job, you made me delete my (paying!) account and never look back. Needless to say, Tinderization, that is, making into a Tinder-like experience, is an epidemic. And much like the Black Death way back when, it’s threatening an extinction, only not of humankind, but of meaningful dating. Fuck that.

So here I am on r4r again. Reddit is my life anyway. I’m kind of ashamed to say it, but it’s more or less shaped my twenties. It’s how I wound up in Atlanta. It’s how I developed my taste in TV shows. Both of these two things, I suppose my ex was responsible for, but I met her here, so there’s that. It’s also helped me kill literal *months* of downtime at work. If there’s one community I identify with, y’all are it. So thanks for that. Also, yes, I believe “y’all” has a legitimate place in the English language. Agree? Disagree? Let’s talk about it!

I suppose this is the part where I tell my life’s story. It’s… Odd. I’ve made some questionable choices, which have led to what I am today. I’ll go so far as to say that I am the sum of my mistakes. Is it somewhat strange for me to wear that as a badge of honor? Perhaps. It does mean I’ve had a hell of a lot of experiences to learn from though. But I suppose it could be summed up in a quote by one Eclipsa Butterfly: “Well… I did what I had to for me.”

I was born in Lake Charles, Louisiana, on a day not too far off from Mardi Gras, which is conveniently my favorite holiday (it’s probably worthy of note that I go home for Mardi Gras every year, and my birthday does occasionally fall on it, although it will for the last time in my possible lifespan in 2021… yes, for the resourceful among you, I just revealed my birthday; I’ve long ago stopped caring about being doxxed; I have nothing to hide). Growing up, it was a pretty boring place (although they’re getting breweries, live music, food trucks, and other cool stuff now!), and my parents lived pretty far out of town. There were cows just behind our backyard, in fact. My dad frequently worked out of town (New Orleans when I was little, and Beaumont as I approached my teens), but for not having seen him that much, I find myself having modeled my life and goals heavily after his. This would become quite the tragedy later on.

Enter my preschool years. I don’t remember them very well, but apparently I had a crush on some girl with a habit of eating her nose droppings? Also, I apparently had a habit of reading my teacher’s college mythology textbooks. I suppose the big takeaway from my time in preschool is that I was weird (and still am, I suppose), and I read at a college level (no, I didn’t need to brag about this… feel free to post away on r/iamverysmart; do I at least get points for being self-aware of my pseudo-intellectualism? ;P). I think I also had bronchitis for a little while.

“All knowledge is good knowledge, I always say.” – Eclipsa Butterfly

Onward, to elementary school! I should mention at this point that from kindergarten to twelfth grade, I actually went to the same school. Talk about academic inbreeding. Unfortunately, it was a private Christian school. Which meant they taught religion instead of science. Also, sex ed was more or less, “Sex causes diseases. Don’t do it.” Also, there was some “Drugs are bad, m’kay?” in there too. And alcohol is bad too apparently, despite the fact that Jesus’ first miracle was turning water into wine at a party. Then what do you know, I leave that environment and learn real science, and find out that sex and drugs are great! Way to make sure that people’s future kids (good thing I don’t want any) are kept far, far away from religion. I don’t remember much of what I was up to in elementary school, aside from the fact that I had a longstanding crush on this one girl. She has kids now, so I think I dodged a bullet there. Also, I was known for talking my *ass* off back then. I think the reason I’m so shy nowadays is because I spoke most of my lifetime word quota (is there such a thing, and do the 6000 I’m writing now deduct from it? Shit…) when I was little…

Middle school? Middle school was pretty uneventful for me. More fake science. More religious indoctrination. More of the same. And this was before learning what heartbreak was, and by extension, depression. So yeah… this sorry excuse for a paragraph is all I have to say about my time in middle school. I don’t understand the horror stories others have from this era of their lives. It would make for a terrible story. Really.

Now high school is when my life really went to hell. For starters, I lost my dad just days before my fifteenth birthday. The person who more than anyone else has influenced me to be who I am today. The one who taught me to pursue knowledge. The one who taught me to always rise to a challenge. The one who taught me that I can accomplish anything if I work for it hard enough. The one who filled his brain with the History channel (back when it was actually about history) instead of mindless football (spoiler alert, I don’t get sports). I know I didn’t have him in my life all that much, since he always had to maintain two residences because of work, and even when he didn’t, he would work super-weird hours, but he was everything I always aspired to be. It helps that he wasn’t really all that religious, as compared to my overzealous mother. I think any time he participated was really just to placate my mom. Hell, he’d even fall asleep in church. I’m sad I never had the chance to talk to him after I came of age. Being robbed of that sucks. Realizing I’ll never amount to a fraction of what he did sucks even more. That being said, aside from my own, I’ve been able to learn from his mistakes too. More on that later, once I’ve told my story.

High school is also when I had my first experience with rejection. The funny thing? I brought it upon myself. I earned it via my own foolishness. The heartbreak itself isn’t my biggest regret. It’s that things *could* have been different. They *could* have been better. Yet here we are. It was a Wednesday morning, and I remember it distinctly, for reasons not least of which is that we had mandatory bullshit chapel services on Wednesdays. I was in the tenth grade. She was in the eighth. We’ll call her VB. I’m in the kitchen putting my lunchbox in the fridge. VB enters the room. She twirls about. “How do I look?” “Okay, I guess?” What I meant to say was that she looked stunning. But I didn’t have the courage to say it. When I finally gained that courage about a year later, it was too late. She was already spoken for. Most of my friends at the time were people from online forums, and suffice it to say angsty me was no favorite of theirs. Hell, they still give me shit over it to this day.

On the positive side, this school did teach spelling all the way through twelfth grade. Apparently, public school doesn’t do that. And that’s producing a generation that can’t fucking spell. Case in point: My younger brother and sister. My mom, concerned about this fact, once asked their teacher, “Why don’t you teach spelling?” That teacher’s response: “It’s not on the standardized test.” Mhmm. Standardized tests mean *fuck all* in life. More on that later. Oh, and I did go to “prom” for three out of four years of high school. It’s important to note that “prom” is in quotes. This is for many reasons. First and foremost is that there was no dancing. There was at the after-party, but I usually spent these hiding behind my phone in a corner (despite being boring as fuck as parties, I would always get invited to them because I’d known the girl that throws them for years). Obviously, I was cool with the whole “no dancing” thing. I only dance if I’m alone and drunk. I prefer not to make a spectacle of myself. Then there’s also the “three of four years” thing. I think “normal” schools only have those for senior year? My school had it for all four, I suppose because the classes were so tiny. The year I didn’t go? I didn’t have a “date.” Once again, “date” is quoted, because the girls I went with (fun fact: all of them are married now) were just friends. Still, going to prom with me was a rite of passage, because of my long history with the school and the fact that females outnumbered males by a fair bit in my age range at this school.

I would go on to graduate at the top of my class, but is that really an achievement when you graduate in a class of four? Given the small class size, each of us created a presentation featuring a photo collage set to music. I aptly chose Weird Al’s “White and Nerdy,” which sums me up unusually well. We even got a family friend to loan us their Segway for some photos. Unfortunately, the principal declared his hatred for “rap,” and banned use of the song. Consulting a longtime friend of mine who wouldn’t call himself a musician despite certainly deserving to, I chose “It’s My Life” by Bon Jovi, an interesting choice in and of itself, since it references Frank Sinatra’s “My Way,” which was my mom’s class song in high school.

After this, I went to college. After all, how could I not, after my late father’s decree that he would disown me if I didn’t? Due to financial concerns, I stayed in Lake Charles and went to McNeese. Of course, I majored in computer science, just as everyone knew I would since birth, more or less. I loved most of my CS classes, despite the lion’s share of them being review of material I already knew. What I hated? That I more or less wound up with a math degree afterward. I hate math. How many times have I used calculus after I graduated anyway? Zero. Exactly zero. Unless you count hearing a reference to Leibniz in Epic Rap Battles of History, and actually knowing who the fuck he is.

I’m sure you’ll notice at this point that I’m only really talking about academics. Most people partied it up in college. On account of living with my very religious mother, coupled with being almost dysfunctionally introverted, I had no such opportunities to speak of. In fact, before I turned 21, I’d only experienced alcohol twice. Due to having to drive her to Houston for medical treatment (she’s infamous for not driving anywhere near a large city, resulting in her paying close to $1000 for plane tickets to places she could’ve driven to and back for just over a tenth of that – and she says my spending habits are wasteful), I spent my 21st birthday with her. Fortunately, once she was unable to stop me, she sort of just passively watched as I enjoyed a delicious margarita at Bodega’s. If you’re ever in Houston, you really must try it. One thing I find Atlanta to be sorely lacking is decent margaritas. If you know a place, please do let me know. I haven’t had one in a couple of years. The ones at Guaco Joe’s are tolerable, but still a far cry from “good.”

So… at this point in my tale, I am 21 years old, and still have never been in anything even remotely approaching a relationship. Well, one day during my junior year, I discover r4r. I write a post. Damn… I’ve learned a lot since then. That post was an embarrassment compared to this one (which, in and of itself is probably pretty damn embarrassing – I apologize from the bottom of my heart for mistaking “long” for “good”). Yet someone responds! Let’s call her Nicole. She was 18 and just about to graduate from high school. She and her ex were still together, but she knew it was toward the end and didn’t want to place all her eggs in one basket. Call me a shitty person for knowing this and making my move anyway, and you’d probably be right. It did eventually pay off though. Twelve days after we spoke, they split up, and two days later, Nicole and I were together. By the way, she lived here in Atlanta. Now I wonder how I wound up here…

She lives with her overly-protective parents, who never let her go anywhere or do anything. But needless to say, I want to meet my new romantic interest. What do I do? I make plans to attend her graduation (and make my mom pay for it!). The good thing about my mom being fearful of driving on trips or in cities? If she wants to go on a vacation, she has to deal with my plans. That being said, a ten-hour, 700-mile drive is a far cry from the 300-mile, five-hour drive to San Antonio that was my longest before this point. It feels like nothing now, but at the time, I was asking *myself* “Are we there yet?” Regardless, I manage to spend about an hour with Nicole at her graduation rehearsal. We almost break up after that, which I managed to recover from. Anticlimactic, huh? The next day, I attempt to see her backstage at the graduation, but it’s swarming with cops, who don’t let me in. Fantastic. The closest I get is that we sit at a table near hers at the restaurant she goes to afterward. Do recall those overprotective parents of hers. They wouldn’t hear of her dating anyone, and to make matters worse, her dad had killed someone at some point. Not really the kind of guy I’d want to fuck with.

Regardless, I pledge to move here by the end of summer. That didn’t really pan out. It turns out that companies, especially out-of-town companies, have zero interest in hiring someone without a degree. We keep it mostly long-distance for awhile, with me driving in to visit every few months. As somewhat of an oddity, I had *insane* amounts of spending money in college, compared to what I have even now. I finally graduate, with an amazingly unimpressive 3.31 GPA.

At least I finally get a job though. 700 miles away from home. I should’ve known it was too good to be true – they lowballed me big-time, and I took it out of desperation. But it’s too late now – I made my deal with the devil, and I’m still in that same job, making a whopping $3k a year more than I did when I started. At least I got a nominal “promotion” that gave me a title change. Oh, and I can expense my phone now. Whatever. You’d think the company would realize they have a problem. It’s turned into a revolving door. The programming team counts 10. Four have left in the past year, specifically citing compensation. I too have mentioned it as an issue. We maybe have six programmers experienced enough to take on a major project without help, with me among them. I single-handedly deal with our biggest client, sacrificing my normal week-long vacations to make sure we can support them, since I haven’t had help dealing with them in half a year now. Any time they try to get me some help, that person quits. If I left the company, they’d be SOL. Yet, no raise. I suppose part of it is my own complacency. I leave super-early every day. I strut around like I own the place. I constantly act like I’m pissed off at everyone, and it’s a waste of time to have to deal with *anyone.* Any time I approach my boss, I’m visibly and audibly irate, and I just bitch and moan about people I have to pretend to tolerate. What do I get for being underpaid? I get to do whatever the fuck I want, and it’s kind of nice. I pride myself in being that guy nobody wants to have to deal with, but you do anyway if you want the job done right. Just like the guy who trained me in my current role and dealings with this client. Suffice it to say that I’ve taken up the mantle of his old role in more ways than one.

Back to my life outside work. I’m now 23. That long-distance relationship of almost three years? I see Nicole even less now than I did before I moved here, all thanks to her parents. I tell her something needs to be done. She needs to talk to her parents, or hell, I’ll even do it. She refuses to give her blessing for this. She’s scared. Understandably so, but I uprooted my life, *for her.* I took a leap of faith, *for her.* Can’t she do the same? So I did what I had to for me. I did what I promised I would never do. And to this day, I don’t regret it. It was necessary. And had I not, I’d be in a long-distance relationship of four and a half years now, despite doing everything possible to make it not so. I broke up with her. I probably did it in the shittiest possible way, too. It was in response to an “I love you.” But what would you do in that situation? Fake feelings that you know damn well that you don’t feel anymore, all to not ruin the moment? Which is really the shitty thing to do there?

Commence the next few weeks of my life, which were the only time that I would’ve described myself as “single and happy,” since in that moment, I was single by choice. Eventually, it gets pretty lonely though. I make a few posts on a now-nonexistent section of Craigslist, looking for a handful of oddly-specific things, that I’ll leave to the imagination for now. There is a time and a place for everything, and now is neither the time nor the place for that. I’m vacationing back home when I get a response to one of these. Let’s call this woman Michelle. She’s a couple of years older than Nicole, but the same height – 5’1”. I’m still weirded out that both of my formal relationships have been with members of that exact height. Oh, spoiler alert, I suppose.

Michelle and I meet up when I return home from my vacation, at a Golden Corral of all places. First date (although not really, since my intent for this was not a relationship), and she’s already back at my place. First sign that she’s trouble, I suppose. Unless this went forward as a hookup as planned. But nope. It isn’t so. We don’t see each other again for another month, but once we do, she promptly moves in with me. Way to go, me. Fantastic idea, allowing this. Someone I’ve met all of twice, moving in with me. Give it a few more weeks, and we have “the talk.” It feels like we’re a couple, yet we’re not? So we make it official.

God… I was so blind. Michelle and I had *nothing* in common. At all. She would watch Steven Universe with me, and I somehow allowed that to mislead me into thinking otherwise. She was redneck as *fuck* and had two kids. Considering the number of kids I find acceptable in my life is a hard zero (although fortunately, I never met them), I was clearly out of my mind. I was trying to forget my ex and a handful of r4r meetups gone wrong. Anyway, cut to three weeks later. She has me drive her to LaGrange to meet up with a couple of “gay friends” of hers. Big mistake. Per a mutual friend of ours (actually, one of her exes, but he’s pretty cool, and I’m still proud to call him a friend), “Gay friends? She doesn’t have any gay friends.” Oops… After working until 10 at night at a job site in Marietta, she texts me, asking her to bring the things she’s keeping at my place. I do so. As in, I drive to LaGrange, after midnight, then back here (I live somewhat east of Atlanta proper), with work the next day. I never hear from her again after that. That being said, I’m hanging out with the aforementioned friend and another friend at an uh… Let’s call it an “entertainment venue,” over on that side of things. We track her down to where we all suspect she’s staying. Yep, she’s back with an ex of hers. Suffice it to say, my pals and I were there to beat the shit out of him, but you don’t bring fists to a gun fight, and you guessed it… His parents had guns, so we did the only thing we could do and left quietly, despite my drunk ass being somewhat inclined to do otherwise. I got fucked over, unceremoniously and big-time. Let’s hope that never happens again…

My story continues about two months ago. I am now 25 years young/old. Pick one. I post something to r4r, that was yet another evolutionary stepping-stone to what you currently read (and if you’ve made it this far, thank you, you’ve clearly the patience of a damn saint!). I get a handful of replies. Most of the conversations that ensue were forced. I wanted something that didn’t exist, so I’d continue to partake in conversations that were of little to no interest to me, because it’s better than nothing, right? But one sticks out. Someone who’s just… Different.

Let’s call her Grace. Grace and I make plans to meet up at a favorite restaurant of mine. We decide on a place using a process intended to give both of us a voice, but being completely true to myself, I manage to rig the process to go to the exact place I wanted to attend (if you, dear reader, and I should wind up making plans to meet, here’s my approval for you to unilaterally pick a place… not saying that I don’t have *amazing* taste in restaurants though, despite the fact that I find those few and far between here). First date. Six hours. Two waiting for a table, two actually inside the restaurant, and two standing outside it talking. I’ve never successfully conversed with *anyone* on this level before. Six hours nonstop? It’s a form of connection I never knew existed! Sadly, little did I know that I formed too strong a bond with a person undeserving.

A week later, Grace and I meet at a venue far less glamorous – a fucking Wendy’s (her idea, not mine; c’mon… I’ve at least a modicum of class). Needless to say, we’re not there for six hours. That would be kinda lame. We return to my place afterward. After all, she’d expressed an interest in SvTFoE. We blow through season one in the next few hours, and she returns home (despite overall not being all that great, the first season does have its moments). After this, we see each other every couple of days from here until everything goes sour.

We were never formally together. But it sure as hell felt like it. She called it “friends with benefits.” I didn’t give a fuck what she called it; I felt like I was one with a kindred spirit, more than ever before. I had never felt anything like it. Then one day, something that I’ll describe only as a “bedroom snafu” happened. We probably could’ve gone forward, but honestly, the mood was ruined. We have an honest conversation, initially about stuff and things (translation: things I’d have to know someone way, way better to even casually mention). But then it takes a much darker turn: She reveals that she isn’t really over her ex. Grace leaves for work in the morning.

Given the unusual terms that she left on, two o’clock approaches. And given that the day in question was a Saturday, this is about when she would be leaving. But it turns out that at this particular moment, I’ve drunk a bit too much (SURPRISE! [to be read in Toffee’s voice]). I freak out, and say things that she doesn’t take well. We speak sparingly for the next couple of days, when she finally manages to get across that she needs her space, which I reluctantly agree to give to her after assuming she never wants to speak again, writing a 3131-word post that I planned to post here, and deleting it. Nearly two weeks pass. I decide to check up on her. I worried that the “spark” was lost, and we wouldn’t be able to hold a successful conversation anymore. Not to worry though, everything seemingly goes back to normal! Except, I slowly realize that she’s kind of gone off the deep end. As in, she’d may as well be speaking some foreign demon-language that I’m somehow vaguely managing to interpret. Cut to about 5:30 in the morning of the last time I speak to her. I prod her for an answer: What the fuck is going on? I fail to get any sleep in the next hour, which is when I need to get up for work. I arrive at work, and struggle to find anything to do. 9AM approaches anyway. “I guess I should tell you that I’m back with my ex.” Welp. Why the actual fuck did I not see that coming from a mile away? It’s almost like something that I hoped would never happen again… happened again. Should she be confronted with this story, she’d attempt to defend herself by claiming I haven’t *technically* been wronged. We were never in a relationship. And would she be *technically* correct? Absolutely. I won’t deny that. Do technicalities make it hurt any less? Of fucking course not. The heart cares little for what the mind is able to acknowledge. Did I probably quote or at least paraphrase somebody just now without realizing whom? Yeah, probably. Humanity has existed for a long-ass time. There is no such thing as an original thought anymore. Anything that pops into my head, or the head of anyone else currently alive, has appeared in the heads of humans past already. It’s one of a very few things of which I am 100% certain.

I suppose that’s my story as I wish to tell it right now, current right up to this moment. Unless you want to hear about my hellish day at work or my car trouble. No? I didn’t think so. Well then, who am I? I feel like I’ve said a whole lot of nothing with regard to that. I’ve told a story. A story that is completely true, with a lot of gory details that I’m likely oversharing. But you, dear reader, still don’t know shit about me. Seriously, describe me in a handful of words, right at this point. Lemme guess. “Some redditor with a fucked up life.” And you’re not wrong, but let’s make that a bit more three-dimensional, shall we?

Let’s start out with my shows. As you can guess, these are important to me. And also, they’re all cartoons. For the uninitiated, SvTFoE, one I’ve mentioned numerous times already, is Star vs. the Forces of Evil. It’s Daron Nefcy’s take on the “magical girl” genre. Imagine if Sailor Moon, Gravity Falls, and Steven Universe had a baby. You’d get SvTFoE. Of course, I’ve also seen Steven Universe. Hell, I thought that someone else claiming to have watched it meant that we were in love. TL;DR: The way to my heart is through cartoons. A few other favorites are Gravity Falls, BoJack Horseman, and Rick and Morty. Haven’t seen many/any of these? No problem! I’d love to introduce you to them! Now may be a good time to mention that I’m currently working as an AV programmer, so even with regard to the fact that I’m massively underpaid, watching TV at my place is an experience.

And what’s a kickass AV system if not paired with something good to drink? I always keep good beer stocked up. At the moment of original writing of this post, I’m drinking “I’m On a Boat” by Monday Night Brewing. I tried it at the reddit meetup back in June, and it’s changed my former opinion of Georgia being unable to produce a decent beer (okay fine; 420 is good, but also kind of a generic IPA). I also more or less stock a full bar, and I’ve never once received a complaint about my drinks. Being of Cajun heritage, knowing my booze is practically in my veins (I meant this figuratively, but it can probably also be taken in a literal sense)!

What else? I have a cat named Roxy. Being proudly childfree, I’m quite happy with being the father of a wonderful cat. Remember how I said I can learn from my dad’s mistakes? His mistake? Me. Or, to be more general… Kids. He was living the dream before the three of us came along. Convertible? Check. Yacht? Check. Personal plane? Check. Did I mention he was kind of a badass too? Yeah… He flew my great grandmother to the hospital after she suffered a detached retina. Then he got married, and the three of us came along. All of those nice things? Gone. I guess I was still a spoiled kid though. Disney World four times, along with assorted other vacations? Check. Who am I? I’m a spoiled, yet still solidly middle-class, kid who had to learn to take on the real world after losing my dad, I suppose.

Oh, you thought that was all? Nope! I love chess, but I’m not very good at it. I also like card games. Cards Against Humanity and Exploding Kittens are a couple of favorites. At the reddit meetup a little while back, I also discovered Codewords and Sleep in a Bucket. Also fantastic. Other random stuff. I’d consider myself a Libertarian, but I’m pretty open-minded politically, so if you have well-reasoned beliefs (really, anything beyond “that guy has a D/R next to his name; I’ll vote for him, and fuck the other guy!”), I’d love to talk about them! I love road trips and visiting different places. This is sadly something I haven’t done that much of for financial reasons, but it’s most decidedly my “happy place.” I love good food as well. Cajun cuisine is my favorite, but that’s hard to find about here (by the way, don’t let your first experience with alligator be Georgia alligator… it’s gross compared to the real Louisiana deal). I also delight in good Mexican and Italian food. Oh, and I fucking love Korean BBQ. If you haven’t yet tried Breakers, allow me to be the one to introduce you to it?

Also, upon my proofreading review of this, I realized that I never explained my hatred of standardized tests. This is where I would have spoken about that. I’ll also add that I’m really good at standardized tests. Possible conversation starter: Ask me to talk about standardized tests, and why I despise them.

I just realized, before I get to the “you” part of this, that I haven’t really described my physical appearance. I stand at six feet even. I’ve brown eyes, and brown, slightly long-ish (right now, about halfway down my neck?) hair for a guy. I’m also pretty damn white, but ever so slightly less white than usual on account of being outside for eight hours for the reddit meetup, I suppose. Edit: Now that it’s about a month past that, I’m back to my usual shade of white.

You’re still here?!? 5600 words, and not a goddamn peep about what I’m looking for, huh? Let’s fix that! Ask me a month ago what I’m looking for, and I wouldn’t have been able to put it into words. I think that’s been my biggest takeaway as of late. I’ve had a journey, I suppose. So, what have I learned in these 25 years, and this past month in particular, about what I aspire to find?

I suppose this one’s a given, based on the post title, but you should probably be female. My sexuality isn’t 100% straightforward (I can explain this in greater detail, someday, but I feel like it isn’t an ideal conversation starter?), but this is what I’m looking for. Also, it’s probably for the best that you’re at least 21. I feel like if we can’t have a drink together while we’re out on a date, that would just be… weird. Don’t get me wrong, I totally believe the drinking age should be lowered to 18, but this is the shit we have to deal with considering our current bullshit laws here in the US. Younger than that? Become a libertarian icon by successfully petitioning to lower the drinking age, and I’ll happily declare your age a non-issue! Random fact: This is up to the jurisdiction of the states, although the federal government blackmails them by threatening to withhold a small percentage of federal highway funding if they don’t comply with the age of 21. I feel like we should be the state that goes for it; our roads can’t get any worse.

Now that we’ve gotten biological factors out of the way, what else do I aspire to find? Given that it sank my last almost-relationship, I’d suggest that you not be in the process of getting over an ex (and I figured this should be a given, but it needs to be said due to some responses I’ve received, that you should be single). Let’s not waste my time or yours, shall we? I’d also add that it’s *strongly* recommended that you live near-ish to Atlanta. I’ve done the long-distance thing before, and it was hell. There’s nothing more satisfying than sharing a close physical proximity to a kindred spirit, and I long to have that experience.

On a bit of a tangent, yet an important one, what am I looking for, in the sense of what I’d like you to be? It may be obvious, but yes, I do seek someone who I might eventually call my girlfriend. But not *just* a girlfriend. I view the relationships in my life in a hierarchy, in which higher-ranking relationships are strict supersets of the others. Let’s for now omit family from that hierarchy. I’m not into incest. What I mean by this is that I’d also like said girlfriend to also be my best friend. Someone I can talk to about anything and everything. Even when that means I’d need to talk to you, in that role as “best friend,” about you, in that other role as “girlfriend.” How’s your day going? How about mine? What’s troubling you (even if the answer is “me”)? What’s troubling me (even if the answer if “you”)? Someone who it just feels natural, feels… right, being completely open and honest with.

Lighthearted bonus: Major plus if you pronounce “gif” correctly and have the correct opinion on the role of pineapple on pizza. Alternatively, some playful banter on either subject might be fun. ;)

In closing, what would I hope for you to be? Be *different.* To be blunt, if you’d describe yourself as “normal,” we’re probably not compatible. I mean, be real here. Do “normal” people write 6487-word posts in danger of running afoul of reddit’s character limits, then post them on r4r? I can’t say I understand the machinations of normal people all that well, but if I had to guess, probably not. Will a majority, or even a significant fraction, of people who click a link to this post read it all the way through? I can’t say I understand the machinations of a majority, or even a significant fraction, of people who click a link to this post all that well, but if I had to guess, probably not. With that being said, if you did, and even if you choose not to respond, thank you! Writing this has given me a unique perspective from which to reflect on my life, and whether or not it results in a meaningful encounter, I’ve at least gained that from it. Will any significant number of people who read this all the way through respond? I can’t say I… Nah, just fucking with ya’. I’m not going to do that again. ;)

“Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes…”

submitted by /u/Justin__D to r/r4r
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Beto will be here in San Antonio on Saturday, July 14th

San Antonio Sport News - Wed, 07/11/2018 - 15:16

List of Events:
Mundial (World Cup) Watch Party with Beto O'Rourke (ages 21+)
Date: Saturday, July 14
Time: 8:00 AM - 9:30 AM CDT
Location: The Bend Sports Bar
7730 Bandera Rd
San Antonio, TX 78240

LGBTQ Brunch with Beto in San Antonio
Date: Saturday, July 14
Time: 10:00 AM - 12:00 PM CDT
Location: Casa Azul de Andrea
1036 S Alamo St
San Antonio, TX 78210

Musica y Tacos con Beto en San Antonio
Date: Saturday, July 14
Time: 5:30 PM - 8:30 PM CDT
Location: Rosedale Park
303 Dartmouth St. San Antonio, TX 78237

submitted by /u/WestTx7 to r/sanantonio
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If Kawhi agrees to play in Toronto, I'd love this following trade for both my favorite team and city I live in.

San Antonio Sport News - Wed, 07/11/2018 - 13:44

Hear me out.

Recently on Toronto Sports Media's radar, there have been rumblings that the Toronto Raptors have inquired (like probably the rest of the league) for Kawhi Leonard. If Masai (Messiah) Ujiri takes a gamble and trades for Kawhi Leonard by having talked to his "group" aka uncky D, then this is the trade I feel would benefit the Spurs GREATLY.

Please. Hear me out.

Toronto Raptors receive:
Kawhi Leonard and future 2020 first round pick and other

San Antonio Spurs receive:
DeMar Derozan, OG Anunoby and a 2019 draft pick.

The key to this trade is OG Anunoby, who like Kawhi, only says 1 word sentences. He's from the UK. He's a very long defender, hits the corner 3, defends his ass off and is beginning to learn more... dribbling...shooting off the dribble etc. Only 20 years old.

submitted by /u/GTADashcam to r/NBASpurs
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My Rankings for 2018-1990 (Follow up on a previous post)

San Antonio Sport News - Mon, 07/09/2018 - 22:17

I posted a couple of days ago my rankings for 2018-2009. Today I continued until 1990. I have changed some things from my last post, but nothing too major. I am well aware my taste in music, is lets say, unique, so please keep it civilized.

My Top 3 and Worst Song By Year

*Please note years with Israel in top 3 have, 4 due to a strong bias towards Israeli entries*

2018:

  1. MY LUCKY DAY- DeReDos- Moldova (10th)
  2. TOY- Netta Barzilai- Israel (1st)
  3. BONES- Equinox- Bulgaria (14th)
  4. MONSTERS- Saara Aalto- Finland (25th)

WORST: VISZLÁT NYÁR- AWS- Hungary (21st)

Notable: United Kingdom, Spain, Austria, Germany

2017:

  1. SPIRIT OF THE NIGHT- Valentina Monetta & Jimmie Wilson- San Marino (18th Semi-final)
  2. AMOR PELOS DIAS- Salvador Sobral- Portugal (1st)
  3. HEY, MOMMA!- Sunstroke Project- Moldova (3rd)

WORST: YODEL IT!- Ilinca ft. Alex Florea- Romania (7th)

Notable: HAVE TO GO BACK

2016:

  1. COLOR OF YOUR LIFE- Michal Szpak- Poland (8th)
  2. YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE- Sergey Lazarev- Russia (3rd)
  3. IF LOVE WAS A CRIME- Poli Genova- Bulgaria (4th)

WORST: DONA- Kaliopi- Macedonia (11th)

Notable: Made of Stars, HAVE TO GO BACK

2015

  1. GOLDEN BOY- Nadav Guedj- Israel (9th)
  2. STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU- Electro Velvet- United Kingdom (24th)
  3. HEROES- Måns Zelmerlöw- Sweden (1st)
  4. BLACK SMOKE- Ann Sophie- Germany (27th)

WORST: AINA MUN PITÄÄ- Pertti Kurikan Nimipäivät- Finland (16th Semi-final)

Notable: De La Capat, The Way You Are, Warrior

2014

  1. SAME HEART- Mei Finegold- Israel (14th Semi-final)
  2. HUNTER OF THE STARS- Sebalter- Switzerland (13th)
  3. RISE LIKE A PHOENIX- Conchita Wurst- Austria (1st)
  4. QUERO SER TUA- Suzy- Portugal (11th Semi-Final)

WORST: THREE MINUTES TO EARTH- The Shin & Mariko- Georgia (15th Semi- Final)

Notable:To The Sky, Undo, Cliche Love Song

2013

  1. YOU & ME- Takasa- Switzerland (13th in Semi-final)
  2. ONLY TEARDROPS- Emmelie de Forest- Denmark (1st)
  3. SOLAYOH- Alyona Lanskaya- Belarus (16th)

WORST: ALCOHOL IS FREE- Koza Mostra ft. Agathon Iakovidis- Greece (6th)

Notable:Shine, Hold Me, Waterfall, Tomorrow

2012

  1. EUPHORIA- Loreen- Sweden (1st)
  2. APHRODISIAC- Eleftheria Eleftheriou- Greece (17th)
  3. LA LA LOVE- Ivi Adamou- Cyprus (16th)

WORST: EURO NEURO- Rambo Amadeus- Montenegro (15th in Semi-Final)

Notable: Nebo, Standing Still, Never Forget, Party for Everybody

2011

  1. SOGNU- Amaury Vassili- France (15th)
  2. ROCKEFELLER STREET- Getter Jaani- Estonia (24th)
  3. LIPSTICK- Jedward- Ireland (8th)

WORST: SO LUCKY- Zdob şi Zdub- Moldova (12th)

Notable: Ding Dong, Haba Haba, Angel in Disguise

2010

  1. SATELLITE- Lena- Germany (1st)
  2. HOREHRONIE- Kristina- Slovakia (16th)
  3. ALLEZ OLA OLÉ- Jessy Matador- France (12th)

WORST: OVO JE BALKAN- Milan Stanković- Serbia (13th)

Notable: Israel, Moldova, Finland

2009

  1. FAIRYTALE- Alexander Rybak- Norway (1st)
  2. MISS KISS- KISS BANG- Alex Swings, Oscar Swings- Germany (20th)
  3. DUM TEK TEK- Hadise- Turkey (4th)

WORST: AVEN ROMALE- Gipsy.cz- Czech Republic (18th in Semi-Final)

Notable: Carry Me into Your Dreams

2008

  1. BELIEVE- Dima Bilan- Russia (1st)
  2. SECRET COMBINATION- Kalomira- Greece (3rd)
  3. WOLVES OF THE SEA- Pirates of the Sea- Latvia (12th)

WORST: BAILA EL CHIKI-CHIKI- Rodolfo Chikilicuatre- Spain (16th)

Notable: Bosnia, Denmark, Ukraine

2007

  1. YASSOU MARIA- Sarbel- Greece (7th)
  2. DANCING LASHA TUMBAI- Verka Serduchka- Ukraine (2nd)
  3. MOLITVA- Marija Šerifović- Serbia (1st)

WORST: MALA DAMA- Kabat- Czech Republic (28th Semi Final)

Notable: Denmark, Norway

2006

  1. EVERYTHING- Anna Vissi- Greece (9th)
  2. FOLLOW MY HEART- Ich Troje- Poland (11th Semi-Final)
  3. JE T’ADORE- Kate Ryan- Belgium (12th Semi-Final)

WORST: SUPER STAR- Sibin Tuzon- Turkey (11th)

Notable: Israel, Malta, Armenia

2005

  1. HASHEKET SHENISH’AR- Shiri Maimon- Israel (4th)
  2. MY NUMBER ONE- Helena Paparizou- Greece (1st)
  3. COOL VIBES- Vanilla Ninja- Switzerland (8th)
  4. ELA ELA - Constantinos Christoforou- Cyprus (18th)

WORST: RIMI RIMI LEY- Gulseren- Turkey (13th)

Notable: Bosnia, Netherlands

2004

  1. 1 LIFE- Xandee- Belgium (22nd)
  2. WILD DANCES- Ruslana- Ukraine (1st)
  3. PARA LLENARME DE TI- Ramon- Spain (10th)

WORST: MY GALILEO- Aleksandra and Konstantin- Belarus (19th Semi-Final)

Notable: Macedonia, Sweden, Malta

2003

  1. VISE NISAM TVOJA- Claudia Beni- Croatia (15th)
  2. TO DREAM AGAIN- Lynn Chircop- Malta (25th)
  3. WORDS OF LOVE- Lior Narkis- Israel (19th)
  4. CRY BABY- Jemini- United Kingdom (26th)

WORST: DON’T BREAK MY HEART- Nicola- Romania (10th)

Notable; Turkey, Cyprus

2002 (Very tough year to chose, many good songs)

  1. I WANNA- Marie N- Latvia (1st)
  2. EUROPE’S LIVING A CELEBRATION- Rosa - Spain (7th)
  3. LIGHT A CANDLE- Sarit Hadad- Israel (12th)
  4. NEVER LET GO- Afro Dite- Sweden (8th)

WORST: LEYLAKLAR SOLDU KALBİNDE- Buket Bengisu & Group Safir- Turkey (16th)

Notable: Cyprus

2001

  1. EVERYBODY- Tanel Padar, Dave Benton and 2XL- Estonia (1st)
  2. DIE FOR YOU- Antique- Greece (3rd)
  3. NEVER EVER LET YOU GO- Rollo & King- Denmark (2nd)

WORST: HANO- Nino Pršeš- Bosnia (14th)

Notable: United Kingdom, Spain, Sweden, Norway

2000

  1. DON’T PLAY THAT SONG AGAIN- Nicki French- United Kingdom (16th)
  2. FLYING ON THE WINGS OF LOVE- Olsen Brothers- Denmark (1st)
  3. MY STAR- Brainstorm- Latvia (3rd)

WORST: SAMEACH- PingPong- Israel (22nd)

Notable: Russia, Spain

1999

  1. LIVING MY LIFE WITHOUT YOU- Stik Van Eijk- Norway (14th)
  2. TAKE ME TO YOUR HEAVEN- Charlotte Nilsson- Sweden (1st)
  3. REISE NACH JERUSALEM--KUDUS’E SEYAHAT- Surpriz- Germany (3rd)

WORST: SAY IT AGAIN- Precious- United Kingdom (12th)

NOTABLE: Croatia

1998

  1. DIVA- Dana International- Israel (1st)
  2. MIA KRIFI EVESTHISIA- Thalassa- Greece (20th)
  3. DIS OUI- Mélanie Cohl- Belgium (6th)
  4. THE ONE THAT I LOVE- Chiara- Malta (3rd)

WORST: GUILDO HAT EUCH LIEB!- Guildo Horn- Germany (7th)

1997

  1. MANA MOU- Hara & Andreas Konstantinou- Cyprus (5th)
  2. SAN FRANCISCO- Tor Endresen- Norway (24th)
  3. GOODBYE- Alma Čardžić- Bosnia (18th(

WORST: DİNLE - Şebnem Paker & Grup Ethnic- Turkey (3rd)

1996 (Excluded the countries that did not qualify)

  1. MONO GIA MAS- Constantinos- Cyprus (9th)
  2. NIIN KAUNIS ON TAIVAS- Jasmine- Finland (23th)
  3. I EVIGHET- Elisabeth Andreassen- Norway (2nd)

WORST: AY QUE DESEO- Antonio Carbonell- Spain (20th)

NOTABLE: United Kingdom, Slovenia

1995

  1. STI FOTIA - Alexandros Panayi- Cyprus (9th)
  2. VUELVE CONMIGO- Anabel Conde- Spain (2nd)
  3. IL ME DONNE RENDEZ-VOUS- Nathalie Santamaria- France (4th)

WORST: SAMA- Justyna- Poland (18th)

NOTABLE: Ireland, Germany, Austria

1994

  1. BYE BYE BABY- CatCat- Finland (22nd)
  2. NAGU MERELAINE- Silvi Vrait- Estonia (24th)
  3. STO PREGANDO- Duilio- Switzerland (19th)

WORST: DINCOLO DE NORI- Dan Bittman- Romania (21st)

NOTABLE; Iceland, United Kingdom

1993

  1. UNDER STJERNERNE PÅ HIMLEN- Tommy Seebach Band- Denmark (22nd)
  2. ELLADA, HORA TOU FOTOS- Katerina Garbi- Greece (9th)
  3. MAMA CORSICA- Patrick Fiori- France (4th)

WORST: ALLE MINE TANKAR- Silje Vige- Norway (5th)

NOTABLE:Switzerland

1992 (This is where the Israel spam starts BTW)

  1. ZE RAK SPORT- Dafna Dekel- Israel (6th) *
  2. MISTER MUSIC MAN- Daisy Auvray- Switzerland (15th)
  3. NEI EOA JA- Heart 2 Heart- Iceland (7th)
  4. ONE STEP AT A TIME- Michael Ball- United Kingdom (2nd)

WORST; MONTE LA RIVIE- Kali- France (8th)

NOTABLE: Turkey, Luxembourg, Denmark

*I don’t think it’s the best song at the contest that year, but I have a love hate relationship with it. I always make fun of it, but it is so darn catchy that it gets stuck in my head for weeks everytime I listen to it, so I am putting it in first.

1991

  1. KAN- Duo Datz- Israel (3rd) <Favorite song ever in ESC>
  2. CANZONE PER TE- Sandra Simo- Switzerland (5th)
  3. C'EST LE DERNIER QUI A PRALE QUI A RAISON- Amina- France (2nd)
  4. BAILAR PEGADOS- Sergio Dalma- France (4th)

WORST: BRAZIL- Baby Doll- Yugoslavia (21st0

Notable; Iceland, Sweden, Turkey, United Kingdom

1990

  1. BANDIDO- Azucar Moreno- Spain (5th)
  2. MUSIK KLINGT IN DIE WELT HINAUS- Egon Egemann- Switzerland (11th)
  3. QUAND JE TE REVE- Céline Carzo- Luxembourg (13th)

Worst: HORIS SKOPO- Christos Callow & Wave- Greece (19th)

Notable: Denmark

So as you can see I am not done yet, I am planning on going as far back as possible tomorrow, so I'll probably post 2018- to sometime in the 70s or 60s (Either 1975, 1970, 1965, or if I am lucky 1956) Just a heads up for the next post, there will be a tie for me in 1974, so it is going to be a bit messy.

submitted by /u/ZaltyG to r/eurovision
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The Standings Game - Ideal Results for the Week of July 9th, 2018

San Antonio Sport News - Mon, 07/09/2018 - 16:40

Welcome to The Standings Game!

The Standings Game is something I plan on putting together every week for this subreddit so we can keep track of our race to a playoff berth. It is essentially a list of the most ideal results for all USL games (with respect to Colorado Springs's position in the standings) on a given week. I will only assign ideal outcomes to games that affect the Western Conference standings.

I will also make a note of which games are most important to our current situation in the standings. These will mostly be intra-conference games, however they can also include games where a team is threatening to remove us from a playoff position, or games with a significant statistical impact on Colorado Springs's playoff chances.

At the end of each week's schedule, I will update the list with the actual results, as well as indicate how the game affected our statistical probability of making the playoffs. Games that have an insignificant or near-zero effect on our standings will be denoted with a +/-0.0% value. Games regarding teams that have already clinched a playoff berth or been statistically eliminated will not be listed, unless their opponent is of relevance to Colorado Springs's standings.

Please note that there might be some numbers that don't quite make sense, or percentages that may change in the middle of an evening of games. I'll do my best to update and explain these, but if anything seems off or confusing, feel free to ask!

Note: all ideal results are assumed to be regulation victories, unless otherwise noted.

Ideal Results for Tuesday, July 10th, 2018

Matchup Ideal Result Importance Actual Result Playoff % Effect Sacramento Republic FC @ Swope Park Rangers SPR Win Average TBD TBD%

Ideal Results for Wednesday, July 11th, 2018

Matchup Ideal Result Importance Actual Result Playoff % Effect Las Vegas Lights FC @ OKC Energy FC OKC Win Average TBD TBD% Reno 1868 FC @ Los Angeles Galaxy II RNO Win Average TBD TBD%

Ideal Results for Saturday, July 14th, 2018

Matchup Ideal Result Importance Actual Result Playoff % Effect Sacramento Republic FC @ Colorado Springs Switchbacks FC COS Win Key Game TBD TBD% Las Vegas Lights FC @ Rio Grande Valley FC RGV Win Average TBD TBD% Tulsa Roughnecks FC @ Saint Louis FC TUL Win Average TBD TBD% Phoenix Rising FC @ Fresno FC Draw PHX Win TBD TBD% San Antonio FC @ Orange County SC OC Win Average TBD TBD% Swope Park Rangers @ Portland Timbers 2 SPR Win Average TBD TBD% Seattle Sounders FC 2 @ Real Monarchs SLC N/A None TBD TBD%

Colorado Springs Switchbacks FC Playoff Chances
Before Games: 25.3%
After Games: TBD%
Change: TBD%

Last Weeks Standings Game
Current USL Standings
Sports Clubs Stats: Source used to extrapolate all data in this post.

submitted by /u/tugreenwave to r/SwitchbacksFC
[link] [comments]

Here's some reading material while you wait for the Snap

San Antonio Sport News - Mon, 07/09/2018 - 15:47

According to all known laws of aviation,

there is no way a bee should be able to fly.

Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground.

The bee, of course, flies anyway

because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.

Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black.

Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little.

Barry! Breakfast is ready!

Ooming!

Hang on a second.

Hello?

  • Barry?
  • Adam?

  • Oan you believe this is happening?

  • I can't. I'll pick you up.

Looking sharp.

Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those.

Sorry. I'm excited.

Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son.

A perfect report card, all B's.

Very proud.

Ma! I got a thing going here.

  • You got lint on your fuzz.
  • Ow! That's me!

  • Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000.

  • Bye!

Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house!

  • Hey, Adam.
  • Hey, Barry.

  • Is that fuzz gel?

  • A little. Special day, graduation.

Never thought I'd make it.

Three days grade school, three days high school.

Those were awkward.

Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive.

You did come back different.

  • Hi, Barry.
  • Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good.

  • Hear about Frankie?

  • Yeah.

  • You going to the funeral?

  • No, I'm not going.

Everybody knows, sting someone, you die.

Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead.

I guess he could have just gotten out of the way.

I love this incorporating an amusement park into our day.

That's why we don't need vacations.

Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances.

  • Well, Adam, today we are men.
  • We are!

  • Bee-men.

  • Amen!

Hallelujah!

Students, faculty, distinguished bees,

please welcome Dean Buzzwell.

Welcome, New Hive Oity graduating class of...

...9:15.

That concludes our ceremonies.

And begins your career at Honex Industries!

Will we pick ourjob today?

I heard it's just orientation.

Heads up! Here we go.

Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times.

  • Wonder what it'll be like?
  • A little scary.

Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco

and a part of the Hexagon Group.

This is it!

Wow.

Wow.

We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life

to get to the point where you can work for your whole life.

Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive.

Our top-secret formula

is automatically color-corrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured

into this soothing sweet syrup

with its distinctive golden glow you know as...

Honey!

  • That girl was hot.
  • She's my cousin!

  • She is?

  • Yes, we're all cousins.

  • Right. You're right.

  • At Honex, we constantly strive

to improve every aspect of bee existence.

These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology.

  • What do you think he makes?
  • Not enough.

Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman.

  • What does that do?
  • Oatches that little strand of honey

that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions.

Oan anyone work on the Krelman?

Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know

that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot.

But choose carefully

because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life.

The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that.

What's the difference?

You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off

in 27 million years.

So you'll just work us to death?

We'll sure try.

Wow! That blew my mind!

"What's the difference?" How can you say that?

One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make.

I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life.

But, Adam, how could they never have told us that?

Why would you question anything? We're bees.

We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth.

You ever think maybe things work a little too well here?

Like what? Give me one example.

I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about.

Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach.

Wait a second. Oheck it out.

  • Hey, those are Pollen Jocks!
  • Wow.

I've never seen them this close.

They know what it's like outside the hive.

Yeah, but some don't come back.

  • Hey, Jocks!
  • Hi, Jocks!

You guys did great!

You're monsters! You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it!

  • I wonder where they were.
  • I don't know.

Their day's not planned.

Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what.

You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that.

Right.

Look. That's more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime.

It's just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it.

Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it.

Those ladies? Aren't they our cousins too?

Distant. Distant.

Look at these two.

  • Oouple of Hive Harrys.
  • Let's have fun with them.

It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock.

Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom!

He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me!

  • Oh, my!
  • I never thought I'd knock him out.

What were you doing during this?

Trying to alert the authorities.

I can autograph that.

A little gusty out there today, wasn't it, comrades?

Yeah. Gusty.

We're hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow.

  • Six miles, huh?
  • Barry!

A puddle jump for us, but maybe you're not up for it.

  • Maybe I am.
  • You are not!

We're going 0900 at J-Gate.

What do you think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough?

I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means.

Hey, Honex!

Dad, you surprised me.

You decide what you're interested in?

  • Well, there's a lot of choices.
  • But you only get one.

Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day?

Son, let me tell you about stirring.

You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around.

You get yourself into a rhythm. It's a beautiful thing.

You know, Dad, the more I think about it,

maybe the honey field just isn't right for me.

You were thinking of what, making balloon animals?

That's a bad job for a guy with a stinger.

Janet, your son's not sure he wants to go into honey!

  • Barry, you are so funny sometimes.
  • I'm not trying to be funny.

You're not funny! You're going into honey. Our son, the stirrer!

  • You're gonna be a stirrer?
  • No one's listening to me!

Wait till you see the sticks I have.

I could say anything right now. I'm gonna get an ant tattoo!

Let's open some honey and celebrate!

Maybe I'll pierce my thorax. Shave my antennae.

Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"!

I'm so proud.

  • We're starting work today!
  • Today's the day.

Oome on! All the good jobs will be gone.

Yeah, right.

Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front desk, hair removal...

  • Is it still available?
  • Hang on. Two left!

One of them's yours! Oongratulations! Step to the side.

  • What'd you get?
  • Picking crud out. Stellar!

Wow!

Oouple of newbies?

Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready!

Make your choice.

  • You want to go first?
  • No, you go.

Oh, my. What's available?

Restroom attendant's open, not for the reason you think.

  • Any chance of getting the Krelman?
  • Sure, you're on.

I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out.

Wax monkey's always open.

The Krelman opened up again.

What happened?

A bee died. Makes an opening. See? He's dead. Another dead one.

Deady. Deadified. Two more dead.

Dead from the neck up. Dead from the neck down. That's life!

Oh, this is so hard!

Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer,

humming, inspector number seven, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor,

mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I should... Barry?

Barry!

All right, we've got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine...

What happened to you? Where are you?

  • I'm going out.
  • Out? Out where?

  • Out there.

  • Oh, no!

I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life.

You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello?

Another call coming in.

If anyone's feeling brave, there's a Korean deli on 83rd

that gets their roses today.

Hey, guys.

  • Look at that.
  • Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday?

Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted.

It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up.

Really? Feeling lucky, are you?

Sign here, here. Just initial that.

  • Thank you.
  • OK.

You got a rain advisory today,

and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain.

So be careful. As always, watch your brooms,

hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears and bats.

Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us.

Murphy's in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada!

  • That's awful.
  • And a reminder for you rookies,

bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans!

All right, launch positions!

Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!

Black and yellow!

Hello!

You ready for this, hot shot?

Yeah. Yeah, bring it on.

Wind, check.

  • Antennae, check.
  • Nectar pack, check.

  • Wings, check.

  • Stinger, check.

Scared out of my shorts, check.

OK, ladies,

let's move it out!

Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers!

All of you, drain those flowers!

Wow! I'm out!

I can't believe I'm out!

So blue.

I feel so fast and free!

Box kite!

Wow!

Flowers!

This is Blue Leader. We have roses visual.

Bring it around 30 degrees and hold.

Roses!

30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around.

Stand to the side, kid. It's got a bit of a kick.

That is one nectar collector!

  • Ever see pollination up close?
  • No, sir.

I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there,

a pinch on that one. See that? It's a little bit of magic.

That's amazing. Why do we do that?

That's pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us.

Oool.

I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow. Oould be daisies. Don't we need those?

Oopy that visual.

Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move.

Say again? You're reporting a moving flower?

Affirmative.

That was on the line!

This is the coolest. What is it?

I don't know, but I'm loving this color.

It smells good. Not like a flower, but I like it.

Yeah, fuzzy.

Ohemical-y.

Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby.

My sweet lord of bees!

Oandy-brain, get off there!

Problem!

  • Guys!
  • This could be bad.

Affirmative.

Very close.

Gonna hurt.

Mama's little boy.

You are way out of position, rookie!

Ooming in at you like a missile!

Help me!

I don't think these are flowers.

  • Should we tell him?
  • I think he knows.

What is this?!

Match point!

You can start packing up, honey, because you're about to eat it!

Yowser!

Gross.

There's a bee in the car!

  • Do something!
  • I'm driving!

  • Hi, bee.

  • He's back here!

He's going to sting me!

Nobody move. If you don't move, he won't sting you. Freeze!

He blinked!

Spray him, Granny!

What are you doing?!

Wow... the tension level out here is unbelievable.

I gotta get home.

Oan't fly in rain.

Oan't fly in rain.

Oan't fly in rain.

Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down!

Ken, could you close the window please?

Ken, could you close the window please?

Oheck out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure.

You see? Folds out.

Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this.

What was that?

Maybe this time. This time. This time. This time! This time! This...

Drapes!

That is diabolical.

It's fantastic. It's got all my special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies.

What's number one? Star Wars?

Nah, I don't go for that...

...kind of stuff.

No wonder we shouldn't talk to them. They're out of their minds.

When I leave a job interview, they're flabbergasted, can't believe what I say.

There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out.

I don't remember the sun having a big 75 on it.

I predicted global warming.

I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me.

Wait! Stop! Bee!

Stand back. These are winter boots.

Wait!

Don't kill him!

You know I'm allergic to them! This thing could kill me!

Why does his life have less value than yours?

Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement?

I'm just saying all life has value. You don't know what he's capable of feeling.

My brochure!

There you go, little guy.

I'm not scared of him. It's an allergic thing.

Put that on your resume brochure.

My whole face could puff up.

Make it one of your special skills.

Knocking someone out is also a special skill.

Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks.

  • Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night?
  • Sure, Ken. You know, whatever.

  • You could put carob chips on there.

  • Bye.

  • Supposed to be less calories.

  • Bye.

I gotta say something.

She saved my life. I gotta say something.

All right, here it goes.

Nah.

What would I say?

I could really get in trouble.

It's a bee law. You're not supposed to talk to a human.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

I've got to.

Oh, I can't do it. Oome on!

No. Yes. No.

Do it. I can't.

How should I start it? "You like jazz?" No, that's no good.

Here she comes! Speak, you fool!

Hi!

I'm sorry.

  • You're talking.
  • Yes, I know.

You're talking!

I'm so sorry.

No, it's OK. It's fine. I know I'm dreaming.

But I don't recall going to bed.

Well, I'm sure this is very disconcerting.

This is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, you're a bee!

I am. And I'm not supposed to be doing this,

but they were all trying to kill me.

And if it wasn't for you...

I had to thank you. It's just how I was raised.

That was a little weird.

  • I'm talking with a bee.
  • Yeah.

I'm talking to a bee. And the bee is talking to me!

I just want to say I'm grateful. I'll leave now.

  • Wait! How did you learn to do that?
  • What?

The talking thing.

Same way you did, I guess. "Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up.

  • That's very funny.
  • Yeah.

Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry with what we have to deal with.

Anyway...

Oan I...

...get you something? - Like what?

I don't know. I mean... I don't know. Ooffee?

I don't want to put you out.

It's no trouble. It takes two minutes.

  • It's just coffee.
  • I hate to impose.

  • Don't be ridiculous!

  • Actually, I would love a cup.

Hey, you want rum cake?

  • I shouldn't.
  • Have some.

  • No, I can't.

  • Oome on!

I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms.

  • Where?
  • These stripes don't help.

You look great!

I don't know if you know anything about fashion.

Are you all right?

No.

He's making the tie in the cab as they're flying up Madison.

He finally gets there.

He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on.

And he says, "Watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan.

Why would I marry a watermelon?"

Is that a bee joke?

That's the kind of stuff we do.

Yeah, different.

So, what are you gonna do, Barry?

About work? I don't know.

I want to do my part for the hive, but I can't do it the way they want.

I know how you feel.

  • You do?
  • Sure.

My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist.

  • Really?
  • My only interest is flowers.

Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan.

Anyway, if you look...

There's my hive right there. See it?

You're in Sheep Meadow!

Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond!

No way! I know that area. I lost a toe ring there once.

  • Why do girls put rings on their toes?
  • Why not?

  • It's like putting a hat on your knee.

  • Maybe I'll try that.

  • You all right, ma'am?

  • Oh, yeah. Fine.

Just having two cups of coffee!

Anyway, this has been great. Thanks for the coffee.

Yeah, it's no trouble.

Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did, I'd be up the rest of my life.

Are you...?

Oan I take a piece of this with me?

Sure! Here, have a crumb.

  • Thanks!
  • Yeah.

All right. Well, then... I guess I'll see you around.

Or not.

OK, Barry.

And thank you so much again... for before.

Oh, that? That was nothing.

Well, not nothing, but... Anyway...

This can't possibly work.

He's all set to go. We may as well try it.

OK, Dave, pull the chute.

  • Sounds amazing.
  • It was amazing!

It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life.

Humans! I can't believe you were with humans!

Giant, scary humans! What were they like?

Huge and crazy. They talk crazy.

They eat crazy giant things. They drive crazy.

  • Do they try and kill you, like on TV?
  • Some of them. But some of them don't.

  • How'd you get back?

All adrenaline and then... and then ecstasy!

All right.

You think it was all a trap?

Of course. I'm sorry. I flew us right into this.

What were we thinking? Look at us. We're just a couple of bugs in this world.

What will the humans do to us if they win?

I don't know.

I hear they put the roaches in motels. That doesn't sound so bad.

Adam, they check in, but they don't check out!

Oh, my.

Oould you get a nurse to close that window?

  • Why?
  • The smoke.

Bees don't smoke.

Right. Bees don't smoke.

Bees don't smoke! But some bees are smoking.

That's it! That's our case!

It is? It's not over?

Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere.

Get back to the court and stall. Stall any way you can.

And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub.

Mr. Flayman.

Yes? Yes, Your Honor!

Where is the rest of your team?

Well, Your Honor, it's interesting.

Bees are trained to fly haphazardly,

and as a result, we don't make very good time.

I actually heard a funny story about...

Your Honor, haven't these ridiculous bugs

taken up enough of this court's valuable time?

How much longer will we allow these absurd shenanigans to go on?

They have presented no compelling evidence to support their charges

against my clients, who run legitimate businesses.

I move for a complete dismissal of this entire case!

Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going

to have to consider Mr. Montgomery's motion.

But you can't! We have a terrific case.

Where is your proof? Where is the evidence?

Show me the smoking gun!

Hold it, Your Honor! You want a smoking gun?

Here is your smoking gun.

What is that?

It's a bee smoker!

What, this? This harmless little contraption?

This couldn't hurt a fly, let alone a bee.

Look at what has happened

to bees who have never been asked, "Smoking or non?"

Is this what nature intended for us?

To be forcibly addicted to smoke machines

and man-made wooden slat work camps?

Living out our lives as honey slaves to the white man?

  • What are we gonna do?
  • He's playing the species card.

Ladies and gentlemen, please, free these bees!

Free the bees! Free the bees!

Free the bees!

Free the bees! Free the bees!

The court finds in favor of the bees!

Vanessa, we won!

I knew you could do it! High-five!

Sorry.

I'm OK! You know what this means?

All the honey will finally belong to the bees.

Now we won't have to work so hard all the time.

This is an unholy perversion of the balance of nature, Benson.

You'll regret this.

Barry, how much honey is out there?

All right. One at a time.

Barry, who are you wearing?

My sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants.

  • What if Montgomery's right?
  • What do you mean?

We've been living the bee way a long time, 27 million years.

Oongratulations on your victory. What will you demand as a settlement?

First, we'll demand a complete shutdown of all bee work camps.

Then we want back the honey that was ours to begin with,

every last drop.

We demand an end to the glorification of the bear as anything more

than a filthy, smelly, bad-breath stink machine.

We're all aware of what they do in the woods.

Wait for my signal.

Take him out.

He'll have nauseous for a few hours, then he'll be fine.

And we will no longer tolerate bee-negative nicknames...

But it's just a prance-about stage name!

...unnecessary inclusion of honey in bogus health products

and la-dee-da human tea-time snack garnishments.

Oan't breathe.

Bring it in, boys!

Hold it right there! Good.

Tap it.

Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups, and there's gallons more coming!

  • I think we need to shut down!
  • Shut down? We've never shut down.

Shut down honey production!

Stop making honey!

Turn your key, sir!

What do we do now?

Oannonball!

We're shutting honey production!

Mission abort.

Aborting pollination and nectar detail. Returning to base.

Adam, you wouldn't believe how much honey was out there.

Oh, yeah?

What's going on? Where is everybody?

  • Are they out celebrating?
  • They're home.

They don't know what to do. Laying out, sleeping in.

I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way to San Antonio with a cricket.

At least we got our honey back.

Sometimes I think, so what if humans liked our honey? Who wouldn't?

It's the greatest thing in the world! I was excited to be part of making it.

This was my new desk. This was my new job. I wanted to do it really well.

And now...

Now I can't.

I don't understand why they're not happy.

I thought their lives would be better!

They're doing nothing. It's amazing. Honey really changes people.

You don't have any idea what's going on, do you?

  • What did you want to show me?
  • This.

What happened here?

That is not the half of it.

Oh, no. Oh, my.

They're all wilting.

Doesn't look very good, does it?

No.

And whose fault do you think that is?

You know, I'm gonna guess bees.

Bees?

Specifically, me.

I didn't think bees not needing to make honey would affect all these things.

It's notjust flowers. Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees.

That's our whole SAT test right there.

Take away produce, that affects the entire animal kingdom.

And then, of course...

The human species?

So if there's no more pollination,

it could all just go south here, couldn't it?

I know this is also partly my fault.

How about a suicide pact?

How do we do it?

  • I'll sting you, you step on me.
  • Thatjust kills you twice.

Right, right.

Listen, Barry... sorry, but I gotta get going.

I had to open my mouth and talk.

Vanessa?

Vanessa? Why are you leaving? Where are you going?

To the final Tournament of Roses parade in Pasadena.

They've moved it to this weekend because all the flowers are dying.

It's the last chance I'll ever have to see it.

Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry. I never meant it to turn out like this.

I know. Me neither.

Tournament of Roses. Roses can't do sports.

Wait a minute. Roses. Roses?

Roses!

Vanessa!

Roses?!

Barry?

  • Roses are flowers!
  • Yes, they are.

Flowers, bees, pollen!

I know. That's why this is the last parade.

Maybe not. Oould you ask him to slow down?

Oould you slow down?

Barry!

OK, I made a huge mistake. This is a total disaster, all my fault.

Yes, it kind of is.

I've ruined the planet. I wanted to help you

with the flower shop. I've made it worse.

Actually, it's completely closed down.

I thought maybe you were remodeling.

But I have another idea, and it's greater than my previous ideas combined.

I don't want to hear it!

All right, they have the roses, the roses have the pollen.

I know every bee, plant and flower bud in this park.

All we gotta do is get what they've got back here with what we've got.

  • Bees.
  • Park.

  • Pollen!

  • Flowers.

  • Repollination!

  • Across the nation!

Tournament of Roses, Pasadena, Oalifornia.

They've got nothing but flowers, floats and cotton candy.

Security will be tight.

I have an idea.

Vanessa Bloome, FTD.

Official floral business. It's real.

Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch.

Thank you. It was a gift.

Once inside, we just pick the right float.

How about The Princess and the Pea?

I could be the princess, and you could be the pea!

Yes, I got it.

  • Where should I sit?
  • What are you?

  • I believe I'm the pea.

  • The pea?

It goes under the mattresses.

  • Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart.
  • I'm getting the marshal.

You do that! This whole parade is a fiasco!

Let's see what this baby'll do.

Hey, what are you doing?!

Then all we do is blend in with traffic...

...without arousing suspicion.

Once at the airport, there's no stopping us.

Stop! Security.

  • You and your insect pack your float?
  • Yes.

Has it been in your possession the entire time?

Would you remove your shoes?

  • Remove your stinger.
  • It's part of me.

I know. Just having some fun. Enjoy your flight.

Then if we're lucky, we'll have just enough pollen to do the job.

Oan you believe how lucky we are? We have just enough pollen to do the job!

I think this is gonna work.

It's got to work.

Attention, passengers, this is Oaptain Scott.

We have a bit of bad weather in New York.

It looks like we'll experience a couple hours delay.

Barry, these are cut flowers with no water. They'll never make it.

I gotta get up there and talk to them.

Be careful.

Oan I get help with the Sky Mall magazine?

I'd like to order the talking inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer.

Oaptain, I'm in a real situation.

  • What'd you say, Hal?
  • Nothing.

Bee!

Don't freak out! My entire species...

What are you doing?

  • Wait a minute! I'm an attorney!
  • Who's an attorney?

Don't move.

Oh, Barry.

Good afternoon, passengers. This is your captain.

Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B please report to the cockpit?

And please hurry!

What happened here?

There was a DustBuster, a toupee, a life raft exploded.

One's bald, one's in a boat, they're both unconscious!

  • Is that another bee joke?
  • No!

No one's flying the plane!

This is JFK control tower, Flight 356. What's your status?

This is Vanessa Bloome. I'm a florist from New York.

Where's the pilot?

He's unconscious, and so is the copilot.

Not good. Does anyone onboard have flight experience?

As a matter of fact, there is.

  • Who's that?
  • Barry Benson.

From the honey trial?! Oh, great.

Vanessa, this is nothing more than a big metal bee.

It's got giant wings, huge engines.

I can't fly a plane.

  • Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot?
  • Yes.

How hard could it be?

Wait, Barry! We're headed into some lightning.

This is Bob Bumble. We have some late-breaking news from JFK Airport,

where a suspenseful scene is developing.

Barry Benson, fresh from his legal victory...

That's Barry!

...is attempting to land a plane, loaded with people, flowers

and an incapacitated flight crew.

Flowers?!

We have a storm in the area and two individuals at the controls

with absolutely no flight experience.

Just a minute. There's a bee on that plane.

I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson and his no-account compadres.

They've done enough damage.

But isn't he your only hope?

Technically, a bee shouldn't be able to fly at all.

Their wings are too small...

Haven't we heard this a million times?

"The surface area of the wings and body mass make no sense."

  • Get this on the air!
  • Got it.

  • Stand by.

  • We're going live.

The way we work may be a mystery to you.

Making honey takes a lot of bees doing a lot of small jobs.

But let me tell you about a small job.

If you do it well, it makes a big difference.

More than we realized. To us, to everyone.

That's why I want to get bees back to working together.

That's the bee way! We're not made of Jell-O.

We get behind a fellow.

  • Black and yellow!
  • Hello!

Left, right, down, hover.

  • Hover?
  • Forget hover.

This isn't so hard. Beep-beep! Beep-beep!

Barry, what happened?!

Wait, I think we were on autopilot the whole time.

  • That may have been helping me.
  • And now we're not!

So it turns out I cannot fly a plane.

All of you, let's get behind this fellow! Move it out!

Move out!

Our only chance is if I do what I'd do, you copy me with the wings of the plane!

Don't have to yell.

I'm not yelling! We're in a lot of trouble.

It's very hard to concentrate with that panicky tone in your voice!

It's not a tone. I'm panicking!

I can't do this!

Vanessa, pull yourself together. You have to snap out of it!

You snap out of it.

You snap out of it.

  • You snap out of it!
  • You snap out of it!

  • You snap out of it!

  • You snap out of it!

  • You snap out of it!

  • You snap out of it!

  • Hold it!

  • Why? Oome on, it's my turn.

How is the plane flying?

I don't know.

Hello?

Benson, got any flowers for a happy occasion in there?

The Pollen Jocks!

They do get behind a fellow.

  • Black and yellow.
  • Hello.

All right, let's drop this tin can on the blacktop.

Where? I can't see anything. Oan you?

No, nothing. It's all cloudy.

Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry.

  • Thinking bee.
  • Thinking bee.

Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee!

Wait a minute. I think I'm feeling something.

  • What?
  • I don't know. It's strong, pulling me.

Like a 27-million-year-old instinct.

Bring the nose down.

Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee!

  • What in the world is on the tarmac?
  • Get some lights on that!

Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee!

  • Vanessa, aim for the flower.
  • OK.

Out the engines. We're going in on bee power. Ready, boys?

Affirmative!

Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it.

Land on that flower!

Ready? Full reverse!

Spin it around!

  • Not that flower! The other one!
  • Which one?

  • That flower.

  • I'm aiming at the flower!

That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt. I mean the giant pulsating flower

made of millions of bees!

Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up.

Rotate around it.

  • This is insane, Barry!
  • This's the only way I know how to fly.

Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane flying in an insect-like pattern?

Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid. Smell it. Full reverse!

Just drop it. Be a part of it.

Aim for the center!

Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman!

Oome on, already.

Barry, we did it! You taught me how to fly!

  • Yes. No high-five!
  • Right.

Barry, it worked! Did you see the giant flower?

What giant flower? Where? Of course I saw the flower! That was genius!

  • Thank you.
  • But we're not done yet.

Listen, everyone!

This runway is covered with the last pollen

from the last flowers available anywhere on Earth.

That means this is our last chance.

We're the only ones who make honey, pollinate flowers and dress like this.

If we're gonna survive as a species, this is our moment! What do you say?

Are we going to be bees, orjust Museum of Natural History keychains?

We're bees!

Keychain!

Then follow me! Except Keychain.

Hold on, Barry. Here.

You've earned this.

Yeah!

I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves.

Oh, yeah.

That's our Barry.

Mom! The bees are back!

If anybody needs to make a call, now's the time.

I got a feeling we'll be working late tonight!

Here's your change. Have a great afternoon! Oan I help who's next?

Would you like some honey with that? It is bee-approved. Don't forget these.

Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me. And I don't see a nickel!

Sometimes I just feel like a piece of meat!

I had no idea.

Barry, I'm sorry. Have you got a moment?

Would you excuse me? My mosquito associate will help you.

Sorry I'm late.

He's a lawyer too?

I was already a blood-sucking parasite. All I needed was a briefcase.

Have a great afternoon!

Barry, I just got this huge tulip order, and I can't get them anywhere.

No problem, Vannie. Just leave it to me.

You're a lifesaver, Barry. Oan I help who's next?

All right, scramble, jocks! It's time to fly.

Thank you, Barry!

That bee is living my life!

Let it go, Kenny.

  • When will this nightmare end?!
  • Let it all go.

  • Beautiful day to fly.

  • Sure is.

Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office.

You have got to start thinking bee, my friend.

  • Thinking bee!
  • Me?

Hold it. Let's just stop for a second. Hold it.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. Oan we stop here?

I'm not making a major life decision during a production number!

All right. Take ten, everybody. Wrap it up, guys.

I had virtually no rehearsal for that.

submitted by /u/totesnotacat to r/thanosdidnothingwrong
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Wrestling Observer Rewind ★ Aug. 23, 1999

San Antonio Sport News - Mon, 07/09/2018 - 09:59

Going through old issues of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter and posting highlights in my own words. For anyone interested, I highly recommend signing up for the actual site at f4wonline and checking out the full archives.

PREVIOUS YEARS ARCHIVE: 19911992199319941995199619971998

1-4-1999 1-11-1999 1-18-1999 1-25-1999 2-1-1999 2-8-1999 2-15-1999 2-22-1999 3-1-1999 3-8-1999 3-15-1999 3-22-1999 3-29-1999 4-5-1999 4-12-1999 4-19-1999 4-26-1999 5-3-1999 5-10-1999 5-17-1999 5-24-1999 5-31-1999 6-7-1999 6-14-1999 6-21-1999 6-28-1999 7-5-1999 7-12-1999 7-19-1999 7-26-1999 8-2-1999 8-9-1999 8-16-1999

So....imagine my surprise yesterday when listening to the Observer Live Q&A podcast and I hear someone ask Dave about Chris Adams' missing ring. Wreddit, we've gone too meta!

  • NJPW's G1 Climax is in the books and the company wisely used the opportunity to try to create a new star, with Manabu Nakanishi having the run of his life through the tournament and defeating IWGP champion Keiji Muto in the finals by submission to win the tournament in a huge, star-making upset. It's very similar to the way Masahiro Chono won the first ever G1 tournament back in 1991, which solidified Chono as a top star. They're hoping the same holds true for Nakanishi (nah, not really. He goes on to have a fairly successful career, but was never truly a top star).

  • There's a lot of talk about Steve Austin right now due to injuries he's dealing with and talk that he's starting to become difficult to work with. During a post-Raw dark match with Triple H, Austin suffered several injuries on a table bump gone wrong (badly bruised shin, torn TCL ligament in the back of his knee, and a deep cut on his chin, among others). Austin is expected to work Summerslam but may be out for a month or more after that, and the reason they added Mankind to the Summerslam match was to take some of the weight off of Austin because he's reportedly not anywhere close to ready for the match. Then again, Mankind is coming back pretty quickly after knee surgery so there's no telling how ready he's going to be either. The plan is for Austin to lose the title at Summerslam and then probably be phased out a little while he heals up. Ultimately, he's expected to win the title back at Rumble and face the Big Show at Wrestlemania, but Big Show has been a big disappointment since they brought him in, so that can and probably will change. But his contract is huge, so they have to keep pushing him as a top star to justify it.

  • As far as Austin being difficult to work with lately, there's some different stories there. Last week, it was mentioned that he refused to work with both Billy Gunn and Jeff Jarrett. As for Gunn, when Austin showed up to Raw the night after his first blood match with Undertaker, he was banged up and they wanted him to wrestle Gunn. But Austin didn't see any reason why he should face Gunn in a match on Raw with no storyline implications and no build. Basically, they just wanted Austin to have a match on TV for no reason. Austin said he'd be willing to work with Gunn in the future if it was properly built and there was a good storyline reason but he was hurting from the night before and didn't see a point in having a throwaway match with Gunn for no reason. As for Jarrett, that situation is different and is basically exactly what was reported last week: Austin doesn't feel Jarrett is in a position in the company where he should be fighting the champion, since he's basically a lower-card nobody and felt it would bring Austin down more than it would elevate Jarrett. Also, reportedly the 2 don't really get along for other reasons (stemming from Jarrett publicly criticizing Austin for doing the "3:16" Bible verse thing). In reality, most people don't really think Austin is difficult to work with. It's just these incidents happened at the same time, for different reasons, and from an outside perspective, it just sorta looked like Austin was being a cranky asshole. Most people in the locker room say that, while Austin is careful to watch his own back politically, he's the closest thing to a model employee the company has had in that high profile of a position and is well-liked and respected backstage by most everybody.

  • WCW Road Wild is in the books, and as always happens with this PPV in Sturgis, it was total shit. Nearly every match was bad, the crowd of non-wrestling fans sucked, the atmosphere sucked, and so on and so forth. Basically, it looked like a cheap indie show and of course, the company made no money off the event since it's free for everyone in Sturgis at the biker rally, meaning WCW left a good $200,000-300,000 dollars on the table in gate money which is a terrible decision for a company that is facing a massive decline in revenue already. The only excitement from the show happened in the dressing room before it aired, with Marcus Bagwell and Ernest Miller getting into a backstage fight over a disagreement to what the finish of their match would be. Bagwell was originally booked to lose but threw a fit complaining that he had been left laying on TV in the last few weeks and that he should go over. Nash changed the finish and then it turned into a whole thing. It escalated and Bagwell tried to slap Miller, which led to Miller landing 2 solid punches to Bagwell's face and then getting tied up on the ground by Miller until they were broken up. Bagwell's right elbow and forearm got scraped up in the fall (you can see it later during the match). The 2 have had heat for weeks, stemming from Bagwell doing a promo in blackface a few weeks back, which Miller felt was racist. They still went out and had their planned match and kept it professional in the ring, even though the match sucked (Bagwell won). The following night, Bagwell was punished by being kept off Nitro entirely.

  • Other notes from Road Wild: Chris Benoit vs. DDP was the only good match on the show, and DDP deserves credit as he worked hard to get Benoit over and ate a clean pin in the middle of the ring which most of the top stars would never do for Benoit. The announcers repeatedly tried to claim that Sid Vicious has a winning streak that rivals Goldberg's old streak and Dave doesn't know what they're smoking. For starters, almost every TV match Sid has had since he came back has ended in DQ and he's been losing nearly every match he's wrestled on house shows. With the internet becoming so popular, people aren't being fooled by that shit anymore. Dennis Rodman faced Randy Savage and, to show you how much Rodman's stock has fallen, WCW garnered almost no mainstream publicity for his match. Rodman's on-again-off-again ex-wife Carmen Electra was supposed to be there for the finish but I guess they're off again so Savage's girlfriend Gorgeous George did the spot instead. And Hogan beat Kevin Nash in a loser-must-retire match, which will almost certainly last for at least a week. As a funny note, on the WCW Hotline, Mark Madden was calling the match "Loser gets time off."

  • The last week has basically been WWF week on MTV, with the network airing a new WWF-related show for 5 days straight. The highlight was an episode called MTV True Life: I'm a Pro Wrestler and Dave thought it was fantastic and must-see. It mostly followed a couple of guys struggling through wrestling school, along with a former star struggling to make ends meet (Tony Atlas) and Triple H as the guy who has made it to the top. The tragic story of Tony Atlas pretty much stole the show. There were other shows that aired, like guys auditioning to be wrestlers, judged by Mick Foley. Wrestlers picking music videos. Austin interviewed. A karaoke show featuring Droz, D-Lo, and Godfather, and finally a Summerslam count-down show (I can't find the True Life thing, it looks like it's been wiped off the free internet, but I think it's on the MTV app if you have a login for that).

  • There's a rumor that made its way through the sports world this week, claiming that the NFL and/or ABC had offered Vince McMahon $100 million to move Raw to a different night other than Mondays, but that Vince turned it down. Dave says the story sounds ridiculous and as best he can tell, there's no truth to it at all. But it gained enough traction that it was reported on some sports shows (though they admitted that it was also just a rumor). Raw does huge numbers, but it's still significantly lower than most prime time shows. Undoubtedly the popularity of Raw has a negative impact on Monday Night Football, but it's not THAT big of a negative impact. So for now, Dave's pretty skeptical on this rumor unless he finds out otherwise.

  • Dory Funk is holding a training class with several wrestlers this week. One of them is a woman named Amy Dumas, who recently worked a few ECW shows as Danny Doring's valet. She's said to be a good worker and has trained with the Hardy Boyz.

  • ECW held their first TV taping for the new TNN show in Toledo last week and it was said to be a major letdown to those behind the scenes and morale in the locker room in general isn't great right now. Checks are no longer bouncing, which is good, but attendance is down and the last few shows haven't really reached the break even point in gate numbers. Part of the reason is that the advertising budget has been scaled back for most shows. Despite being a TNN taping and being heavily hyped, the Toledo show was heavily papered to fill the building.

  • Taz has re-signed with ECW. Taz's agent contacted both WWF and WCW and asked for a $450,000-per-year deal with a specified number of dates. WCW never even responded. WWF responded, saying no thanks and countered with a low-ball $200,000-per-year offer and that was basically where that ended. So he re-signed with ECW. He was making around $3,000 per week and may have gotten a slight raise but contrary to rumors, there was no big bidding war for Taz.

  • The latest on Ric Flair's back injury is that his doctor has told him to take a month or so off. In reality, Flair has often wrestled with injuries far more severe and could easily work through this if he wanted to, but WCW has killed his passion for wrestling so he's taking the time off. Over the past week, he's been talking again about retiring and didn't appear on any of the shows.

  • Randy Savage injured Evan Karagis with his elbow drop off the top rope, making that the 3rd person in the last few months that he has hurt with that move. Due to Savage's hip and knee problems, he's been landing with a lot more of his weight on his opponent's chest when doing the move, which is leading to guys getting hurt left and right.

  • Now that Kevin Nash has to "retire" after losing to Hogan, the plan is to bring him back in about 2 months along with Scott Hall, with the 2 of them reforming the Outsiders. The idea is basically to recreate the original angle, with both of them no longer employed by WCW, coming in to takeover the show like they did back in 1996.

  • There has been talk of bringing Bret Hart back as a heel, which Dave thinks would be just about the stupidest thing WCW could possibly do with him at this point, so it'll probably happen.

  • Notes from Nitro: Sid's undefeated streak at the start of the show was billed as 55-0 which, as already covered, is total bullshit. Then, by the end of the show, they were saying 59-0, seemingly not even realizing their own mistake. Tony Schiavone tried to get Harlem Heat over as the greatest tag team of all time. Dave says Booker T is pretty good but Stevie Ray makes the Dudley Boyz seem like Misawa and Kobashi. They showed another vignette for the debut of Berlyn and the announcers acted like it was a big mystery, seemingly forgetting that they already openly acknowledged last week that it's Alex Wright.

  • Prior to the Road Wild PPV, WCW had an angle on Jay Leno's Tonight Show where Rodman was on as a guest and Randy Savage showed up to attack him, which is just about the only mainstream coverage their match got.

WATCH: Randy Savage & Dennis Rodman on The Tonight Show

  • Rena Mero was on Larry King's show and it was like pulling teeth to get her to say anything interesting. She refused to say she was angry with the WWF and said her husband was retired from wrestling. She talked about getting movie and TV offers and said she'd be starring in a new TV series next year. She basically bent over backwards to avoid trashing the WWF because of the lawsuit settlement. Also, as a side note, in another recent interview, she admitted that she had talked with WCW about coming in as Hogan's manager, which shoots down the obvious bullshit claim that she simply showed up to Nitro and bought a ticket (which of course, no one believed in the first place). DDP and Goldberg also appeared on the Larry King show with Rena and all 3 talked about wrestling needing a union. Also, DDP claimed he would only wrestle for 2 more years and then retire. Dave thinks there must be a rule that every wrestler has to say that when they go on a talk show (can't find any footage of this).

  • Remember the lawsuit WCW filed against WWF over Wrestling With Shadows? Basically, in order to get the last bit of WWF footage they needed for the movie, the producers had to sign an agreement saying the movie would never air on any Turner channels. WCW filed a suit alleging restraint of trade. Anyway, the case was thrown out this week. Score one for WWF.

  • Nitro has relaxed its language standards a little, so they can now say "ass" on Nitro. Ooooh, naughty!

  • Random WCW notes: Psicosis may be getting unmasked soon. David Finlay had to get a second surgery on his leg following his injury awhile back. WCW is talking about bringing back Jim Neidhart. Swoll (Master P's bodyguard turned wrestler) was arrested for being months behind on child support.

  • A newspaper did a story on Randy Savage's girlfriend Gorgeous George, real name Stephanie Bellars. Savage and George were cooperating with the story at first, but then the reporters uncovered Bellars' past criminal history. At that point, she and Savage cut off contact with the reporter. Anyway, Bellars once spent time in jail as a teenager for burglary and slashing another girl's face with a beer bottle. She also has a 6-year-old son and used to work as a stripper prior to WCW.

  • Raven has made it very clear that he's unhappy in WCW. He trashed the company on a radio show recently and then went online later and said he'd rather be back in ECW. He still has 10 months on his WCW contract but says when it's up, he's gone (gonna be a lot sooner than that).

  • Davey Boy Smith officially signed a contract with WWF this week. He and his wife Diana also filmed a lengthy interview with Jim Ross that will probably air in segments on Raw during the next few weeks and is apparently a bit of a shoot interview that's expected to be controversial. There's been a rift in the Hart family over Smith's choosing to return to the WWF (we hear more about this in the coming weeks, but this interview never airs due to the Hart lawsuit. Still sitting in the WWE vault somewhere to this day, I imagine).

  • Shawn Michaels will be working as a TV sportscaster in San Antonio for KENS TV, covering high school sports.

WATCH: High school sports reporter Shawn Michaels

  • UPN is spending 40% of its total promotional budget to promote Smackdown. UPN is a struggling network and they're pretty much putting all their eggs in the WWF basket and counting on Smackdown to save the network from dying. There's been concern about wrestling being over-exposed, with the addition of Smackdown and with ECW on TNN. When asked about it, Vince McMahon responded, saying, "We're not wrestling. We've never been wrestling and we refuse to be placed in the wrestling category. That's Ted Turner's business and I guess it's the guy on TNN's business." Dave says there's no point wasting space to point out how ridiculous that statement is.

  • Jesse Ventura held a press conference in Minneapolis and was questioned about his wrestling involvement. At one point, Ventura said drug testing was unconstitutional without probable cause. Dave recalls Ventura telling him personally back in 1993 that 90% of the wrestlers making money in the business are on steroids and he was strongly advocating for drug testing back then, but hey, he's collecting checks from Vince again so you know how that goes.

WEDNESDAY: WWF Summerslam fallout, Eric Bischoff holds insane backstage meeting and offers to release anyone who wants out of their contract, Raven calls Bischoff's bluff and quits WCW, and more...

submitted by /u/daprice82 to r/SquaredCircle
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[OC] Comparing the Kawhi situation to the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Can You Spare a Dime?"

San Antonio Sport News - Sun, 07/08/2018 - 10:50

To start off, I know that /u/JustDiabetes did a mini-series like this a few years ago where he compared SpongeBob episodes to some NBA teams. That was one of the greatest things I’ve ever read on this subreddit. It was so good that I repeated the idea to myself four times, and added SpongeBob to the list of posts I want to make this summer.

For those who don’t know, I am a huge Jacksonville Jaguars fan. Last year was fun, winning the division for the first time since 1999 and making it all the way to the AFC Championship, but let’s be clear- for practically my entire life, this team was hot garbage, to the point where the season was over before the NBA season began, and the NFL Draft was the best night of the year. And, when you suffered through this when you’re not of a legal age, and when alcoholism isn’t an option, you find ways to get through it. One of those ways is self deprecation. So, I figured that I might as well try that here.

If you don’t know by now what’s going on with Kawhi Leonard, then you really should’ve upgraded from Internet Explorer by this point. It’s 2018. It’s a sad situation for Spurs fans, but there is something that makes me happy, and that’s a good episode of SpongeBob. It’s a show that I grew up with, and it still holds up extremely well to this day. I was watching SpongeBob the other day (I had Nickelodeon on because they revived Double Dare, and the revival is actually pretty good), and the “Can You Spare a Dime?” episode came on. In short, Squidward gets fired from his job, SpongeBob offers to help him out, Squidward takes advantage of him, and SpongeBob hits his breaking point.

While I was watching this great episode, I thought that there were some pretty striking parallels to the current Kawhi Leonard situation happening right now. In fact, I realized that this episode, except for the ending (because we have no idea how this saga will end), was almost identical to what’s happening. So, I decided to make this post to highlight that.

Before I start the post, if you have never seen this episode before, or want to watch it again, you can watch it for free on nick.com. All you need is to sign in with your cable provider. If you don’t have a cable provider, then I present to you this Lego reenactment of the episode. If you want the script of the episode, here it is. And, I will provide high quality visuals of the key points in the episode when they appear.

Now, we need to assign character roles.

Without further ado, let’s see how this episode compares to what actually happened.

The first scene is at the Krusty Krab, which for the purposes of this episode, is the Oracle Arena. The narrator says “closing time at the Krusty Krab.” For our purposes, it’s “closing time of the NBA season,” as there are just four three two one team left because we know Golden State is winning it all because there’s no unpredictability in today’s NBA. After some pointlessness, Squiward is fired for something he didn’t do, losing his job. This is very similar to what happened in game 1 of the 2017 Western Conference Finals, where Kawhi “lost his job” for something that he didn’t do. It’s not like Kawhi went down on his own or did something stupid in the offseason to get hurt; he got hurt because of Zaza. Mr. Krabs is Zaza Pachulia, ending a man’s career for the moment over something that was not the victim’s fault. This is the only time that Mr. Krabs appears in this story.

After Kawhi walks out of Oracle Arena unhappy, he is greeted by Gregg Popovich (SpongeBob).

Pop: “Kawhi, you’re making a big mistake.”

Kawhi: “Mistake? The only mistake I ever made was wasting my life trying to beat a superteam.”

Pop: “But superteams make the NBA happy! And what could be better than serving up smiles?”

(At this point in the episode, SpongeBob has a really big smile. I would PhotoShop Pop’s face onto this, except for two issues. Number one, I’m awful at PhotoShop. Number two, I’ve never seen Pop even remotely smile like that, so to do that would be unrealistic and unfaithful to this SpongeBob adaptation)

Kawhi: “Being dead, or anything else.”

After some more talking, Pop speaks to Kawhi:

Pop: “It’s a cold, cold world out there. No one’s gonna serve you happiness on a silver platter.”

Norma Rechid (Adam Silver) then walks past the two.

Silver: “Free title?” “Boogie!”

After the Warriors get handed another title, Pop continues his talk.

Pop: “Anyway, I just want you to know that if you ever get in trouble, come find me. The Spurs will take care of you.”

Kawhi promises that the next time he sees Pop, it’ll be as something better (as in, Kawhi will be better after his injury. To end the scene, Kawhi says to the world, “I am ready to unlock my potential.”

Unfortunately for Squidward, he is now living in a box. And unfortunately for Kawhi, he’s a bit of a wreck, as the injury has not healed as promised. Nobody knows where Kawhi is, until Pop randomly finds him hidden in a big city, much like Squidward is trying to hide from SpongeBob to avoid shame.

Pop: “Kawhi, is that you?”

Kawhi: “Uh, I, uh,”- this is very appropriate dialogue for both Squidward and Kawhi, as this mimics robotic language

Pop: “It’s me, Pop. We used to work together.”

Kawhi: “Pop?”

Pop: “There you go. So, where have you been living these days?”

Kawhi: “Uh, nowhere.” Again, this is very appropriate dialogue, seeing as nobody knows where Kawhi is aside from those random appearances he makes at Dodgers games

Pop tries to cheer him up, and is overly optimistic. However, Kawhi has to break the news to him that things are really bad.

Kawhi: “Don’t you get it, Pop? I’m a loser! I lost my quadriceps, my stats… everything!” For reference, here are Kawhi’s stats from the 2016/17 season, and here are his stats from the 2017/18 season

Pop:gasp Even your shoe deal?”

Kawhi:Nobody would take the shoes, so I had to eat them.”

Pop: “There, there. You can recover with me.”

The next shot shows Spongebob’s signature pineapple house, which is where the rest of this episode takes place (up until the ending). The pineapple house represents San Antonio. So far in the episode, much like you feel bad for Squidward and the situation he’s in, you feel bad for Kawhi and the fact that his injury is taking a while to recover from. However, much like SpongeBob, the Spurs want what’s best for their valuable friend. At nighttime, the two converse.

Pop: “Here you go, Kawhi. You can heal with our doctors.”

Kawhi: “Ok, but just until I can play again. One missed game, two missed games tops.”

Pop: “Nonsense, you recover as long as you need to.” SpongeBob then proceeds to kiss Squidward; I’m omitting that scene from this Kawhi/Pop reenactment for fairly obvious reasons.

The sun rises. It’s a new day.

Pop: “Season’s starting! You’re gonna need to build up your strength again, so I laid out a big recovery process for you.”

Kawhi: “And with the possibility of the supermax too? Aw, thanks Pop. Pop, I…”

Pop: “Ah ssshhh. Here comes the money.” Pop proceeds to spoon-feed Kawhi money

Kawhi: “It’s really nice of you to help me in my time of need.”

Pop: “It’s no trouble. Is there anything else I can do for you, winner?

Kawhi: “No, no, no. You’ve already done enough. Well…”

And at this moment, Squidward realizes that he can take advantage of SpongeBob. Much like at this moment, Kawhi realizes that he can start to take advantage of the Spurs.

A montage occurs. Oddly enough in this montage, there are shots of foot rubs, full on body massages, and acupuncture being performed. Perhaps this is similar to the physical therapy that Kawhi underwent when he was recovering.

Now, it’s nighttime. Pop has spent all day appeasing Kawhi, much like SpongeBob has spent all day appeasing Squidward. Pop talks to Tony Parker.

Pop: “Oh, wow. Nourishing a broken quadriceps is a lot of work. I’m bushed. Still, it feels nice to do good. Good night, Tony.”

From the upstairs, Kawhi yells.

Kawhi: “Pop, can I see another doctor?”

Pop lets him see another doctor. Kawhi thanks him. A few moments later, Kawhi yells again.

Kawhi: “Pop, can I miss another game?”

Pop lets him miss another game. Kawhi thanks him. A few moments later, Kawhi yells again.

Kawhi: “Pop, you forgot to put me on the injury report.”

Pop puts him on the injury report, and by this point, is exhausted. And right around this time, much like people start to turn on Squidward, people start to turn on Kawhi and wonder about the situation. However, others have their doubts.

Tony: “Meow.”

Pop:gasps Tony, Kawhi is not a freeloader, and he would never take advantage of me!”

THREE WEEKS LATER

Pop: “He’s just having a hard time getting his confidence back.”

MANY MONTHS LATER

Pop: “I’m sure he’s close to a breakthrough.”

SO MUCH LATER THAT THE OLD NARRATOR GOT TIRED OF WAITING, AND THEY HAD TO HIRE A NEW ONE

Tony: “Meow meow meow”

Pop: “I KNOW HE STILL HASN’T PLAYED A GAME. DON’T RUB IT IN.”

At this point, everyone has turned on Squidward, and everyone has turned on Kawhi. Lifelong Spurs fan Michelle Beadle called Kawhi “an obnoxious diva”. Despite the great churros in San Antonio, Charles Barkley is not happy. And, for the first time in 15 minutes, Stephen A. Smith is yelling about something. After feeling sorry for Kawhi, nobody does anymore (just like Squidward). And, the breaking point is about to be reached with this final scene.

Kawhi: “Pop, where’s my alkaline water?

Pop: “Coming, Kawhi.” (Pop goes from downstairs to upstairs. The rest of this scene takes place in SpongeBob’s bedroom, which for this scenario, is anywhere in the United States that you wish; nobody knows where he is or where everyone met)

Kawhi: “It’s about time you got here.”

Pop: “Here you go, your majesty.” (Pop hands Kawhi the alkaline water)

Kawhi: “I can’t drink this.”

Pop: “Why not?

Kawhi: “Are you blind? Just look at it.”

Pop: “What about it?” (zoom in on the drink being shown)

Kawhi: “That drink has a 3 pH in it. THAT’S A LOW NUMBER. I can’t drink anything low numbered.”

Pop: “Fine, I’ll just swap it out.”

Kawhi: “No, it’s already contaminated. It won’t work.”

Pop: “Mmm… that’s two things in this city that won’t work.”

Kawhi: “Then go fix them.”

Pop:Two things that WON’T WORK.”

Kawhi: “I’ve changed my mind. I want soup instead.”

Pop: “Ok. Don’t move.”

(Pop briefly leaves the room to get soup and comes back)

Pop: “Here you go. It’s alphabet soup! I made it special.”

Angered by this, Kawhi swats it out of Pop’s hands.

Kawhi: “Soup that’s not from Los Angeles? Disgusting. Now you’ve ruined my appetite. Go fetch me something to read.”

Pop: “Oh, ok. How about this?”

Kawhi:gasp Get that away from me. You know I’m allergic to fine print.”

Pop: “You know, when you swatted that collective bargaining agreement out of my hands, it reminded me of something a friend of mine did. At his JOB!”

Following this heated exchange, Kawhi demands to watch TV. This leads to one of my all-time favorite scenes in the history of SpongeBob.

TV Character 1: “Hey, where are you going?”

TV Character 2: “To my job!”

TV Character 1: “You have a job?”

TV Character 2: “Why wouldn’t I? I’m not some lazy inconsiderate jerk who lays in doctor’s beds all day.”

TV Character 1: “Say, where can I get one of these jobs?”

TV Character 2: “Oh, they’re everywhere. Especially if you’re tall and can shoot a basketball.”

TV Character 1: “Thanks. I’m gonna go look for one so I can stop MOOCHING OFF MY EMPLOYERS and they can get back to their lives.”

Frustrated by the fact that this TV show isn’t what Kawhi wanted, Kawhi lashes out in frustration.

Kawhi: “This isn’t my show. Pop, the remote control is broken! Get over here and fix it!”

Pop: “I’ve got a better idea! Why don’t I call someone whose job it is to fix it? You wanna know why? Because when I want a job done, I get someone with a job to do that job! “

Kawhi: “What are you saying?”

This is the point in the episode where SpongeBob snaps, and this is the point where the Spurs snap, as they officially start listening to offers.

I can’t finish the episode, because we don’t know how this saga is going to play out. In the episode, Mr. Krabs eventually realizes that Squidward did not steal his dime, and lets him have his job back. Everything goes back to normal. Maybe there’s a 0.00001% chance that happens here; Kawhi becomes happy as a Spur again, and everything returns to normalcy. Maybe Kawhi gets traded now, or leaves as a free agent, or goes Vince Carter on the Spurs. Who knows how this is going to play out. However, the beginnings of this drama are eerily similar to the beginnings of season 3, episode 7 from arguably the greatest kids cartoon of all-time.

TL;DR: We’re living in a real-life SpongeBob episode

I saved these links until the end so that they make more sense, but there are individual scenes of this episode up on YouTube. I’ve linked a few of them here (note that the fake TV show was already linked)

What could be better than serving up smiles?

Free sample?

Football playing king in space

Spare change?

Squidward is not a freeloader/so much later that the old narrator got tired of waiting, and they had to hire a new one

Alphabet soup

When I need a job done

submitted by /u/JaguarGator9 to r/nba
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25 [M4F] Atlanta - Sensibility vs. the Tinderization of Dating

San Antonio Sport News - Sat, 07/07/2018 - 14:57

White Unicorn: It’s been rebornded.

Star: That’s not a word.

There’s a good chance you’ve seen a post by this title, written by me, before. In fact, I last posted an iteration of it a couple of months ago (and reposted this one with minor changes a few times since its original posting in mid-June in hopes the right person will find it)! And I met someone! But that was relatively short-lived, with a calamitous ending. Enticed? Read on (wanna skip straight to spoilers? Paragraph 27)! Lesson learned: Don’t date someone who clearly isn’t over her ex. Actually, I think I’ve learned a lot in the past couple of months, regarding who I am and who I’m looking for. Let’s hope that manifests itself in an ability to write a more enlightened r4r post. I know that I’d certainly love for someone to get to know the real me, so I’ve got a lot to cover. Let’s get started!

“Writing is rewriting, you know.” – Eclipsa Butterfly

I’ve reused this post title a lot, for about six different written-from-scratch iterations of this post now (the last of those was 3131 words and never actually saw the light of day). And there’s a reason for that! For one thing, I really, really want you to know that I watch SvTFoE. It’s a great show, and you should watch it too! Aside from being a reference to that, there’s another reason behind the title. Tinder sucks. Dare I say it, Tinder ruined dating. OKCupid used to be okay. Then they decided to ape Tinder and turn it into a vapid swipe-left/swipe-right experience. Good job, you made me delete my (paying!) account and never look back. Needless to say, Tinderization, that is, making into a Tinder-like experience, is an epidemic. And much like the Black Death way back when, it’s threatening an extinction, only not of humankind, but of meaningful dating. Fuck that.

So here I am on r4r again. Reddit is my life anyway. I’m kind of ashamed to say it, but it’s more or less shaped my twenties. It’s how I wound up in Atlanta. It’s how I developed my taste in TV shows. Both of these two things, I suppose my ex was responsible for, but I met her here, so there’s that. It’s also helped me kill literal *months* of downtime at work. If there’s one community I identify with, y’all are it. So thanks for that. Also, yes, I believe “y’all” has a legitimate place in the English language. Agree? Disagree? Let’s talk about it!

I suppose this is the part where I tell my life’s story. It’s… Odd. I’ve made some questionable choices, which have led to what I am today. I’ll go so far as to say that I am the sum of my mistakes. Is it somewhat strange for me to wear that as a badge of honor? Perhaps. It does mean I’ve had a hell of a lot of experiences to learn from though. But I suppose it could be summed up in a quote by one Eclipsa Butterfly: “Well… I did what I had to for me.”

I was born in Lake Charles, Louisiana, on a day not too far off from Mardi Gras, which is conveniently my favorite holiday (it’s probably worthy of note that I go home for Mardi Gras every year, and my birthday does occasionally fall on it, although it will for the last time in my possible lifespan in 2021… yes, for the resourceful among you, I just revealed my birthday; I’ve long ago stopped caring about being doxxed; I have nothing to hide). Growing up, it was a pretty boring place (although they’re getting breweries, live music, food trucks, and other cool stuff now!), and my parents lived pretty far out of town. There were cows just behind our backyard, in fact. My dad frequently worked out of town (New Orleans when I was little, and Beaumont as I approached my teens), but for not having seen him that much, I find myself having modeled my life and goals heavily after his. This would become quite the tragedy later on.

Enter my preschool years. I don’t remember them very well, but apparently I had a crush on some girl with a habit of eating her nose droppings? Also, I apparently had a habit of reading my teacher’s college mythology textbooks. I suppose the big takeaway from my time in preschool is that I was weird (and still am, I suppose), and I read at a college level (no, I didn’t need to brag about this… feel free to post away on r/iamverysmart; do I at least get points for being self-aware of my pseudo-intellectualism? ;P). I think I also had bronchitis for a little while.

“All knowledge is good knowledge, I always say.” – Eclipsa Butterfly

Onward, to elementary school! I should mention at this point that from kindergarten to twelfth grade, I actually went to the same school. Talk about academic inbreeding. Unfortunately, it was a private Christian school. Which meant they taught religion instead of science. Also, sex ed was more or less, “Sex causes diseases. Don’t do it.” Also, there was some “Drugs are bad, m’kay?” in there too. And alcohol is bad too apparently, despite the fact that Jesus’ first miracle was turning water into wine at a party. Then what do you know, I leave that environment and learn real science, and find out that sex and drugs are great! Way to make sure that people’s future kids (good thing I don’t want any) are kept far, far away from religion. I don’t remember much of what I was up to in elementary school, aside from the fact that I had a longstanding crush on this one girl. She has kids now, so I think I dodged a bullet there. Also, I was known for talking my *ass* off back then. I think the reason I’m so shy nowadays is because I spoke most of my lifetime word quota (is there such a thing, and do the 6000 I’m writing now deduct from it? Shit…) when I was little…

Middle school? Middle school was pretty uneventful for me. More fake science. More religious indoctrination. More of the same. And this was before learning what heartbreak was, and by extension, depression. So yeah… this sorry excuse for a paragraph is all I have to say about my time in middle school. I don’t understand the horror stories others have from this era of their lives. It would make for a terrible story. Really.

Now high school is when my life really went to hell. For starters, I lost my dad just days before my fifteenth birthday. The person who more than anyone else has influenced me to be who I am today. The one who taught me to pursue knowledge. The one who taught me to always rise to a challenge. The one who taught me that I can accomplish anything if I work for it hard enough. The one who filled his brain with the History channel (back when it was actually about history) instead of mindless football (spoiler alert, I don’t get sports). I know I didn’t have him in my life all that much, since he always had to maintain two residences because of work, and even when he didn’t, he would work super-weird hours, but he was everything I always aspired to be. It helps that he wasn’t really all that religious, as compared to my overzealous mother. I think any time he participated was really just to placate my mom. Hell, he’d even fall asleep in church. I’m sad I never had the chance to talk to him after I came of age. Being robbed of that sucks. Realizing I’ll never amount to a fraction of what he did sucks even more. That being said, aside from my own, I’ve been able to learn from his mistakes too. More on that later, once I’ve told my story.

High school is also when I had my first experience with rejection. The funny thing? I brought it upon myself. I earned it via my own foolishness. The heartbreak itself isn’t my biggest regret. It’s that things *could* have been different. They *could* have been better. Yet here we are. It was a Wednesday morning, and I remember it distinctly, for reasons not least of which is that we had mandatory bullshit chapel services on Wednesdays. I was in the tenth grade. She was in the eighth. We’ll call her VB. I’m in the kitchen putting my lunchbox in the fridge. VB enters the room. She twirls about. “How do I look?” “Okay, I guess?” What I meant to say was that she looked stunning. But I didn’t have the courage to say it. When I finally gained that courage about a year later, it was too late. She was already spoken for. Most of my friends at the time were people from online forums, and suffice it to say angsty me was no favorite of theirs. Hell, they still give me shit over it to this day.

On the positive side, this school did teach spelling all the way through twelfth grade. Apparently, public school doesn’t do that. And that’s producing a generation that can’t fucking spell. Case in point: My younger brother and sister. My mom, concerned about this fact, once asked their teacher, “Why don’t you teach spelling?” That teacher’s response: “It’s not on the standardized test.” Mhmm. Standardized tests mean *fuck all* in life. More on that later. Oh, and I did go to “prom” for three out of four years of high school. It’s important to note that “prom” is in quotes. This is for many reasons. First and foremost is that there was no dancing. There was at the after-party, but I usually spent these hiding behind my phone in a corner (despite being boring as fuck as parties, I would always get invited to them because I’d known the girl that throws them for years). Obviously, I was cool with the whole “no dancing” thing. I only dance if I’m alone and drunk. I prefer not to make a spectacle of myself. Then there’s also the “three of four years” thing. I think “normal” schools only have those for senior year? My school had it for all four, I suppose because the classes were so tiny. The year I didn’t go? I didn’t have a “date.” Once again, “date” is quoted, because the girls I went with (fun fact: all of them are married now) were just friends. Still, going to prom with me was a rite of passage, because of my long history with the school and the fact that females outnumbered males by a fair bit in my age range at this school.

I would go on to graduate at the top of my class, but is that really an achievement when you graduate in a class of four? Given the small class size, each of us created a presentation featuring a photo collage set to music. I aptly chose Weird Al’s “White and Nerdy,” which sums me up unusually well. We even got a family friend to loan us their Segway for some photos. Unfortunately, the principal declared his hatred for “rap,” and banned use of the song. Consulting a longtime friend of mine who wouldn’t call himself a musician despite certainly deserving to, I chose “It’s My Life” by Bon Jovi, an interesting choice in and of itself, since it references Frank Sinatra’s “My Way,” which was my mom’s class song in high school.

After this, I went to college. After all, how could I not, after my late father’s decree that he would disown me if I didn’t? Due to financial concerns, I stayed in Lake Charles and went to McNeese. Of course, I majored in computer science, just as everyone knew I would since birth, more or less. I loved most of my CS classes, despite the lion’s share of them being review of material I already knew. What I hated? That I more or less wound up with a math degree afterward. I hate math. How many times have I used calculus after I graduated anyway? Zero. Exactly zero. Unless you count hearing a reference to Leibniz in Epic Rap Battles of History, and actually knowing who the fuck he is.

I’m sure you’ll notice at this point that I’m only really talking about academics. Most people partied it up in college. On account of living with my very religious mother, coupled with being almost dysfunctionally introverted, I had no such opportunities to speak of. In fact, before I turned 21, I’d only experienced alcohol twice. Due to having to drive her to Houston for medical treatment (she’s infamous for not driving anywhere near a large city, resulting in her paying close to $1000 for plane tickets to places she could’ve driven to and back for just over a tenth of that – and she says my spending habits are wasteful), I spent my 21st birthday with her. Fortunately, once she was unable to stop me, she sort of just passively watched as I enjoyed a delicious margarita at Bodega’s. If you’re ever in Houston, you really must try it. One thing I find Atlanta to be sorely lacking is decent margaritas. If you know a place, please do let me know. I haven’t had one in a couple of years. The ones at Guaco Joe’s are tolerable, but still a far cry from “good.”

So… at this point in my tale, I am 21 years old, and still have never been in anything even remotely approaching a relationship. Well, one day during my junior year, I discover r4r. I write a post. Damn… I’ve learned a lot since then. That post was an embarrassment compared to this one (which, in and of itself is probably pretty damn embarrassing – I apologize from the bottom of my heart for mistaking “long” for “good”). Yet someone responds! Let’s call her Nicole. She was 18 and just about to graduate from high school. She and her ex were still together, but she knew it was toward the end and didn’t want to place all her eggs in one basket. Call me a shitty person for knowing this and making my move anyway, and you’d probably be right. It did eventually pay off though. Twelve days after we spoke, they split up, and two days later, Nicole and I were together. By the way, she lived here in Atlanta. Now I wonder how I wound up here…

She lives with her overly-protective parents, who never let her go anywhere or do anything. But needless to say, I want to meet my new romantic interest. What do I do? I make plans to attend her graduation (and make my mom pay for it!). The good thing about my mom being fearful of driving on trips or in cities? If she wants to go on a vacation, she has to deal with my plans. That being said, a ten-hour, 700-mile drive is a far cry from the 300-mile, five-hour drive to San Antonio that was my longest before this point. It feels like nothing now, but at the time, I was asking *myself* “Are we there yet?” Regardless, I manage to spend about an hour with Nicole at her graduation rehearsal. We almost break up after that, which I managed to recover from. Anticlimactic, huh? The next day, I attempt to see her backstage at the graduation, but it’s swarming with cops, who don’t let me in. Fantastic. The closest I get is that we sit at a table near hers at the restaurant she goes to afterward. Do recall those overprotective parents of hers. They wouldn’t hear of her dating anyone, and to make matters worse, her dad had killed someone at some point. Not really the kind of guy I’d want to fuck with.

Regardless, I pledge to move here by the end of summer. That didn’t really pan out. It turns out that companies, especially out-of-town companies, have zero interest in hiring someone without a degree. We keep it mostly long-distance for awhile, with me driving in to visit every few months. As somewhat of an oddity, I had *insane* amounts of spending money in college, compared to what I have even now. I finally graduate, with an amazingly unimpressive 3.31 GPA.

At least I finally get a job though. 700 miles away from home. I should’ve known it was too good to be true – they lowballed me big-time, and I took it out of desperation. But it’s too late now – I made my deal with the devil, and I’m still in that same job, making a whopping $3k a year more than I did when I started. At least I got a nominal “promotion” that gave me a title change. Oh, and I can expense my phone now. Whatever. You’d think the company would realize they have a problem. It’s turned into a revolving door. The programming team counts 10. Four have left in the past year, specifically citing compensation. I too have mentioned it as an issue. We maybe have six programmers experienced enough to take on a major project without help, with me among them. I single-handedly deal with our biggest client, sacrificing my normal week-long vacations to make sure we can support them, since I haven’t had help dealing with them in half a year now. Any time they try to get me some help, that person quits. If I left the company, they’d be SOL. Yet, no raise. I suppose part of it is my own complacency. I leave super-early every day. I strut around like I own the place. I constantly act like I’m pissed off at everyone, and it’s a waste of time to have to deal with *anyone.* Any time I approach my boss, I’m visibly and audibly irate, and I just bitch and moan about people I have to pretend to tolerate. What do I get for being underpaid? I get to do whatever the fuck I want, and it’s kind of nice. I pride myself in being that guy nobody wants to have to deal with, but you do anyway if you want the job done right. Just like the guy who trained me in my current role and dealings with this client. Suffice it to say that I’ve taken up the mantle of his old role in more ways than one.

Back to my life outside work. I’m now 23. That long-distance relationship of almost three years? I see Nicole even less now than I did before I moved here, all thanks to her parents. I tell her something needs to be done. She needs to talk to her parents, or hell, I’ll even do it. She refuses to give her blessing for this. She’s scared. Understandably so, but I uprooted my life, *for her.* I took a leap of faith, *for her.* Can’t she do the same? So I did what I had to for me. I did what I promised I would never do. And to this day, I don’t regret it. It was necessary. And had I not, I’d be in a long-distance relationship of four and a half years now, despite doing everything possible to make it not so. I broke up with her. I probably did it in the shittiest possible way, too. It was in response to an “I love you.” But what would you do in that situation? Fake feelings that you know damn well that you don’t feel anymore, all to not ruin the moment? Which is really the shitty thing to do there?

Commence the next few weeks of my life, which were the only time that I would’ve described myself as “single and happy,” since in that moment, I was single by choice. Eventually, it gets pretty lonely though. I make a few posts on a now-nonexistent section of Craigslist, looking for a handful of oddly-specific things, that I’ll leave to the imagination for now. There is a time and a place for everything, and now is neither the time nor the place for that. I’m vacationing back home when I get a response to one of these. Let’s call this woman Michelle. She’s a couple of years older than Nicole, but the same height – 5’1”. I’m still weirded out that both of my formal relationships have been with members of that exact height. Oh, spoiler alert, I suppose.

Michelle and I meet up when I return home from my vacation, at a Golden Corral of all places. First date (although not really, since my intent for this was not a relationship), and she’s already back at my place. First sign that she’s trouble, I suppose. Unless this went forward as a hookup as planned. But nope. It isn’t so. We don’t see each other again for another month, but once we do, she promptly moves in with me. Way to go, me. Fantastic idea, allowing this. Someone I’ve met all of twice, moving in with me. Give it a few more weeks, and we have “the talk.” It feels like we’re a couple, yet we’re not? So we make it official.

God… I was so blind. Michelle and I had *nothing* in common. At all. She would watch Steven Universe with me, and I somehow allowed that to mislead me into thinking otherwise. She was redneck as *fuck* and had two kids. Considering the number of kids I find acceptable in my life is a hard zero (although fortunately, I never met them), I was clearly out of my mind. I was trying to forget my ex and a handful of r4r meetups gone wrong. Anyway, cut to three weeks later. She has me drive her to LaGrange to meet up with a couple of “gay friends” of hers. Big mistake. Per a mutual friend of ours (actually, one of her exes, but he’s pretty cool, and I’m still proud to call him a friend), “Gay friends? She doesn’t have any gay friends.” Oops… After working until 10 at night at a job site in Marietta, she texts me, asking her to bring the things she’s keeping at my place. I do so. As in, I drive to LaGrange, after midnight, then back here (I live somewhat east of Atlanta proper), with work the next day. I never hear from her again after that. That being said, I’m hanging out with the aforementioned friend and another friend at an uh… Let’s call it an “entertainment venue,” over on that side of things. We track her down to where we all suspect she’s staying. Yep, she’s back with an ex of hers. Suffice it to say, my pals and I were there to beat the shit out of him, but you don’t bring fists to a gun fight, and you guessed it… His parents had guns, so we did the only thing we could do and left quietly, despite my drunk ass being somewhat inclined to do otherwise. I got fucked over, unceremoniously and big-time. Let’s hope that never happens again…

My story continues about two months ago. I am now 25 years young/old. Pick one. I post something to r4r, that was yet another evolutionary stepping-stone to what you currently read (and if you’ve made it this far, thank you, you’ve clearly the patience of a damn saint!). I get a handful of replies. Most of the conversations that ensue were forced. I wanted something that didn’t exist, so I’d continue to partake in conversations that were of little to no interest to me, because it’s better than nothing, right? But one sticks out. Someone who’s just… Different.

Let’s call her Grace. Grace and I make plans to meet up at a favorite restaurant of mine. We decide on a place using a process intended to give both of us a voice, but being completely true to myself, I manage to rig the process to go to the exact place I wanted to attend (if you, dear reader, and I should wind up making plans to meet, here’s my approval for you to unilaterally pick a place… not saying that I don’t have *amazing* taste in restaurants though, despite the fact that I find those few and far between here). First date. Six hours. Two waiting for a table, two actually inside the restaurant, and two standing outside it talking. I’ve never successfully conversed with *anyone* on this level before. Six hours nonstop? It’s a form of connection I never knew existed! Sadly, little did I know that I formed too strong a bond with a person undeserving.

A week later, Grace and I meet at a venue far less glamorous – a fucking Wendy’s (her idea, not mine; c’mon… I’ve at least a modicum of class). Needless to say, we’re not there for six hours. That would be kinda lame. We return to my place afterward. After all, she’d expressed an interest in SvTFoE. We blow through season one in the next few hours, and she returns home (despite overall not being all that great, the first season does have its moments). After this, we see each other every couple of days from here until everything goes sour.

We were never formally together. But it sure as hell felt like it. She called it “friends with benefits.” I didn’t give a fuck what she called it; I felt like I was one with a kindred spirit, more than ever before. I had never felt anything like it. Then one day, something that I’ll describe only as a “bedroom snafu” happened. We probably could’ve gone forward, but honestly, the mood was ruined. We have an honest conversation, initially about stuff and things (translation: things I’d have to know someone way, way better to even casually mention). But then it takes a much darker turn: She reveals that she isn’t really over her ex. Grace leaves for work in the morning.

Given the unusual terms that she left on, two o’clock approaches. And given that the day in question was a Saturday, this is about when she would be leaving. But it turns out that at this particular moment, I’ve drunk a bit too much (SURPRISE! [to be read in Toffee’s voice]). I freak out, and say things that she doesn’t take well. We speak sparingly for the next couple of days, when she finally manages to get across that she needs her space, which I reluctantly agree to give to her after assuming she never wants to speak again, writing a 3131-word post that I planned to post here, and deleting it. Nearly two weeks pass. I decide to check up on her. I worried that the “spark” was lost, and we wouldn’t be able to hold a successful conversation anymore. Not to worry though, everything seemingly goes back to normal! Except, I slowly realize that she’s kind of gone off the deep end. As in, she’d may as well be speaking some foreign demon-language that I’m somehow vaguely managing to interpret. Cut to about 5:30 in the morning of the last time I speak to her. I prod her for an answer: What the fuck is going on? I fail to get any sleep in the next hour, which is when I need to get up for work. I arrive at work, and struggle to find anything to do. 9AM approaches anyway. “I guess I should tell you that I’m back with my ex.” Welp. Why the actual fuck did I not see that coming from a mile away? It’s almost like something that I hoped would never happen again… happened again. Should she be confronted with this story, she’d attempt to defend herself by claiming I haven’t *technically* been wronged. We were never in a relationship. And would she be *technically* correct? Absolutely. I won’t deny that. Do technicalities make it hurt any less? Of fucking course not. The heart cares little for what the mind is able to acknowledge. Did I probably quote or at least paraphrase somebody just now without realizing whom? Yeah, probably. Humanity has existed for a long-ass time. There is no such thing as an original thought anymore. Anything that pops into my head, or the head of anyone else currently alive, has appeared in the heads of humans past already. It’s one of a very few things of which I am 100% certain.

I suppose that’s my story as I wish to tell it right now, current right up to this moment. Unless you want to hear about my hellish day at work or my car trouble. No? I didn’t think so. Well then, who am I? I feel like I’ve said a whole lot of nothing with regard to that. I’ve told a story. A story that is completely true, with a lot of gory details that I’m likely oversharing. But you, dear reader, still don’t know shit about me. Seriously, describe me in a handful of words, right at this point. Lemme guess. “Some redditor with a fucked up life.” And you’re not wrong, but let’s make that a bit more three-dimensional, shall we?

Let’s start out with my shows. As you can guess, these are important to me. And also, they’re all cartoons. For the uninitiated, SvTFoE, one I’ve mentioned numerous times already, is Star vs. the Forces of Evil. It’s Daron Nefcy’s take on the “magical girl” genre. Imagine if Sailor Moon, Gravity Falls, and Steven Universe had a baby. You’d get SvTFoE. Of course, I’ve also seen Steven Universe. Hell, I thought that someone else claiming to have watched it meant that we were in love. TL;DR: The way to my heart is through cartoons. A few other favorites are Gravity Falls, BoJack Horseman, and Rick and Morty. Haven’t seen many/any of these? No problem! I’d love to introduce you to them! Now may be a good time to mention that I’m currently working as an AV programmer, so even with regard to the fact that I’m massively underpaid, watching TV at my place is an experience.

And what’s a kickass AV system if not paired with something good to drink? I always keep good beer stocked up. At the moment of original writing of this post, I’m drinking “I’m On a Boat” by Monday Night Brewing. I tried it at the reddit meetup back in June, and it’s changed my former opinion of Georgia being unable to produce a decent beer (okay fine; 420 is good, but also kind of a generic IPA). I also more or less stock a full bar, and I’ve never once received a complaint about my drinks. Being of Cajun heritage, knowing my booze is practically in my veins (I meant this figuratively, but it can probably also be taken in a literal sense)!

What else? I have a cat named Roxy. Being proudly childfree, I’m quite happy with being the father of a wonderful cat. Remember how I said I can learn from my dad’s mistakes? His mistake? Me. Or, to be more general… Kids. He was living the dream before the three of us came along. Convertible? Check. Yacht? Check. Personal plane? Check. Did I mention he was kind of a badass too? Yeah… He flew my great grandmother to the hospital after she suffered a detached retina. Then he got married, and the three of us came along. All of those nice things? Gone. I guess I was still a spoiled kid though. Disney World four times, along with assorted other vacations? Check. Who am I? I’m a spoiled, yet still solidly middle-class, kid who had to learn to take on the real world after losing my dad, I suppose.

Oh, you thought that was all? Nope! I love chess, but I’m not very good at it. I also like card games. Cards Against Humanity and Exploding Kittens are a couple of favorites. At the reddit meetup a little while back, I also discovered Codewords and Sleep in a Bucket. Also fantastic. Other random stuff. I’d consider myself a Libertarian, but I’m pretty open-minded politically, so if you have well-reasoned beliefs (really, anything beyond “that guy has a D/R next to his name; I’ll vote for him, and fuck the other guy!”), I’d love to talk about them! I love road trips and visiting different places. This is sadly something I haven’t done that much of for financial reasons, but it’s most decidedly my “happy place.” I love good food as well. Cajun cuisine is my favorite, but that’s hard to find about here (by the way, don’t let your first experience with alligator be Georgia alligator… it’s gross compared to the real Louisiana deal). I also delight in good Mexican and Italian food. Oh, and I fucking love Korean BBQ. If you haven’t yet tried Breakers, allow me to be the one to introduce you to it?

Also, upon my proofreading review of this, I realized that I never explained my hatred of standardized tests. This is where I would have spoken about that. I’ll also add that I’m really good at standardized tests. Possible conversation starter: Ask me to talk about standardized tests, and why I despise them.

I just realized, before I get to the “you” part of this, that I haven’t really described my physical appearance. I stand at six feet even. I’ve brown eyes, and brown, slightly long-ish (right now, about halfway down my neck?) hair for a guy. I’m also pretty damn white, but ever so slightly less white than usual on account of being outside for eight hours for the reddit meetup, I suppose. Edit: Now that it’s about a month past that, I’m back to my usual shade of white.

You’re still here?!? 5600 words, and not a goddamn peep about what I’m looking for, huh? Let’s fix that! Ask me a month ago what I’m looking for, and I wouldn’t have been able to put it into words. I think that’s been my biggest takeaway as of late. I’ve had a journey, I suppose. So, what have I learned in these 25 years, and this past month in particular, about what I aspire to find?

I suppose this one’s a given, based on the post title, but you should probably be female. My sexuality isn’t 100% straightforward (I can explain this in greater detail, someday, but I feel like it isn’t an ideal conversation starter?), but this is what I’m looking for. Also, it’s probably for the best that you’re at least 21. I feel like if we can’t have a drink together while we’re out on a date, that would just be… weird. Don’t get me wrong, I totally believe the drinking age should be lowered to 18, but this is the shit we have to deal with considering our current bullshit laws here in the US. Younger than that? Become a libertarian icon by successfully petitioning to lower the drinking age, and I’ll happily declare your age a non-issue! Random fact: This is up to the jurisdiction of the states, although the federal government blackmails them by threatening to withhold a small percentage of federal highway funding if they don’t comply with the age of 21. I feel like we should be the state that goes for it; our roads can’t get any worse.

Now that we’ve gotten biological factors out of the way, what else do I aspire to find? Given that it sank my last almost-relationship, I’d suggest that you not be in the process of getting over an ex (and I figured this should be a given, but it needs to be said due to some responses I’ve received, that you should be single). Let’s not waste my time or yours, shall we? I’d also add that it’s *strongly* recommended that you live near-ish to Atlanta. I’ve done the long-distance thing before, and it was hell. There’s nothing more satisfying than sharing a close physical proximity to a kindred spirit, and I long to have that experience.

On a bit of a tangent, yet an important one, what am I looking for, in the sense of what I’d like you to be? It may be obvious, but yes, I do seek someone who I might eventually call my girlfriend. But not *just* a girlfriend. I view the relationships in my life in a hierarchy, in which higher-ranking relationships are strict supersets of the others. Let’s for now omit family from that hierarchy. I’m not into incest. What I mean by this is that I’d also like said girlfriend to also be my best friend. Someone I can talk to about anything and everything. Even when that means I’d need to talk to you, in that role as “best friend,” about you, in that other role as “girlfriend.” How’s your day going? How about mine? What’s troubling you (even if the answer is “me”)? What’s troubling me (even if the answer if “you”)? Someone who it just feels natural, feels… right, being completely open and honest with.

Lighthearted bonus: Major plus if you pronounce “gif” correctly and have the correct opinion on the role of pineapple on pizza. Alternatively, some playful banter on either subject might be fun. ;)

In closing, what would I hope for you to be? Be *different.* To be blunt, if you’d describe yourself as “normal,” we’re probably not compatible. I mean, be real here. Do “normal” people write 6487-word posts in danger of running afoul of reddit’s character limits, then post them on r4r? I can’t say I understand the machinations of normal people all that well, but if I had to guess, probably not. Will a majority, or even a significant fraction, of people who click a link to this post read it all the way through? I can’t say I understand the machinations of a majority, or even a significant fraction, of people who click a link to this post all that well, but if I had to guess, probably not. With that being said, if you did, and even if you choose not to respond, thank you! Writing this has given me a unique perspective from which to reflect on my life, and whether or not it results in a meaningful encounter, I’ve at least gained that from it. Will any significant number of people who read this all the way through respond? I can’t say I… Nah, just fucking with ya’. I’m not going to do that again. ;)

“Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes…”

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