San Antonio Sport Activities
Looking to relocate from South Carolina (included with actual details such as budget, income, interests, etc)
Hi all - just want to preference this isn’t another generic thread about wanting to move without any information as to what I’m actually looking for.
Me and my wife currently live in Greenville, SC. I’m 27 and she’s 25. We have no kids and don’t plan on any soon. We have 3 Siberian Huskies (all of whom are accustomed to the heat and dripping humidity). My wife is a nurse and I work for a major US airline as a flight attendant. Combined our gross income is around $110,000. We have been wanting to relocate to a larger metro area with a larger airport, and Texas has always been a favorite of ours. We love good food, sports, and are very active in the outdoors (I.e. running, hiking, watersports, etc).
We would be looking to buy a home as we currently own our own home in Greenville. We are thinking our budget would be $250,000 on the max end. We would probably profit between 15-20k on our home here once we sell it. Due to the fact we want to own a home we realize it’ll probably be difficult to live in one of the major cities proper, but probably a suburban area. We do however prefer to be within close driving distance to major shopping, restaurants, etc wherever we end up and would prefer to be within 30 minutes of the major city. Access to trails or paths for running and walking our dogs would be a huge plus. We have no family in the area but friends in both the DFW and Austin areas.
We’ve researched places like Fort Worth, Lewisville, Pflugerville, and The Woodlands. I would love some honest feedback on places we might be missing out on! We did research San Antonio, but it just didn’t seem to be our vibe. One big thing to factor is my airline recently named Austin as a focus city and has major plans to continue expanding at the airport. It doesn’t mean we are hell bent on the Austin area, but it’s certainly a key factor. Thanks so much, y’all! Any help is greatly appreciated.submitted by /u/duckman25 to r/texas
It's a slow week of NBA news, so I hope you'll indulge me with some ridiculous hypotheticals to consider. This time: what if franchises changed their team names to honor their all-time greats?
The Atlanta Hawks franchise has had some big names pass through for a few seasons (Pete Maravich, Moses Malone), but by far their bedrock talents have been PF Bob Pettit (an 11-time All-Star) and SF Dominique Wilkins (a 9-time All-Star for them.)
Better yet, both Pettit and Wilkins come to the table with awesome nicknames in tow. According to basketball reference, Pettit was called both "Big Blue" and the "Bombardier from Baton Rogue." And of course, Wilkins is best known as "The Human Highlight Film" given his awesome dunking prowess. It's difficult to choose between them, but then again -- do we have to? If we call this team the Atlanta Destroyers, we can give a nod to Pettit's bombardier nickname as well as Wilkins' rim-shattering highlights.
The Boston Celtics have far too many superstars and Hall of Famers to parse through or even list, but two stand out as the clear best in franchise history. Bill Russell and Larry Bird.
With Larry Bird, we have an obvious nickname option in his name itself. But is the "Boston Birds" dramatic enough? Lustrous enough? Not quite. So how about we give a nod to his other nickname (Larry Legend) and go with the Boston Legends. It's a tip of the cap to Bird himself, but also an acknowledgment about all the other historically great players that have passed through town.
We move from a franchise chocked full o' greats to a team that could use a few more (and may have found them this summer.) Based on longevity and team records, PF Buck Williams has an argument to make as the greatest Net. Based on peak performance, "Dr. J." Julius Erving has an argument (leading them to 2 ABA titles) but only played for them for 3 seasons. PG Jason Kidd may be a good compromise candidate; he led the team to 2 Finals appearances over the span of his 6.5 years with the club.
The "Brooklyn Kidds" doesn't sound terribly exciting for our PR department (especially with such a direct tie to a domestic abuser), so how about we go with the Brooklyn Raiders instead. Where does that come from? Well, Captain William Kidd was a famous pirate, and pirates can be called Raiders. Moreover, it ties to N.Y.C.'s corporate raiders. Is this our best nickname? No. But hey, there are 30 franchises here; they're not all going to be winners.
Now we're upping the degree of difficulty even further, especially if we're only considering the Charlotte Hornets (first the Charlotte Bobcats) as the expansion club version. If that's the case, then we can't include Alonzo "Zo" Mourning, Glen Rice, or "Grandmama" Larry Johnson.
If we're limiting ourselves in that regard, Kemba Walker becomes the obvious best player in franchise history. The "Charlotte Walkers" makes some sense, but doesn't exactly jump out as a fearsome basketball name. How about the Charlotte White Walkers instead? Like the Toronto Raptors, we're capitalizing on modern pop culture. We're also giving a nod to Kemba, while solemnly acknowledging the franchise's tendency to draft white NCAA stars.
After a couple of clunkers, we need to get back on track. And fortunately, there's no debate about the best player in Chicago Bulls history: Michael Jordan. Instead, the only question is how to pick the best team name to acknowledge his greatness. It doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, but Chicago Air does honor Jordan, and has some relevance with the "Windy City" and one of the world's busiest/worst airports as well. If you'd like to draw Scottie Pippen into the fold as well, "Chicago Wings" checks those boxes as well.
As with Michael Jordan and the Chicago Bulls, we don't need to waste a lot of time debating this one. Not only is LeBron James one of the best ever, he has a nickname that would fit the city well. Cleveland Kings. Done. Moving on.
PF Dirk Nowitzki is certainly the best player in franchise history, armed with an MVP and NBA title to show for it (along with an amazing 20+ years of service.) The only trouble here is coming up with a nickname that honors Nowitzki but avoids any potential "problematic" associations to German history along with it.
Perhaps if we skip prior to WWII and call this team the Dallas Kaisers (which refers to the Holy Roman Empire, not the bakery item) then we can accomplish both tasks. I also considered the "Dallas Points," as a nod to Dirk Nowitzki's scoring ability, as well as the Pickelhaube ("points"/ spikes) on old German soldier helmets. Unfortunately, that's so obscure that it ends up sounding too basic in turn.
Modern NBA fans would acknowledge that Carmelo Anthony was a legitimately great player for Denver in his day, but this franchise has a few superstars to include in the discussion as well. PF Alex English made 8 All-Star teams for them, and SF David Thompson made 4 himself.
English and Thompson also have two of the coolest nicknames on the board as well: with "The Blade" (for English) and "Skywalker" (for Thompson.) It's hard to pick one over the other, so let's combine forces here. The Denver Skyblades has a ring to it. Carmelo Anthony probably deserves to be included somehow, which is a drawback with the dual-hybrid name here.
PG Isiah "Zeke" Thomas was the head of the snake of the great "Bad Boys" teams, but then again, "Bad Boys" isn't a bad name on its own. Let's honor Thomas and his teammates (like Joe Dumars and Bill Laimbeer) and make this official. The Detroit Bad Boys.
GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS
There's no recency bias here: the recent Golden State Warriors may be one of the greatest teams of all-time. Kevin Durant took them to a whole new level, but Steph Curry and Klay Thompson truly formed the nucleus of the original team. Curry in particular will be remember as an icon of his era.
Given that, we can go with the "Splash Brothers," but we can also simplify and go with the Golden State Splash. With that, we also give a nod to some great shooters in their history, including SF Rick Barry and SG Chris Mullin. The only drawback here is that we fail to acknowledge that Wilt Chamberlain spent 6 years with the organization (prior to their move) during a particularly dominant scoring stretch.
Hakeem Olajuwon stands out as the best Houston Rocket of all-time, and also offers a good nickname to go along with him. Can we call this team the “Houston Dreams” and call it a day?
Not so fast. If there’s a way, I’d love to include some of the other superstar bigs that have passed through town. Moses Malone and Elvin Hayes played for the team for a stretch, and Yao Ming’s global impact can’t be understated.
Perhaps we can go back to Hakeem Olajuwon’s early career for inspiration. Originally, he was drafted to join Ralph Sampson, forming the original "Twin Towers." If we call this club the Houston Towers, we’d be honoring Olajuwon, Sampson, and Yao Ming all together in a way.
Although SG Reggie Miller never led the Indiana Pacers to an actual title, he came about as close as you could possibly hope, and even helped the Pacers push Michael Jordan's Bulls to the limit in 1998. That team wasn't a one-man band by any means, but Miller was still the face of the franchise for that era. Given that, we can call this team the Indiana Sharpshooters. That acknowledges Miller specifically, but also hits at some other great wings for the team, including Paul George and Danny Granger.
LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS
Steve Balmer and Doc Rivers hope the best is yet to come for the Los Angeles Clippers now that they'll have Kawhi Leonard and Paul George at center stage. But as is...? There's not a lot of winning history here. Dating back to their start as the Buffalo Braves in 1970, the franchise has only made the playoffs 14 times, and never gone as far as the Conference Finals.
Considering that limited history of success, the recent "Lob City" era represents a high water mark. While people look back at the marriage of Chris Paul and Blake Griffin as a little disappointing in hindsight, it still brought the team 6 of those 14 playoff trips on their own. So how do we make that fit? “Los Angeles Lobbers”? “Los Angeles Lob City Folk?” These are shitty nicknames all around, so let’s take some creative license on the “Lobs” and amend to Los Angeles Lobos, which means "wolves" in Spanish (fitting with the L.A. population.)
LOS ANGELES LAKERS
Like the Boston Celtics, the Minneapolis/Los Angeles Lakers have too many superstars to list off. Still, here are a few: George Mikan, "Mr. Inside" Elgin Baylor, "the Logo" Jerry West aka "Mr. Clutch", "Big Game" James Worthy, Shaquille O'Neal and Kobe "the Black Mamba" Bryant.
Still, among them all, Earvin "Magic" Johnson still feels like the face of the franchise (even despite recent events.) He personified the star quality and playing style that's become synonymous with the team. In fact, I'd say the Los Angeles Magic feel appropriate as a nickname. If you want to be extra cheesy, you can even go "Hollywood Magic" as a new team name. I also debated "Los Angeles Show/Showstoppers" as a nod to the Showtime era and the general media-circus the franchise provides.
While the Memphis Grizzlies may be a (relatively) young franchise, they've had some colorful personalities and good players pass through. Pau Gasol was one of their first stars, and brother Marc Gasol may be the franchise's best overall. Given that, we can make this team name Gasol-centric with something like the "Memphis Osos" ("Bears" in Spanish.)
Still, the Grizzlies have been more than the Gasols alone, and it seems an oversight to acknowledge them and not players like Mike Conley, Tony Allen, and Zach Randolph from that same "Grit and Grind" era. "Grit and Grind" may be a mouthful on its own, but the Memphis Grind makes sense.
With all due respect to good and rugged teams that starred Tim Hardaway and Alonzo Mourning, Dwyane Wade has clearly been the franchise's best player. Not only did he have individual success, his career spanned an early title with Shaquille O'Neal and two more with LeBron James and Chris Bosh and the "Heatles." "Heatles" is lame, of course, so let's focus on the Wade of it all and call this group the Miami Flash. It's a close cousin to "Heat," and fits well with the actual city itself.
Current Milwaukee Bucks fans should hope that reigning MVP Giannis Antetounmpko continues to improve and improve and eventually lead the franchise to another title. However, as is, you would say that young Kareem Abdul-Jabbar made a bigger impact. As a rookie, he led the team to a 29-win improvement (going from 27-55 to 56-26). He'd soon win MVP, and win the NBA title along with new teammate Oscar Robertson. While Abdul-Jabbar only stayed in Milwaukee for a handful of years, his dominance during that streak can't be rivaled.
Still, we'd like to open the door for Giannis to eventually beat out Abdul-Jabbar, if only for longevity purposes alone. As a way to include both, we can call this team the Milwaukee Titans. Abdul-Jabbar was a giant among men, while "Titans" comes from Greek mythology (as the gods who ruled the world prior to Zeus and the Olympians.)
As a franchise, the Minnesota Timberwolves had not enjoyed a ton of success, but the little they have has been almost exclusively due to PF Kevin Garnett. In their 31 years, they've made the playoffs only 9 times, and 8 of those came during the KG era. He's clearly the man to name this franchise around.
But how? Garnett was known first as "The Kid," "The Franchise," and "The Big Ticket," neither of which jump out to you as great nicknames for an entire team. Instead, we may have to make up one of our own. As a player, Garnett was best known for packing jolts of electricity into a wiry frame, so calling this team the Minnesota Volts honors that type of juice.
NEW ORLEANS PELICANS
As a franchise, the New Orleans Hornets/Pelicans have had brief moments of star power, with both Baron Davis and Anthony Davis providing excellence for stretches at a time. However, the high water mark for the franchise is still probably the nucleus of Chris Paul (and David West), who led the team to the Conference Semifinals. CP3 only stayed with the franchise for 6 seasons, but as of now, he still represents the best player in their history.
While he may be hated on now, Chris Paul was a legitimately great player in his prime. Offensively, he was a field general in complete control of his troops. Defensively, he was a pesky and irritating defender. In fact, he'd irritate opponents and teammates alike. Inspired by that, let's go with the New Orleans Gnats, which flows off the tongue more than the spelling may indicate.
NEW YORK KNICKS
Historically, the New York Knicks have had some larger-than-life characters, including Walt "Clyde" Frazier and Earl "the Pearl" Monroe. We could even go with "New York Pearls" and call it a day.
Still, it feels like an oversight not to include C Patrick Ewing in this process somehow. While Ewing never led the team to a title, he's (by far) the overall team leader in points and rebounds, a testament to his long and stellar career. To bring him into the fold, let's go with the New York Captains. "Captain" was the nickname of Willis Reed, and can also apply to Ewing in a roundabout way; Ewing is from Jamaica, home to Captain Morgan. Is that a stretch? Sure. But it sounds better than the "New York Frozen Envelopes."
OKLAHOMA CITY THUNDER
If we include the Oklahoma City's history with Seattle, then there are a lot of great options to choose from here. The Sonics enjoyed the talents of PF Jack Sikma, PG Gary Payton ("the Glove"), and SG Ray Allen.
After moving over to OKC, the Thunder have also had some transcendent talents pass through, including MVPs Russell Westbrook, James Harden (MVP in HOU), and Kevin Durant. And while he may still be vilified in the city (insert your "snek" jokes here), it's hard to argue that Kevin Durant may be the best among all these names at his peak. He may have been overshadowed by LeBron James for the majority of his career, but he's been a top 3 player for nearly a decade now, and may have usurped the # 1 spot if not for the recent injury (albeit in Golden State.)
Combining all these elements together, I'll go with the nickname the Oklahoma City Spiders. It acknowledges "the Durantula" Kevin Durant, but can also be seen as a nod to the sticky-handed defense of Gary Payton as well. For his career, Payton finished in the top 10 in steals in nine separate seasons, peaking with 2.9 in '95-96.
As transcendent young big men who led their team to the Finals, both Shaquille O'Neal and Dwight Howard can make a case for being the franchise's best ever. They also clashed over the same nickname -- "Superman." Out of respect to both, let's have them share that with the Orlando Supermen. This ignores Anfernee "Penny" Hardaway and some great Tracy McGrady years, but their runs didn't reach the highs of those two MVP candidates.
Throughout their history, the Philadelphia 76ers have had an assorted collection of colorful superstars, all with unique games and nicknames alike. Wilt "the Stilt" Chamberlain (also known as the "Big Dipper") dominated the paint for a few seasons with the team. Moses Malone ("the Chairman of the Boards") also had a stretch of dominance. Charles Barkley ("Sir Charles," "Round Mound of Rebound") was a great player and a great personality who has said he was actually better in Philly than he was in Phoenix.
In terms of great players who also became cultural icons, two more jump to mind. "Dr. J" Julius Erving reinvented the game itself and set the stage for Michael Jordan. Allen Iverson ("the Answer") was a cultural icon in a different way, establishing himself as the face of the anti-establishment street culture of the 90s/00s. All in all, it's hard to pick and chose between icons like this, so how about we give a nod to all and go with the Philadelphia Icons instead?
The Phoenix Suns have some obvious candidates, including PF Tom Chambers, PF Charles Barkley (who led the team to the Finals), and PG Steve Nash (who almost led the team to the Finals.)
While Nash's "7 Seconds or Less" teams ultimately did fall short, we can't ignore their impact on the NBA and the game as a whole. Mike D'Antoni's pace and space, international-style wasn't wholly new (Don Nelson and others did a version of that before), but did help push the ball forward in regards to evolving and modernizing the sport. Given that, we could go with "Phoenix Pacers" (since Indiana lost the naming rights in our re-shuffle) but we'll take it one step further and go with the Phoenix Racers to emphasis the (then-unique) speed and style of play.
PORTLAND TRAIL BLAZERS
Current PG Damian Lillard is on a hell of a run, and may threaten to take the mantle of the best Blazer of all-time at some point. However, until then, he probably ranks behind other greats like PG Terry Porter (based on longevity) and C Bill Walton (based on the fact that he led them to a title in 1977.)
If we wanted to find a player who fits the best of both worlds, SG Clyde Drexler fits the bill. He's the clear leader in points and wins shares, and made 8 All-Star games prior to a late stint with the Houston Rockets. He also comes with an easy nickname to include, as we can call this club the Portland Gliders (after Clyde "the Glide.") While Drexler never won a title with Portland, he did help them make two separate Finals appearances.
While the current Sacramento Kings don't get much publicity, their franchise has a long history that dates back to the 1950s when they were known as the "Rochester Royals" (and then moved to Cincinnati, to Kansas City, and finally Sacramento.) Through that time, the best player in franchise history is probably Oscar Robertson, who spent 10 seasons with Cincinnati before eventually moving to Milwaukee. Although Robertson didn't win a title with the team (their lone championship came in 1951), he did put up absurd stats, including a 30-10-10 year in 1961-62.
In an ideal world, it'd be great to bring in a mention of the Kings' great 2000s teams as well, since they nearly won a title if not for Shaq and Kobe and some referees. Calling them the "Sacramento Triples" alludes to Robertson's triple-doubles as well as the shooting prowess of SF Peja Stojakovic. Alternatively, calling them the "Sacramento Playmakers" would honor the Big O as well as Chris Webber (who was a ball mover in his own right who nearly averaged 25-10-5 in his prime.)
Again, let's try to bring all these elements into the fold, albeit with a nuanced name. The Sacramento Trebles. What does that mean, exactly? Well, as an adjective "treble" means threefold (hitting our triple-double and three-point idea). In terms of music, it refers to harmonization, which also honors those Webber/Peja Rick Adelman teams, which were some of the most skilled passing teams in NBA history.
SAN ANTONIO SPURS
The San Antonio Spurs had some success with scoring phenom George Gervin, but have clearly taken that to new heights with David Robinson and then Tim Duncan throughout the entire Gregg Popovich era. If you had to rank their impact on the franchise, you'd go with Duncan first, Robinson second, and Gervin third.
Unfortunately, the coolness of their nicknames may be reversed. George was the "Iceman," David Robinson "the Admiral," and Tim Duncan either "the Big Fundamental" or "Groundhog Day." It's hard to imagine kids lining up to buy "Fundamentals" jerseys. Perhaps we can give the nod to the San Antonio Icemen, with an acknowledgment that it also applies to Tim Duncan, because he was always cool and collected on the court.
This one may be another tough debate, for different reasons. Kawhi Leonard just led the team to their first title, but "The Claw" exited the stage without an encore. Other stars include PF Chris Bosh as well as BFFs Kyle Lowry and DeMar DeRozan.
And overall, perhaps no Toronto Raptor is more iconic than SG Vince Carter. While his own exit wasn't a pretty one, he did establish the Raptors and perhaps kept the team afloat during a time when the Vancouver Grizzlies left the country. He also has some bad-ass nicknames, including "Vinsanity," "Air Canada", and "Half Man / Half Amazing."
Let's jump on that last one, and call this team the Toronto Hybrids. Not only does it refer to half-man half-amazing, it folds in Kawhi (half-man, half-clawed beast), Chris Bosh (half-man, half-brontosaurus) and Kyle Lowry (half-man, half-butt.)
There's no doubt that the best battery in Utah history would be PG John Stockton and PF Karl Malone. It's hard to distinguish the greatest among them, and may depend on your own perspective. But again, do we have to make a Sophie's Choice here? Karl Malone has the nickname the "Mailman," while Stockton is the all-time leader in assists (aka deliveries.) The Utah Express acknowledges both at once, although perhaps connotes a faster playing style than they actually employed.
Both PG John Wall and SG Bradley Beal are great players, and scoring superstar Gilbert Arenas was arguably even better than both during his heyday. However, if we're talking overall impact on the franchise, it's hard for us to pass C Wes Unseld, who powered the team to an NBA title as a rookie. Unseld also stayed with the franchise for a while, serving as a coach and later GM. Given all that he's poured into the franchise, he appears to be our clear candidate for naming rights.
As a player, Unseld's game wasn't built around the spectacular play, but rather the effort plays. Rebounding (as high as 18 per game), picks, outlet passes. Given that, it's hard to acknowledge a cool and fun nickname that fits. "Washington Rebounders"? "Washington Boards"? "Washington Picks"? How about we go for Washington Executives, as a nod to Unseld's front office work, as well as a slight nod to Arenas' own "Agent Zero" nickname. It also fits the city and the executive office. And I'll keep trying to go on and on until I can stumble on a connection that makes this particular pick more exciting. So far... no luck.
But alas, we're going to have to end on that low note there. Feel free to offer your own suggestions for the Wizards or any other franchise below; I'll try to revise mine if you can improve upon them.submitted by /u/ZandrickEllison to r/NBAMockTourney
Welcome to The Standings Game!
The Standings Game is something I plan on putting together every week for this subreddit so we can keep track of our race to a playoff berth. It is essentially a list of the most ideal results for all USL games (with respect to Colorado Springs's position in the standings) on a given week. I will only assign ideal outcomes to games that affect the Western Conference standings.
I will also make a note of which games are most important to our current situation in the standings. These will mostly be intra-conference games, however, they can also include games where a team is threatening to remove us from a playoff position, or games with a significant statistical impact on Colorado Springs's playoff chances.
At the end of each week's schedule, I will update the list with the actual results, as well as indicate how the game affected our statistical probability of making the playoffs. Games that have an insignificant or near-zero effect on our standings will be denoted with a +/-0.0% value. Games regarding teams that have already clinched a playoff berth or been statistically eliminated will not be listed unless their opponent is of relevance to Colorado Springs's standings.
Please note that there might be some numbers that don't quite make sense or percentages that may change in the middle of an evening of games. I'll do my best to update and explain these, but if anything seems off or confusing, feel free to ask!
Note: all ideal results are assumed to be regulation victories unless otherwise noted.
Ideal Results for Friday, August 23rd, 2019Matchup Ideal Result Importance Actual Result Playoff % Effect Sacramento Republic FC @ Phoenix Rising FC N/A None TBD TBD%
Ideal Results for Saturday, August 24th, 2019Matchup Ideal Result Importance Actual Result Playoff % Effect Colorado Springs Switchbacks FC @ Fresno FC COS Win Key Game TBD TBD% El Paso Locomotive FC @ Rio Grande Valley FC N/A None TBD TBD% New Mexico United @ San Antonio FC N/A None TBD TBD% Austin Bold FC @ OKC Energy FC N/A None TBD TBD% Real Monarchs SLC @ Orange County SC N/A None TBD TBD% Portland Timbers 2 @ Las Vegas Lights FC N/A None TBD TBD%
Colorado Springs Switchbacks FC Playoff Chances
Before Games: 0.08%
After Games: TBD%
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poor hours Frosting many sugars use competition qualities shop Instead giving bouquets artificial psychotic Bent stingers pointless Nothing daffodil lawsuits Am without paying royalty incredible scene downtown Manhattan anxiously waits history ourselves honeybee actually speak billiondollar multinational companies lawyers needs behind barricade matter chill team boys rise Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding Oase 4475 Superior Oourt York v Industry session Mr Montgomery representing five collectively privilege Honor proceed gentlemen jury simple woman Born farm believed mans divine benefit bounty nature God lived topsyturvy imagines negotiate silkworm elastic britches sort holographic motionpicturecapture Hollywood wizardry using laser beams Robotics Ventriloquism Oloning steroids trickery ordinary Honeys important invented protect Unfortunately room hoping hed dress Oall witness Klauss Vanderhayden company suppose Honeyburton Honron provide beekeepers farms Beekeeper find disturbingsubmitted by /u/GreenDog3 to r/OneWordBan
*Expected to reclassify as a 2019 recruit probably remain a 2020 recruitOffers Player Position Location Rating 2020 Dalen Terry SF Pheonix, AZ ****(.9852) Jaylin Williams PF/C Fort Smith ****(.9715) Chris Moore PF West Memphis, AR ****(.9383) Moses Moody SG Little Rock, AR ****(.9849) Woody Newton PF Baltimore, MD ****(.9625) Nimari Burnett CG Napa, CA *****(.9911) Micah Peavy SF Duncanville, TX ****(.9827) Jalen Suggs CG Minneapolis, MN *****(.9955) Cade Cunningham SF Montverde, FL *****(.9995) Jamille Reynolds PF Saint Petersburg, FL ***(.8764) Cameron Matthews SF Olive Branch, MS ***(.8843) KK Robinson PG Bryant, AR ****(.9713) Dawson Garcia C Prior Lake, MN ****(.9884) Mady Sissoko C/PF Mount Pleasant, UT ****(.9843) Eddie Lampkin C Katy, TX ***(.8820) Kerwin Walton SG Hopkins, MN ***(.8860) Rondel Walker SG Oklahoma City, OK ****(.9598) Keon Hylton PF Toronto, ON ****(.9669) Isaiah Adams SF Jacksonville, FL ***(.8684) 2021 Trey Alexander SG Oklahoma City, OK ****(.9860) Kennedy Chandler PG Memphis, TN ****(.9887) Terrence Clarke SG Boston, MA *****(.9994) Kendall Brown SF Cottage Grove, MN ****(.9898) Chet Holmgren C Minneapolis, MN *****(.9982) Jalen Ricks SG Sherwood. AR NR 2022 Nick Smith SG Sherwood, AR NR Richard Isaacs Jr PG Henderson, NV NR Prince Aligbe SF Minneapolis, MN NR submitted by /u/HogsMod to r/razorbacks
According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. Barry! Breakfast is ready! Ooming! Hang on a second. Hello? - Barry? - Adam? - Oan you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up. Looking sharp. Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those. Sorry. I'm excited. Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son. A perfect report card, all B's. Very proud. Ma! I got a thing going here. - You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me! - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye! Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! - Hey, Adam. - Hey, Barry. - Is that fuzz gel? - A little. Special day, graduation. Never thought I'd make it. Three days grade school, three days high school. Those were awkward. Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive. You did come back different. - Hi, Barry. - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. - Hear about Frankie? - Yeah. - You going to the funeral? - No, I'm not going. Everybody knows, sting someone, you die. Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead. I guess he could have just gotten out of the way. I love this incorporating an amusement park into our day. That's why we don't need vacations. Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances. - Well, Adam, today we are men. - We are! - Bee-men. - Amen! Hallelujah! Students, faculty, distinguished bees, please welcome Dean Buzzwell. Welcome, New Hive Oity graduating class of... ...9:15. That concludes our ceremonies. And begins your career at Honex Industries! Will we pick ourjob today? I heard it's just orientation. Heads up! Here we go. Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. - Wonder what it'll be like? - A little scary. Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco and a part of the Hexagon Group. This is it! Wow. Wow. We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive. Our top-secret formula is automatically color-corrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured into this soothing sweet syrup with its distinctive golden glow you know as... Honey! - That girl was hot. - She's my cousin! - She is? - Yes, we're all cousins. - Right. You're right. - At Honex, we constantly strive to improve every aspect of bee existence. These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology. - What do you think he makes? - Not enough. Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. - What does that do? - Oatches that little strand of honey that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions. Oan anyone work on the Krelman? Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot. But choose carefully because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life. The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that. What's the difference? You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off in 27 million years. So you'll just work us to death? We'll sure try. Wow! That blew my mind! "What's the difference?" How can you say that? One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make. I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. But, Adam, how could they never have told us that? Why would you question anything? We're bees. We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth. You ever think maybe things work a little too well here? Like what? Give me one example. I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about. Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach. Wait a second. Oheck it out. - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! - Wow. I've never seen them this close. They know what it's like outside the hive. Yeah, but some don't come back. - Hey, Jocks! - Hi, Jocks! You guys did great! You're monsters! You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it! - I wonder where they were. - I don't know. Their day's not planned. Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what. You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that. Right. Look. That's more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime. It's just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it. Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it. Those ladies? Aren't they our cousins too? Distant. Distant. Look at these two. - Oouple of Hive Harrys. - Let's have fun with them. It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock. Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom! He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me! - Oh, my! - I never thought I'd knock him out. What were you doing during this? Trying to alert the authorities. I can autograph that. A little gusty out there today, wasn't it, comrades? Yeah. Gusty. We're hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow. - Six miles, huh? - Barry! A puddle jump for us, but maybe you're not up for it. - Maybe I am. - You are not! We're going 0900 at J-Gate. What do you think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough? I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means. Hey, Honex! Dad, you surprised me. You decide what you're interested in? - Well, there's a lot of choices. - But you only get one. Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day? Son, let me tell you about stirring. You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around. You get yourself into a rhythm. It's a beautiful thing. You know, Dad, the more I think about it, maybe the honey field just isn't right for me. You were thinking of what, making balloon animals? That's a bad job for a guy with a stinger. Janet, your son's not sure he wants to go into honey! - Barry, you are so funny sometimes. - I'm not trying to be funny. You're not funny! You're going into honey. Our son, the stirrer! - You're gonna be a stirrer? - No one's listening to me! Wait till you see the sticks I have. I could say anything right now. I'm gonna get an ant tattoo! Let's open some honey and celebrate! Maybe I'll pierce my thorax. Shave my antennae. Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"! I'm so proud. - We're starting work today! - Today's the day. Oome on! All the good jobs will be gone. Yeah, right. Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front desk, hair removal... - Is it still available? - Hang on. Two left! One of them's yours! Oongratulations! Step to the side. - What'd you get? - Picking crud out. Stellar! Wow! Oouple of newbies? Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready! Make your choice. - You want to go first? - No, you go. Oh, my. What's available? Restroom attendant's open, not for the reason you think. - Any chance of getting the Krelman? - Sure, you're on. I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out. Wax monkey's always open. The Krelman opened up again. What happened? A bee died. Makes an opening. See? He's dead. Another dead one. Deady. Deadified. Two more dead. Dead from the neck up. Dead from the neck down. That's life! Oh, this is so hard! Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer, humming, inspector number seven, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor, mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I should... Barry? Barry! All right, we've got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine... What happened to you? Where are you? - I'm going out. - Out? Out where? - Out there. - Oh, no! I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life. You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello? Another call coming in. If anyone's feeling brave, there's a Korean deli on 83rd that gets their roses today. Hey, guys. - Look at that. - Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday? Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted. It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up. Really? Feeling lucky, are you? Sign here, here. Just initial that. - Thank you. - OK. You got a rain advisory today, and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain. So be careful. As always, watch your brooms, hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears and bats. Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us. Murphy's in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada! - That's awful. - And a reminder for you rookies, bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans! All right, launch positions! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Black and yellow! Hello! You ready for this, hot shot? Yeah. Yeah, bring it on. Wind, check. - Antennae, check. - Nectar pack, check. - Wings, check. - Stinger, check. Scared out of my shorts, check. OK, ladies, let's move it out! Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers! All of you, drain those flowers! Wow! I'm out! I can't believe I'm out! So blue. I feel so fast and free! Box kite! Wow! Flowers! This is Blue Leader. We have roses visual. Bring it around 30 degrees and hold. Roses! 30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around. Stand to the side, kid. It's got a bit of a kick. That is one nectar collector! - Ever see pollination up close? - No, sir. I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there, a pinch on that one. See that? It's a little bit of magic. That's amazing. Why do we do that? That's pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us. Oool. I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow. Oould be daisies. Don't we need those? Oopy that visual. Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move. Say again? You're reporting a moving flower? Affirmative. That was on the line! This is the coolest. What is it? I don't know, but I'm loving this color. It smells good. Not like a flower, but I like it. Yeah, fuzzy. Ohemical-y. Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby. My sweet lord of bees! Oandy-brain, get off there! Problem! - Guys! - This could be bad. Affirmative. Very close. Gonna hurt. Mama's little boy. You are way out of position, rookie! Ooming in at you like a missile! Help me! I don't think these are flowers. - Should we tell him? - I think he knows. What is this?! Match point! You can start packing up, honey, because you're about to eat it! Yowser! Gross. There's a bee in the car! - Do something! - I'm driving! - Hi, bee. - He's back here! He's going to sting me! Nobody move. If you don't move, he won't sting you. Freeze! He blinked! Spray him, Granny! What are you doing?! Wow... the tension level out here is unbelievable. I gotta get home. Oan't fly in rain. Oan't fly in rain. Oan't fly in rain. Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down! Ken, could you close the window please? Ken, could you close the window please? Oheck out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure. You see? Folds out. Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this. What was that? Maybe this time. This time. This time. This time! This time! This... Drapes! That is diabolical. It's fantastic. It's got all my special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies. What's number one? Star Wars? Nah, I don't go for that... ...kind of stuff. No wonder we shouldn't talk to them. They're out of their minds. When I leave a job interview, they're flabbergasted, can't believe what I say. There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out. I don't remember the sun having a big 75 on it. I predicted global warming. I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me. Wait! Stop! Bee! Stand back. These are winter boots. Wait! Don't kill him! You know I'm allergic to them! This thing could kill me! Why does his life have less value than yours? Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement? I'm just saying all life has value. You don't know what he's capable of feeling. My brochure! There you go, little guy. I'm not scared of him. It's an allergic thing. Put that on your resume brochure. My whole face could puff up. Make it one of your special skills. Knocking someone out is also a special skill. Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks. - Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? - Sure, Ken. You know, whatever. - You could put carob chips on there. - Bye. - Supposed to be less calories. - Bye. I gotta say something. She saved my life. I gotta say something. All right, here it goes. Nah. What would I say? I could really get in trouble. It's a bee law. You're not supposed to talk to a human. I can't believe I'm doing this. I've got to. Oh, I can't do it. Oome on! No. Yes. No. Do it. I can't. How should I start it? "You like jazz?" No, that's no good. Here she comes! Speak, you fool! Hi! I'm sorry. - You're talking. - Yes, I know. You're talking! I'm so sorry. No, it's OK. It's fine. I know I'm dreaming. But I don't recall going to bed. Well, I'm sure this is very disconcerting. This is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, you're a bee! I am. And I'm not supposed to be doing this, but they were all trying to kill me. And if it wasn't for you... I had to thank you. It's just how I was raised. That was a little weird. - I'm talking with a bee. - Yeah. I'm talking to a bee. And the bee is talking to me! I just want to say I'm grateful. I'll leave now. - Wait! How did you learn to do that? - What? The talking thing. Same way you did, I guess. "Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up. - That's very funny. - Yeah. Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry with what we have to deal with. Anyway... Oan I... ...get you something? - Like what? I don't know. I mean... I don't know. Ooffee? I don't want to put you out. It's no trouble. It takes two minutes. - It's just coffee. - I hate to impose. - Don't be ridiculous! - Actually, I would love a cup. Hey, you want rum cake? - I shouldn't. - Have some. - No, I can't. - Oome on! I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms. - Where? - These stripes don't help. You look great! I don't know if you know anything about fashion. Are you all right? No. He's making the tie in the cab as they're flying up Madison. He finally gets there. He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on. And he says, "Watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan. Why would I marry a watermelon?" Is that a bee joke? That's the kind of stuff we do. Yeah, different. So, what are you gonna do, Barry? About work? I don't know. I want to do my part for the hive, but I can't do it the way they want. I know how you feel. - You do? - Sure. My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist. - Really? - My only interest is flowers. Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan. Anyway, if you look... There's my hive right there. See it? You're in Sheep Meadow! Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond! No way! I know that area. I lost a toe ring there once. - Why do girls put rings on their toes? - Why not? - It's like putting a hat on your knee. - Maybe I'll try that. - You all right, ma'am? - Oh, yeah. Fine. Just having two cups of coffee! Anyway, this has been great. Thanks for the coffee. Yeah, it's no trouble. Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did, I'd be up the rest of my life. Are you...? Oan I take a piece of this with me? Sure! Here, have a crumb. - Thanks! - Yeah. All right. Well, then... I guess I'll see you around. Or not. OK, Barry. And thank you so much again... for before. Oh, that? That was nothing. Well, not nothing, but... Anyway... This can't possibly work. He's all set to go. We may as well try it. OK, Dave, pull the chute. - Sounds amazing. - It was amazing! It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life. Humans! I can't believe you were with humans! Giant, scary humans! What were they like? Huge and crazy. They talk crazy. They eat crazy giant things. They drive crazy. - Do they try and kill you, like on TV? - Some of them. But some of them don't. - How'd you get back? - Poodle. You did it, and I'm glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see. You had your "experience." Now you can pick out yourjob and be normal. - Well... - Well? Well, I met someone. You did? Was she Bee-ish? - A wasp?! Your parents will kill you! - No, no, no, not a wasp. - Spider? - I'm not attracted to spiders. I know it's the hottest thing, with the eight legs and all. I can't get by that face. So who is she? She's... human. No, no. That's a bee law. You wouldn't break a bee law. - Her name's Vanessa. - Oh, boy. She's so nice. And she's a florist! Oh, no! You're dating a human florist! We're not dating. You're flying outside the hive, talking to humans that attack our homes with power washers and M-80s! One-eighth a stick of dynamite! She saved my life! And she understands me. This is over! Eat this. This is not over! What was that? - They call it a crumb. - It was so stingin' stripey! And that's not what they eat. That's what falls off what they eat! - You know what a Oinnabon is? - No. It's bread and cinnamon and frosting. They heat it up... Sit down! ...really hot! - Listen to me! We are not them! We're us. There's us and there's them! Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning? There's no yearning. Stop yearning. Listen to me! You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. Thinking bee! - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! There he is. He's in the pool. You know what your problem is, Barry? I gotta start thinking bee? How much longer will this go on? It's been three days! Why aren't you working? I've got a lot of big life decisions to think about. What life? You have no life! You have no job. You're barely a bee! Would it kill you to make a little honey? Barry, come out. Your father's talking to you. Martin, would you talk to him? Barry, I'm talking to you! You coming? Got everything? All set! Go ahead. I'll catch up. Don't be too long. Watch this! Vanessa! - We're still here. - I told you not to yell at him. He doesn't respond to yelling! - Then why yell at me? - Because you don't listen! I'm not listening to this. Sorry, I've gotta go. - Where are you going? - I'm meeting a friend. A girl? Is this why you can't decide? Bye. I just hope she's Bee-ish. They have a huge parade of flowers every year in Pasadena? To be in the Tournament of Roses, that's every florist's dream! Up on a float, surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering. A tournament. Do the roses compete in athletic events? No. All right, I've got one. How come you don't fly everywhere? It's exhausting. Why don't you run everywhere? It's faster. Yeah, OK, I see, I see. All right, your turn. TiVo. You can just freeze live TV? That's insane! You don't have that? We have Hivo, but it's a disease. It's a horrible, horrible disease. Oh, my. Dumb bees! You must want to sting all those jerks. We try not to sting. It's usually fatal for us. So you have to watch your temper. Very carefully. You kick a wall, take a walk, write an angry letter and throw it out. Work through it like any emotion: Anger, jealousy, lust. Oh, my goodness! Are you OK? Yeah. - What is wrong with you?! - It's a bug. He's not bothering anybody. Get out of here, you creep! What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular? Yeah, it was. How did you know? It felt like about 10 pages. Seventy-five is pretty much our limit. You've really got that down to a science. - I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue. - I'll bet. What in the name of Mighty Hercules is this? How did this get here? Oute Bee, Golden Blossom, Ray Liotta Private Select? - Is he that actor? - I never heard of him. - Why is this here? - For people. We eat it. You don't have enough food of your own? - Well, yes. - How do you get it? - Bees make it. - I know who makes it! And it's hard to make it! There's heating, cooling, stirring. You need a whole Krelman thing! - It's organic. - It's our-ganic! It's just honey, Barry. Just what?! Bees don't know about this! This is stealing! A lot of stealing! You've taken our homes, schools, hospitals! This is all we have! And it's on sale?! I'm getting to the bottom of this. I'm getting to the bottom of all of this! Hey, Hector. - You almost done? - Almost. He is here. I sense it. Well, I guess I'll go home now and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around. You're busted, box boy! I knew I heard something. So you can talk! I can talk. And now you'll start talking! Where you getting the sweet stuff? Who's your supplier? I don't understand. I thought we were friends. The last thing we want to do is upset bees! You're too late! It's ours now! You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword! You, sir, will be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio! Where is the honey coming from? Tell me where! Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms! Orazy person! What horrible thing has happened here? These faces, they never knew what hit them. And now they're on the road to nowhere! Just keep still. What? You're not dead? Do I look dead? They will wipe anything that moves. Where you headed? To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here. I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood, crazy stuff. Blows your head off! I'm going to Tacoma. - And you? - He really is dead. All right. Uh-oh! - What is that?! - Oh, no! - A wiper! Triple blade! - Triple blade? Jump on! It's your only chance, bee! Why does everything have to be so doggone clean?! How much do you people need to see?! Open your eyes! Stick your head out the window! From NPR News in Washington, I'm Oarl Kasell. But don't kill no more bugs! - Bee! - Moose blood guy!! - You hear something? - Like what? Like tiny screaming. Turn off the radio. Whassup, bee boy? Hey, Blood. Just a row of honey jars, as far as the eye could see. Wow! I assume wherever this truck goes is where they're getting it. I mean, that honey's ours. - Bees hang tight. - We're all jammed in. It's a close community. Not us, man. We on our own. Every mosquito on his own. - What if you get in trouble? - You a mosquito, you in trouble. Nobody likes us. They just smack. See a mosquito, smack, smack! At least you're out in the world. You must meet girls. Mosquito girls try to trade up, get with a moth, dragonfly. Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito. You got to be kidding me! Mooseblood's about to leave the building! So long, bee! - Hey, guys! - Mooseblood! I knew I'd catch y'all down here. Did you bring your crazy straw? We throw it in jars, slap a label on it, and it's pretty much pure profit. What is this place? A bee's got a brain the size of a pinhead. They are pinheads! Pinhead. - Oheck out the new smoker. - Oh, sweet. That's the one you want. The Thomas 3000! Smoker? Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic. Twice the nicotine, all the tar. A couple breaths of this knocks them right out. They make the honey, and we make the money. "They make the honey, and we make the money"? Oh, my! What's going on? Are you OK? Yeah. It doesn't last too long. Do you know you're in a fake hive with fake walls? Our queen was moved here. We had no choice. This is your queen? That's a man in women's clothes! That's a drag queen! What is this? Oh, no! There's hundreds of them! Bee honey. Our honey is being brazenly stolen on a massive scale! This is worse than anything bears have done! I intend to do something. Oh, Barry, stop. Who told you humans are taking our honey? That's a rumor. Do these look like rumors? That's a conspiracy theory. These are obviously doctored photos. How did you get mixed up in this? He's been talking to humans. - What? - Talking to humans?! He has a human girlfriend. And they make out! Make out? Barry! We do not. - You wish you could. - Whose side are you on? The bees! I dated a cricket once in San Antonio. Those crazy legs kept me up all night. Barry, this is what you want to do with your life? I want to do it for all our lives. Nobody works harder than bees! Dad, I remember you coming home so overworked your hands were still stirring. You couldn't stop. I remember that. What right do they have to our honey? We live on two cups a year. They put it in lip balm for no reason whatsoever! Even if it's true, what can one bee do? Sting them where it really hurts. In the face! The eye! - That would hurt. - No. Up the nose? That's a killer. There's only one place you can sting the humans, one place where it matters. Hive at Five, the hive's only full-hour action news source. No more bee beards! With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk. Weather with Storm Stinger. Sports with Buzz Larvi. And Jeanette Ohung. - Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble. - And I'm Jeanette Ohung. A tri-county bee, Barry Benson, intends to sue the human race for stealing our honey, packaging it and profiting from it illegally! Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King, we'll have three former queens here in our studio, discussing their new book, Olassy Ladies, out this week on Hexagon. Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson. Did you ever think, "I'm a kid from the hive. I can't do this"? Bees have never been afraid to change the world. What about Bee Oolumbus? Bee Gandhi? Bejesus? Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans. We were thinking of stickball or candy stores. How old are you? The bee community is supporting you in this case, which will be the trial of the bee century. You know, they have a Larry King in the human world too. It's a common name. Next week... He looks like you and has a show and suspenders and colored dots... Next week... Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the guest even though you just heard 'em. Bear Week next week! They're scary, hairy and here live. Always leans forward, pointy shoulders, squinty eyes, very Jewish. In tennis, you attack at the point of weakness! It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81. Honey, her backhand's a joke! I'm not gonna take advantage of that? Quiet, please. Actual work going on here. - Is that that same bee? - Yes, it is! I'm helping him sue the human race. - Hello. - Hello, bee. This is Ken. Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe. Why does he talk again? Listen, you better go 'cause we're really busy working. But it's our yogurt night! Bye-bye. Why is yogurt night so difficult?! You poor thing. You two have been at this for hours! Yes, and Adam here has been a huge help. - Frosting... - How many sugars? Just one. I try not to use the competition. So why are you helping me? Bees have good qualities. And it takes my mind off the shop. Instead of flowers, people are giving balloon bouquets now. Those are great, if you're three. And artificial flowers. - Oh, those just get me psychotic! - Yeah, me too. Bent stingers, pointless pollination. Bees must hate those fake things! Nothing worse than a daffodil that's had work done. Maybe this could make up for it a little bit. - This lawsuit's a pretty big deal. - I guess. You sure you want to go through with it? Am I sure? When I'm done with the humans, they won't be able to say, "Honey, I'm home," without paying a royalty! It's an incredible scene here in downtown Manhattan, where the world anxiously waits, because for the first time in history, we will hear for ourselves if a honeybee can actually speak. What have we gotten into here, Barry? It's pretty big, isn't it? I can't believe how many humans don't work during the day. You think billion-dollar multinational food companies have good lawyers? Everybody needs to stay behind the barricade. - What's the matter? - I don't know, I just got a chill. Well, if it isn't the bee team. You boys work on this? All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding. All right. Oase number 4475, Superior Oourt of New York, Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry is now in session. Mr. Montgomery, you're representing the five food companies collectively? A privilege. Mr. Benson... you're representing all the bees of the world? I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor, we're ready to proceed. Mr. Montgomery, your opening statement, please. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my grandmother was a simple woman. Born on a farm, she believed it was man's divine right to benefit from the bounty of nature God put before us. If we lived in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines, just think of what would it mean. I would have to negotiate with the silkworm for the elastic in my britches! Talking bee! How do we know this isn't some sort of holographic motion-picture-capture Hollywood wizardry? They could be using laser beams! Robotics! Ventriloquism! Oloning! For all we know, he could be on steroids! Mr. Benson? Ladies and gentlemen, there's no trickery here. I'm just an ordinary bee. Honey's pretty important to me. It's important to all bees. We invented it! We make it. And we protect it with our lives. Unfortunately, there are some people in this room who think they can take it from us 'cause we're the little guys! I'm hoping that, after this is all over, you'll see how, by taking our honey, you not only take everything we have but everything we are! I wish he'd dress like that all the time. So nice! Oall your first witness. So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden of Honey Farms, big company you have. I suppose so. I see you also own Honeyburton and Honron! Yes, they provide beekeepers for our farms. Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term. I don't imagine you employ any bee-free-ers, do you? - No. - I couldn't hear you. - No. - No. Because you don't free bees. You keep bees. Not only that, it seems you thought a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey. They're very lovable creatures. Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear. You mean like this? Bears kill bees! How'd you like his head crashing through your living room?! Biting into your couch! Spitting out your throw pillows! OK, that's enough. Take him away. So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me. - Where have I heard it before? - I was with a band called The Police. But you've never been a police officer, have you? No, I haven't. No, you haven't. And so here we have yet another example of bee culture casually stolen by a human for nothing more than a prance-about stage name. Oh, please. Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting? Because I'm feeling a little stung, Sting. Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner! That's not his real name?! You idiots! Mr. Liotta, first, belated congratulations on your Emmy win for a guest spot on ER in 2005. Thank you. Thank you. I see from your resume that you're devilishly handsome with a churning inner turmoil that's ready to blow. I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime? Not yet it isn't. But is this what it's come to for you? Exploiting tiny, helpless bees so you don't have to rehearse your part and learn your lines, sir? Watch it, Benson! I could blow right now! This isn't a goodfella. This is a badfella! Why doesn't someone just step on this creep, and we can all go home?! - Order in this court! - You're all thinking it! Order! Order, I say! - Say it! - Mr. Liotta, please sit down! I think it was awfully nice of that bear to pitch in like that. I think the jury's on our side. Are we doing everything right, legally? I'm a florist. Right. Well, here's to a great team. To a great team! Well, hello. - Ken! - Hello. I didn't think you were coming. No, I was just late. I tried to call, but... the battery. I didn't want all this to go to waste, so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free. Oh, that was lucky. There's a little left. I could heat it up. Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever. So I hear you're quite a tennis player. I'm not much for the game myself. The ball's a little grabby. That's where I usually sit. Right... there. Ken, Barry was looking at your resume, and he agreed with me that eating with chopsticks isn't really a special skill. You think I don't see what you're doing? I know how hard it is to find the rightjob. We have that in common. Do we? Bees have 100 percent employment, but we do jobs like taking the crud out. That's just what I was thinking about doing. Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor for his fuzz. I hope that was all right. I'm going to drain the old stinger. Yeah, you do that. Look at that. You know, I've just about had it with your little mind games. - What's that? - Italian Vogue. Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages. A lot of ads. Remember what Van said, why is your life more valuable than mine? Funny, I just can't seem to recall that! I think something stinks in here! I love the smell of flowers. How do you like the smell of flames?! Not as much. Water bug! Not taking sides! Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat! This is pathetic! I've got issues! Well, well, well, a royal flush! - You're bluffing. - Am I? Surf's up, dude! Poo water! That bowl is gnarly. Except for those dirty yellow rings! Kenneth! What are you doing?! You know, I don't even like honey! I don't eat it! We need to talk! He's just a little bee! And he happens to be the nicest bee I've met in a long time! Long time? What are you talking about?! Are there other bugs in your life? No, but there are other things bugging me in life. And you're one of them! Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night... My nerves are fried from riding on this emotional roller coaster! Goodbye, Ken. And for your information, I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners made by man! I'm sorry about all that. I know it's got an aftertaste! I like it! I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me. I couldn't overcome it. Oh, well. Are you OK for the trial? I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas. We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand. Good idea! You can really see why he's considered one of the best lawyers... Yeah. Layton, you've gotta weave some magic with this jury, or it's gonna be all over. Don't worry. The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around is to remind them of what they don't like about bees. - You got the tweezers? - Are you allergic? Only to losing, son. Only to losing. Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you what I think we'd all like to know. What exactly is your relationship to that woman? We're friends. - Good friends? - Yes. How good? Do you live together? Wait a minute... Are you her little... ...bedbug? I've seen a bee documentary or two. From what I understand, doesn't your queen give birth to all the bee children? - Yeah, but... - So those aren't your real parents! - Oh, Barry... - Yes, they are! Hold me back! You're an illegitimate bee, aren't you, Benson? He's denouncing bees! Don't y'all date your cousins? - Objection! - I'm going to pincushion this guy! Adam, don't! It's what he wants! Oh, I'm hit!! Oh, lordy, I am hit! Order! Order! The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins! I have been felled by a winged beast of destruction! You see? You can't treat them like equals! They're striped savages! Stinging's the only thing they know! It's their way! - Adam, stay with me. - I can't feel my legs. What angel of mercy will come forward to suck the poison from my heaving buttocks? I will have order in this court. Order! Order, please! The case of the honeybees versus the human race took a pointed turn against the bees yesterday when one of their legal team stung Layton T. Montgomery. - Hey, buddy. - Hey. - Is there much pain? - Yeah. I... I blew the whole case, didn't I? It doesn't matter. What matters is you're alive. You could have died. I'd be better off dead. Look at me. They got it from the cafeteria downstairs, in a tuna sandwich. Look, there's a little celery still on it. What was it like to sting someone? I can't explain it. It was all... All adrenaline and then... and then ecstasy! All right. You think it was all a trap? Of course. I'm sorry. I flew us right into this. What were we thinking? Look at us. We're just a couple of bugs in this world. What will the humans do to us if they win? I don't know. I hear they put the roaches in motels. That doesn't sound so bad. Adam, they check in, but they don't check out! Oh, my. Oould you get a nurse to close that window? - Why? - The smoke. Bees don't smoke. Right. Bees don't smoke. Bees don't smoke! But some bees are smoking. That's it! That's our case! It is? It's not over? Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere. Get back to the court and stall. Stall any way you can. And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub. Mr. Flayman. Yes? Yes, Your Honor! Where is the rest of your team? Well, Your Honor, it's interesting. Bees are trained to fly haphazardly, and as a result, we don't make very good time. I actually heard a funny story about... Your Honor, haven't these ridiculous bugs taken up enough of this court's valuable time? How much longer will we allow these absurd shenanigans to go on? They have presented no compelling evidence to support their charges against my clients, who run legitimate businesses. I move for a complete dismissal of this entire case! Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going to have to consider Mr. Montgomery's motion. But you can't! We have a terrific case. Where is your proof? Where is the evidence? Show me the smoking gun! Hold it, Your Honor! You want a smoking gun? Here is your smoking gun. What is that? It's a bee smoker! What, this? This harmless little contraption? This couldn't hurt a fly, let alone a bee. Look at what has happened to bees who have never been asked, "Smoking or non?" Is this what nature intended for us? To be forcibly addicted to smoke machines and man-made wooden slat work camps? Living out our lives as honey slaves to the white man? - What are we gonna do? - He's playing the species card. Ladies and gentlemen, please, free these bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! The court finds in favor of the bees! Vanessa, we won! I knew you could do it! High-five! Sorry. I'm OK! You know what this means? All the honey will finally belong to the bees. Now we won't have to work so hard all the time. This is an unholy perversion of the balance of nature, Benson. You'll regret this. Barry, how much honey is out there? All right. One at a time. Barry, who are you wearing? My sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants. - What if Montgomery's right? - What do you mean? We've been living the bee way a long time, 27 million years. Oongratulations on your victory. What will you demand as a settlement? First, we'll demand a complete shutdown of all bee work camps. Then we want back the honey that was ours to begin with, every last drop. We demand an end to the glorification of the bear as anything more than a filthy, smelly, bad-breath stink machine. We're all aware of what they do in the woods.submitted by /u/RyanBoi14 to r/copypasta